begin everything anew
“The psyche creates reality every day. The only expression I can use for this activity is fantasy. Fantasy is just as much feeling as thinking, as much intuition as sensation… Fantasy is not a sickness, but a natural and vital activity which helps the seeds of psychic development to grow.” ~ Edward Hoffman, The Wisdom of Carl Jung
I haven’t posted anything in two months. After the last post, where I announced that the publication will be transitioning to The Way of Persephone - life, somehow, just happened and took over. I have turned towards it (as if I have had any say in the matter), and every time I would want to post I would realize that I am not ready to do that just yet. I needed more time to absorb the experiences, feel them fully, digest them - let them sit in my system before I share them with the public. It was a much needed sacred pause which most often serves as a catalyst of a rebirth, a transformation, a change - simply put. Also - if I am being completely frank - I was fucking around a bit (both literarily and figuratively). But, all for the sake of finding out! (You’re familiar with the “fuck around and find out”, right?) Anyways, the point being - I wasn't posting. And this is not such a big issue (at least not for me). What the issue is, however, is that I wasn't writing either. And that’s not good for me - it tends to isolate me, it doesn’t provide a space for full processing and understanding of the events and my emotions, and in a way it disconnect me from my Self. This was the longest break I took since I started this newsletter in April 2023 - when writing (and posting) became a significant ritual for me and a space where I get to express who I am, what I am doing in my life, how I am changing and evolving, and how this process can potentially be beneficial for others. And so, I feel a bit disconnected at the moment, a little absent and lacking full presence and awareness, and very vulnerable as if I am writing (and posting) for the first time.
And, so, before this year ends and the new one begins, I feel an urge to reflect on 2024 out loud. This musing has been my own little routine for the past several years, where I would attempt on consciously allowing one chapter to end, to die, and intend to let go of some old stuff so that the new can show up and unfold - something along the lines of what Michael Meade describes as “to follow the course of nature in which the world descends into darkness before the light and the energy of life begins to return”. The point here is witnessing this astounding capacity of life to regenerate itself, and do it all over again, and again. We get to experience the beginning - the rebirth - after each ending, each death. And, although, this witnessing does not in any way remove our pain in this world, it can help us get a bit of relief and avoid getting additionally overwhelmed by it. It can allow for deep insights, profound observations and reflections, and the development of the inner strength and trust.
This year has been one of the most powerful, influential, and inspiring years in my life, and completely unexpected, above everything (as it often is the case). I was not in any way prepared (at least not consciously) for what was about to happen, and yet - it all felt like the right thing to experience. Not necessarily always pleasant or even just comfortable - oh, not at all - but always eye-opening and deeply cathartic. I have been in the lifestyle (I am referring to a specific way of living that is different from the societal norm, specifically speaking about one’s sexual practices and preferences, like swinging, kink/BDSM, and polyamory) for many years - not officially though, and not in all of them. Swinging has been something I have explored a bit with a few partners in the past. I was always struggling with monogamy and believed that polyamory might have been a better choice for me personally, but never dared to try it. Finally, I think I have been kinky as long as I can remember, but definitely did not allow that part of me to have a life and to come out to light. Although these lifestyles came so organically to me throughout my life, none of these practices were socially acceptable and desirable in the society, and since I did not have a community of like-minded humans around me to explore this with - I could not share about them, embrace them, get educated about them, and develop them in a healthy way. So, I have in a way shut them down for a while (except in those occasions when I would be drunk or high and would “allow” myself to go “crazy”).
I always (secretly) wanted to participate in swinging community; I wanted to play with multiple people, and there was always something blocking me. I didn’t know what it was, at first. I mean, obviously it was for the most part the way I was raised and the environment in which I grew up in - the patriarchal, macho, shaming culture with double standards and discrimination - but this was something I knew already, and I knew it intellectually. Additionally, there was something else, something deeply internalized, something I strongly identified with - it was shame; shame for being aroused by certain things, shame around my fantasies and desires, shame around wanting things that are “weird”, “slutty”, “strange”, “sick”, “abnormal”… Shame was always there, since only sluts and whores wanted what I wanted, and did what I wanted to do. It was a bit different when I used to drink and get high, as then the inhibitions would be removed, but at the same time I would put myself in dangerous and risky situations since I was not fully conscious, aware and therefore, could not fully consent to things. But when I got sober, I realized how shame was stopping me, it was literally blocking my body. And during the last ten years of my life as a sober person, I had to slowly learn how to allow and hold space for that discomfort, for those fears and insecurities (some related to my appearances and qualities as a woman, and others related to relating to other people), for all that shame, and all the other uncomfortable emotions if I wanted to move forward and not only embrace the lifestyle that I so much wanted, but also become a woman I was always supposed to be.
Kink (and, more specifically, BDSM - stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism) opened up something completely different for me. My journey with kink started as something I have always had excessive (but very secret) interest in and wanted to explore, has gone into a practice that I would use to get “high” and make my endorphins rush, only to gradually become an essential part of my therapy, self-exploration and individuation process. Kink is a true medicine for many people. I am not suggesting that it should be practiced instead of therapy, but it can be transformational if it’s done along with it. Through scenes, which are planned and negotiated (often, but not always, sexual) interactions between consensual adults, we can create certain situations identical to those from the past that made an individual feel strong and empowered (and they want to feel that way again), moments from the past where they felt powerless, violated, or harmed (and so they get to create a moment of empowerment for themselves). We can also use kink therapeutically in order to switch off the brain and get into the body and the senses. Most of us are conditioned to be in our heads all the time, and kink (for example, through sensation play) can take us into the body, where we get to be present, where we can receive freedom and get some relief. In kink, ideally, there is open and transparent communication between adults, which can create safety, trust, and allow for a certain level of comfort while having hard conversations, in being able to speak openly about your hidden desires to others without being judged and criticized. And this is not only beautiful to witness, but can be profoundly healing for all parties involved.
