anniversary
“I will cut adrift—I will sit on pavements and drink coffee—I will dream; I will take my mind out of its iron cage and let it swim—this fine October.” ~ Virginia Woolf
February 18th marks exactly one year since I have been back to the US after taking a five year break. I remember so clearly being in my parents’ house in Serbia beginning of January last year, completely lost, without a clear direction and clarity about my life. I left Bali in August of ‘22, after a major emotional rollercoaster, and I have just got back from working at a mindfulness recovery center in Portugal for the past three months, where I’ve decided not to pursue a longer contract. I have felt this way before - it was familiar - I had it in my experience many times, but I didn’t expect it this time. I wanted to believe that I am doing better, that I have evolved and learnt all the lessons that were out there for me to learn, that I should know exactly what the next step is. But I didn’t. I felt an unbearable pressure in my chest every time I’d think of staying in Serbia any longer than I needed to. At the same time, I didn't know where to go - and the US was the last place where I wanted to be. Well… next to last. I knew I needed to leave but I didn’t know where to and I didn't want to keep running away. Again, there I was like an animal in the cage. This time, however, the door was open for me to come out, but I didn’t know which way to go.
I was tired - exhausted, rather - depressed and without any desire and motivation to do anything. I was trying to remember the last time I was truly excited about something, and I couldn’t. Still, I was able to find these small, tiny, pockets of joy that would pop up and surprise me from time to time, but they would be so fleeting, and as soon as I would become aware of them, they would disappear. I knew that if I wasn’t sober, this would be that perfect moment when I would pressure myself to go out, be with people, be “happy”, socialize, party, only to avoid emotions at all cost and, instead, get obliterated and unconscious. Instead, I stayed with my pain, and at that time still not choosing to move through it - I simply couldn’t, I didn’t have strength or energy for it - I let it absorb me and take all of me, instead.
I have decided to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. I was diagnosed with depression and a mood disorder (something where there are emotional ups and downs, but they're not as extreme as those in bipolar disorder). She recommended anti-depressants. With a heavy heart, I accepted. If you know me personally, you know how much I am against the meds - for my own healing (yours is your own choice). I have dedicated the last decade of my life to healing using holistic and natural remedies and approaches, and I would have tried anything rather than choosing this route. I don’t judge people who choose this modality (although I am not a proponent of meds without therapy/counseling as well), but it never seemed like the right choice for me. At the time it felt like I have exhausted everything else I knew existed, and this was the most logical next option. I didn't have energy for almost any of my nourishing practices, but I did stay close to my psychoanalyst and continued with our weekly sessions.
Very soon, in a matter of a few weeks, an opportunity opened up for me to leave Serbia and I took it. I was to come to Los Angeles (LA), be with a person dear to my heart, spend some time with close friends, stay for a bit, visit old places, and then continue my journey (where to, I didn’t know yet). Although I knew I will not be missing out on this chance - as it was more acceptable for me than staying in Serbia - I wasn’t feeling very excited about it. I have always considered LA to be one of my homes, but this time return home felt like a big disappointment, like it is a punishment for not winning a competition. As a matter of fact, a day before flying out, there was an issue with my ticket and the flight, and I hoped, deep down, that things would go badly, and that it all would get cancelled for some reason and so I won’t be able to fly out the next day. It sounds silly when I think of it today, but at the time it was so confusing and difficult, murky and blurry, that all I wanted was to stay in bed until someone else decides on my behalf on what my next step is.
And, so I landed in LA on February 18, 2023. I have soon confirmed that initial feeling that my love for LA changed, shifted, and that our connection isn’t there anymore. Maybe it was depression speaking, maybe this was how our relationship was going to be now as we both changed significantly, I don’t know. But that is how I felt. I was still in the process of getting used to anti-depressants, and although I was on a very low dosage, I generally wasn't feeling that well. I didn’t have enough energy, I was constantly sleepy and groggy, I was unable to focus and concentrate properly, my blood sugar was imbalanced and so I was snacking all the time and I was feeling super flat. Numb - most of the time. No heavy emotions, but no joy and light, uplifting, feelings either. My psychiatrist told me to let her know first time I feel an authentic joy. This never happened during the six months period I was on the meds. Not until I got off the meds sometime mid August, left my job in Big Bear and came to San Diego for my rest. That’s when I started living and breathing again.
