a quick check in while settling back in
“Normalcy is the enemy of giftedness.
Oddities are the first sign of giftedness - you have oddities because they are the arrows pointing directly to your gifts. So never be ashamed of how strange you are. There is treasure in that strangeness. You are one of a kind.” ~ Clara Pinkola Estes
I returned from my trip almost a week ago, and now I’m slowly settling back in, while still dealing with a tiresome and rather distracting jet lag. Jet lag feels to me like sleep deprivation, and sleep deprivation reminds me of hangovers, which can be a bit triggering. Once in a while I need to remind myself that I actually haven’t been drinking or using anything. I also need to remind myself to be patient and ride the wave of this state. My mind has been a bit hazy and I am having difficulty concentrating on anything, as well as sleeping. I can’t read a book, I can’t focus on my website (which is currently under construction), and I can only socialize in the morning and around lunch time - afterwards, I get sleepy and my head nods. I still seem to be on the vacation (now that I am thinking about it, I did say that I will be off for the month of July - and it’s still July!). I am not sure why I am trying to rush myself back into work and the “doing” mode. Hmm… actually, I know very well why I am doing that - but that’s for another time.
This whole week I was wondering what will I be writing about, and, although, many (unexpected) things already happened, I am having a hard time feeling them deeply and putting them into words. I blame it on the jet lag, but also on being (yet again) kind of unsettled. Semi-unpacked suitcases around me, winter clothes in storage bags, and summer clothes needing to be washed and folded. I am back to my friend’s place and it still doesn’t feel like my own (probably, because it’s not). Arriving back to the life of living-out-of-a-suitcase, again, and noticing that it may have lost its charm and appeal, and now it’s getting rather exhausting. It’s been a bit strange coming back to the US the same way it was strange leaving here earlier and going to Europe. I guess every change of environment carries with it a certain level of nostalgia and newness at the same time - missing the place we are leaving - as we are leaving it - and feeling excited about the place we are visiting. And, it’s not only about the place - it is about the people, as well. Missing them as one is leaving a place, only to come back and for a brief moment feel like a stranger; irrelevant and replaceable. I know it’s not like this in reality - I am just expressing how it sometimes feels inside of me.
It’s the middle of the summer; well, not according to the weather in Ocean Beach. It’s been quite cool (cold, during the night) these last few days, and it reminded me of the fall. My feet and nose are cold, and I feel the need to cover myself with a light blanket and read. Strange… I can’t say I have experienced an actual summer in San Diego at all this year. But, then, I just came back from Serbia where the temperature was way over 40 degrees celsius and humidity probably somewhere over a million percent. Anything would seem cold in comparison to that. And I was complaining at the weather in Serbia, as well… It’s like that - I am practically never satisfied. And, at this age, it is even harder than before to satisfy me. I’m being serious! Just as it is almost impossible for me to be impressed or surprised by something or someone. But, that is (also) the story for another time… For now, I want to do a brief summary of what’s going on.
Since the last check in was in the spring time, here’s a quick (summer) update on a few main areas of my life…
Home Life
I am back in San Diego and have been hunting for a place to move to. Although it is unknown how long precisely I will be staying in this town - I am still unable to say where I see myself five or ten years from now - I am in a desperate need of my own space where I can finally “unpack” my bags, and let my baggage roam freely. Last time I had a physical home was two years ago in Bali, and since then I have been moving from one town to another, from one friend to another, sleeping in different houses and on different beds, and keeping some of my stuff in the bags at all times. Don’t get me wrong - I am more than thankful to those who opened up their home to me - you know who you are, dearest ones - but it’s time for me to get my own place. And, as I am writing this, I get this scary, unsettling feeling in my bones - the one that creeps up every time I am about to commit to something and stay somewhere longer than my mind can comprehend. At the same time, San Diego has been good to me. And, it is not (yet) time to leave.
Work Stuff
I have taken the time off during the month of July. It was much needed and appreciated. It was also very strange to not have the restrain of the scheduled appointments, but be free in what I want to do in any given moment. Now I am getting ready to dive deep with the old clients, as well as a few new ones. I hope to get to do more Jungian coaching than anything else. If I am being honest, I have been interested and excited about exploring existential questions of meaning, purpose, soul calling, death, solitude, individuation - more than I am invested in addiction recovery work, these days. I am also very interested in working with people who are engaged in the kink lifestyle, and exploring themes like alternative sexuality and fetishism, as well as what these mean to individuals on a deep, soul, level. This is a very exciting time for me. I have also been contemplating on teaching group mindfulness courses again, and I hope there will be interest. Finally, I need to sit down and work on my website - this probably is something that I am procrastinating with the most. I haven’t (yet) found a way to make this work exciting for me.
Health & Balance
Generally, I have been feeling good in my body lately. I am walking a lot again, and since I got back, I am spending time on the beach with Mala daily. During my stay in Europe, I haven’t walked as much as I do it here, as it was extremely hot and humid - and I missed it! I started feeling a bit fatigued and slow in my body, as well as feeling some pain in my hips and back. I need to get back to yoga as well - I missed it and I need it badly. But, this has been one of the most difficult things about traveling and not settling anywhere - the fact that it is so easy to abandon your regular lifestyle, and your physical health suffers, as a consequence. I also see how it affects my mind. It’s been restless and anxious, often. It has been foggy and forgetful, as well, and it took me to some dark and strange places where I felt lonely, isolated, and insignificant. This can also happen when it gets bored - boredom will make us think shitty thoughts about ourselves and the world.
Friends & Family
I have been very much enjoying seeing many of my dear friends during my trip. I have been meeting so many new people since I have returned to the US in 2023, and it felt good to see some old friends back in Serbia. With some of them it felt as if we simply continued where we left it off, so comfortable and supported, and with others it took some time to warm up and get used to seeing each other again. Overall, this trip made me look into my (old) friendships from a different perspective, and I believe it made me appreciate them more than ever. Maybe this also comes with our age…
I am not planning any trips in the near future. Not sure what time will bring in terms of my relocating to some place else (I won’t dare to say where, yet).
For now, I am here.
Sobriety & Recovery
I haven’t really been active in my recovery for a while - at least not through recovery meetings, and community and fellowship. It honesty didn’t cross my mind to attend a meeting while traveling. I have been feeling good, though. While I was in Serbia, I went out a few times and was surrounded by people who were drinking, but it didn’t do much to me. For the first time, people didn’t demand that I drink, or have a reaction to me not drinking (except of a few very strange looks and comments when I ordered a non-alcoholic beer). I focused my energy to those “happy” drunks and leveled my vibration with theirs. It was fun, for the most part. And, then there were a few of those whose drinking reminded me of mine. I could tell they are desperate and unhappy, and that alcohol is their only way out of this state. And, I can relate to this feeling - to this mindset. Especially since I use to live a kind of a life which seemed limiting and suppressing to me, the life where I could not be myself, life in which I felt small.
I am grateful to be sober… so grateful.
What’s Next?
It’s almost August already! Isn’t that crazy?! This year has been so unbelievably energizing, so very spirited, and beyond rich in new experiences - that my mind is blown away. And, I am so curious to see what comes next… I genuinely have no idea…
“I have no desire to fit in. No plans to walk with the crowd. I have my own mind, heart and soul. I am me and it has taken me years to realize how important that is.”
~ R.M. Drake
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Stay safe.
A hui kaua (Until we meet again),
Marina