When I officially joined the kink community, I dove right in. I would be lying if I’d say that I was fully aware and careful about what I was doing. The truth is, most people are unconscious when they get into kink. The problem, I believe, can occur if we remain this way. As I was more and more out there, playing and experimenting, I started slowly taking my experiences - thoughts, emotions, sensations and triggers - to my therapy sessions. I have realized that in the moment when I ask myself why I am doing what I am doing (or why I have a desire to do what I do), that is the moment when I am conscious in kink (and really, in anything we do in life). And, this is not the judgmental and critical “why” but rather that curious and investigative question - the one that wants to understand things on a deeper level. Why do I want these things? Where is this coming from? Why do I want to submit to a dominant partner? Why do I like being told what to do? Why do I like when someone else tells me to do a thing I’ve always desires to do but didn’t dare to? Why do I want to be restrained and objectified? Why do I want to be whipped and flogged? Why do I enjoy pain?… And, sometimes I will get the answers, and other times I won’t. But simply asking these questions is something that makes this activity, this practice, a conscious one. Very often, we choose to remain in the realm of shame and maybe disconnect or disassociate - it may seem easier than thinking about these things and understanding them. However, understanding them and where they come from will most often justify and legitimize our desires, it will hopefully normalize them and even embrace them, and shame most probably will slowly dissipate. And if we don’t have the answer, that is perfectly ok - we don’t have to necessarily hold the answers or understand something in order to be able to enjoy it. For the full self-acceptance and self-love it is crucial, however, to love ourselves for wanting it and doing it. Loving oneself despite of it, isn’t really true self-love.
Overall, this year represents a significant one for me on so many levels. I turned forty-five in June and realized just how much I have changed and grew as a woman. How much I am closer to who I really am, and how much I love me for all I am. How little or no shame I feel these days about things that are attractive to me, about my desires and dreams, things that light me up and excite me, the things that matter to me, and about all my imperfections. It may seem to some of you who know me well that I have always been this way; in reality, that could not be more far from the truth. I have (without ill intentions) projected many desirable qualities out there in the world, I have played that role in my personal and professional life very well, all the while, deep down, I was often scared shitless, insecure and ashamed, overly self-critical, and at times very shy and unassuming. And I clearly wasn’t allowing certain aspects of me to fully blossom. I used to believe that my heightened desire for sex, eroticism, physical connection, and play is somehow wrong and superficial, and it cannot possibly coexist successfully with my highly educated, intellectual, and classy, side. I couldn’t be more wrong - the hottest people out there (and I don’t mean simply physically beautiful, but rather attractive, desirable, appealing, charismatic, interesting etc.) and the most sexual and kinky ones, are most often those who are highly intelligent, educated, and incredibly conscious human beings. And it feels so good considering these people to be my community. All I ever wanted was for someone to look at me and see the person I was hiding in so fucking well.
Kink, and lifestyle in general, can be a wonderful way to practice holding space for ourselves, and to not only accept but also celebrate those things and false beliefs that are holding us back in life, and whose slaves we often seem to be. Letting ourselves be seen through our own eyes but also through the eyes of the loving community; letting our fears and insecurities out in the open while other like-minded people hold space for us, could be the most amazing way to heal. We just need to be brave enough; brave enough to face the unknown and the uncomfortable. And, of course, to educate ourselves - to keep asking questions, to be open for unimaginable and unexpected, for something completely new.
And, so, we truly do not know what the New Year might bring, and we simply must accept the so often painful state of “not knowing” - that uncertainty and murkiness before the birth of a new life happens (and hopefully surprises us positively). It’s like the Buddhist concept of the “beginners mind” - which says that keeping the open and unassuming viewpoint of a beginner makes us less likely to repeat old behaviors. And, since there are numerous possibilities in a beginner’s mind about how things can go, life can persist to be mysterious and open to all that unrealized and untapped potential. As Rainer Maria Rilke says, “And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that never were.”
May this year bring you more clarity, spirit, and connection.
May you be curious, strong and open to face the puzzle and conundrum of life that is about to unravel before you.
May you become more authentic and may you find your soul’s path.
May you be touched by the remarkable and the eternal.
May we all continue to heal ourselves and each other.
“We live amidst a shattering of paradigms that radically alter familiar patterns in both nature and culture. As the future of the Earth itself becomes increasingly uncertain the search for genuine knowledge begins with accepting the sense that we truly do not know what the New Year might bring. To find the kinds of insight and wisdom we most need, we must accept the condition of “not knowing” that parallels the uncertainty and darkness that appear before creation occurs… Inside all stuck situations there is a deep vulnerability that can lead to a release of unexpected imagination and inspired ideas.” ~ Michael Meade, New Year’s Essay
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Until we meet again,
Marina