This past year was so strange and intense, and at the same time so refreshing and new for me. It started with a lot of pain and confusion, depression and lacking in purpose and clarity. I didn't not want to be where I was (yet again), I didn’t want to feel the way I felt. I was fighting against it all, only to go to another place that I did not connect with. From there on, things slowly and gradually started shifting, changing. And, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t force anything. I didn’t push, I wasn't trying to influence the universe, and, instead, I was observing the immediate and direct effects of impermanence. I stayed close to my feelings, and worked with, and through, the difficult mental states. What I have learnt later is that it took so much courage to approach things this way, stay put where I was, get up in the morning and show up for myself, feel the difficult feelings, not make any quick and impulsive decisions, and wait. It took so much more courage to just wait until the storm is over. Because, all I wanted to do, all I was familiar and comfortable with doing is interrupt the inner work, intercept the pain and maturation of the product of this process, and make it stop before it was finished - which would require a lot less courage and awareness, and would bring very short-term relief.
Often we go through challenges in life to receive a lesson, a certain knowledge, an awakening of a kind. And it is up to us, and only us, to recognize this as an opportunity - a chance - as an enhancement that is pointing us towards better, wiser choices; choices our soul is more aligned with. Depression is not necessarily always a biological disorder. More often that people tend to think, it’s an invitation for change and a sign that we are stuck. It’s a soul’s cry for help. When one have been living a life that doesn't support one’s own needs and desires, purpose and calling, without a deeper meaning - depression can show up as an invitation for pausing and looking deep down in one’s soul and finding a different way, one that aligns more with who the person really is. I believe this was happening for me. Yes, I have been struggling with mood swings my whole life, and yes, I tent to be melancholic and a fatalist at times, but I also know now that depression I was going through was actually an initiation. It was the rite of passage indicating my entrance into a whole new period for me - period that signals a beginning of the second half of life - one that will allow me to see myself differently, to express myself fully, and to embrace all the weird, unconventional, socially often unacceptable and kinky parts of me.
Events like this one are present everywhere around us, especially in mythology. Look at the myth of Persephone, for example. Persephone is a dual deity, since, as a Queen of the Underworld, where she would be in charge over the dead with fascinating self-determination, she was also a Goddess of fertility and spring, and loved the nature. She was the daughter of Demeter and Zeus, and as the daughter of the Goddess of harvest, she was also known as “the girl” or “the maiden”. As the story goes, Hades, the ruler of the Underworld, decided that he wanted to marry Persephone. So, one day while she was enjoying smelling flowers in a meadow, Hades appeared out of the ground, grabbed her and took her with him to the Underworld, to be his wife and queen. Needles to say that Demeter was hurt and heartbroken, and since she was the Goddess of agriculture and fertility, the earth was now impoverished, and there was scarcity of food. People were dying. Zeus needed to resolved this issue and he proposed that Persephone spends 6 months (half of the year) with her mother, and the other half with Hades in the Underworld. This is how the seasons have been born - when Persephone would return to her mother, that was the time of warmth and abundance, the seasons of spring and summer. The other six months symbolize autumn and winter, with their dark and cold qualities, when Persephone spends six months below the earth and away from her mother. There is an important part of the story here, and this is that Persephone in time learns how to love Hades and the Underworld. The myth says that Persephone was very unhappy at first, but after some time, she came to love Hades and lived happily with him. Something happened on her journey through the Underworld, something challenges her, she struggles and suffers for some time, and this exact experience helps her grow, mature, evolve and change. She becomes accustomed to changes, to seasons, and equally embraces light, beginnings, and abundance, as well as darkness, death, endings and rebirths. Isn’t this something that all of us can recognize often happening in our own lives?
Just like Virginia Woolf, in the quote above, touched upon the forever longing that we all share - to be free from the expectations and imprisonment of society and breathe freely and fully instead. To be authentic, open and vulnerable, and true to ourselves. We may not be able to fully escape though, but rather get a brief breathing space before returning to the unavoidable painful human existence in the world we are living in. However, I deeply believe, that in those short glimpses of escape, when we are our truest selves, we may be able to touch the Divine - that piece of us that is of Divine nature - and notice the limitless possibilities beyond our own inner restricting beliefs and obstacles.
“When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.When your vision has gone,
no part of the world can find you.Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own…… The dark will be your home
tonight.The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in…… Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learnanything or anyone
that does not bring you aliveis too small for you.” ~ From the poem Sweet Darkness, by David Whyte
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Stay safe. Marina
