checking in on this windy spring day
“I slept and dreamt
that life was joy.
I awoke and saw
that life was duty.
I worked — and behold,
duty was joy.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore
It’s officially spring and, as it is a season of growth, development and starting over and fresh, it seemed like an ideal time to check in again and offer a short update on my life and what I have been doing. I could be also just using this opportunity - as I am expressing what is going on out loud - to check in with myself and make sure I understand, and fully accept and embrace, what is going on in my life at the moment - to see my life for what it really is, and how different (if different, at all) it is from what I would want it to be.
Lately, I have been mostly disconnected from planning and big picture perspective. I have never been good at longterm planning and goals setting (I don’t think anyone who comes from former Yugoslavia is). It’s been all happening in the now and there’s been a lot of allowing, adapting, softening, flowing, responding and improvising. As some of you may know, I didn’t plan initially to stay this long in the US this time around, and despite my plans, here I am. The essential (existential) question somehow shifted from “What can I expect from life?” into something that holds more responsibility and agency on my part - something that sounds more like “What does life expect of me?” It is no longer me who is asking about the meaning of life, it is me who has to answer to the questions posed by life itself - daily, sometimes even moment-by-moment.
“Living itself means nothing other than being questioned; our whole act of being is nothing more than responding to — of being responsible toward — life.” ~ Viktor Frankl, Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything
I have been reflecting on the question “What task in life is waiting for me?” Life itself directs this question at me - at all of us. We are the ones who must answer, who must give answers to the continual, recurring questions of life - to those essential questions. And, there can only be one option at a time to give meaning to life, meaning to the moment. From all this comes the knowing that life always offers us an opportunity for the attainment of meaning - there is always the possibility that it has some sort of a meaning. After all, we are creatures who seek meaning in life. From this, we may say that our whole human existence can be made meaningful to the very last moment of our existence - as long as we are still conscious and breathing, we are each responsible for answering life’s questions. How exciting! And, at the same time, how much weight this carries - how much it asks for responsibility from us.
When I reflect on how some of the most important recent decisions of my life have changed the course of life itself, I can see when, how, and - most importantly - why, life asked of me to take them on. I can see how they drive meaning in my life, moment-to-moment, and to where I am standing right now. And, most importantly, I can see how they influence and affect the future events (not that the future is more important than this moment right now - although, most of us tend to act in a way as if the future is guaranteed and more significant than the present).
…
First anniversary of Messy Recovery blog is coming any day now - on April 9th.
Seventh anniversary of my (second, and current) sobriety - absence of mind altering substances and abstaining from sexual misconduct (how I see and practice it) - is around the corner as well - on April 10th.
Completing Jungian coaching program and receiving certification is only few months away - in May.
My trip to Serbia is getting closer and closer - coming up in June/July.
My intimate/romantic relationships are growing each day, allowing me to explore my own inner depths and evolve as an individual.
…
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.” ~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
So, here’s a quick update on a few main areas of my life…
Home Life
I am still in between Los Angeles and San Diego, with a difference of not planning to change my country of residence anytime soon. I am not looking to move anywhere at the moment, and not looking for a change of scenery. Last time I checked in, this was all unknown and still a bit unsettling for me, creating some anxiety as well as a sense of helplessness. Today, however, I am feeling grounded and I know that I am where I am supposed to be - it feels so right in my gut and, throughout challenging me, it also helps me evolve, grow up and mature. So many opportunities opening up here, and, although, in a million years I would not expect to be here, I am here - happily. Mala and I are still enjoying our beach walks, and we’re looking forward to the warmer and dryer weather.
Work Stuff
I have been taking new clients lately, primarily those interested in exploring some existential questions - like meaning, purpose, calling, death, solitude, individuation… just to name a few. I am no longer focussing primarily on Compassionate Inquiry approach (although I still use its teachings and methodologies when appropriate) and I still do accept clients who want to explore their life within this approach. Mostly, however, I am interested in transitioning into Jungian coaching more and more. This is very exciting time for me as I have found a completely new interest and meaning in depth psychology - both personally and professionally. I have also been contemplating on teaching mindfulness courses again, but for some reason I have been delaying that. Finally, I need to sit down and work on my website. It no longer accurately portrays who I am and what I wish to offer to the world.
Health & Balance
My body feels often tired these days, as I am much more socializing and being an extrovert than in recent years. However, I feel great mentally and emotionally, and being around like-minded people seems to be feeding my soul (besides starving my sleep). I try to give my body time and rest that it needs, but I also keep it active and often I drain the last bits of energy that it has. Consciously, but nevertheless unskillfully, I try to compensate this with coffee, which works only temporarily (I am sure by now you are familiar with how addictive patterns work). I have taken a short break from yoga, only to be getting back to it recently. It feels good, but I also noticed that the longer the break I take, the more difficult it is for my body to adapt to it. I might be getting older… For my mental wellbeing, I have been doing a lot of journaling, dream incubation, and writing still brings me joy and fulfillment.
Friends & Family
I have been immersed into a new and exciting community for the past six months. I am making new friends every day, and I have been feeling very much at home. Not only am I feeling comfortable and taken care of, but I also have been getting out of my comfort zone a lot more often - challenged and my limits pushed daily. Sometimes uncomfortable, often conflicted, but always with consent, gratitude and love.
I visited my closest cousin in Vancouver earlier this month, and it was so wonderful connecting with him and exchanging memories and experiences from both of our childhoods in Serbia. I am also happy I will get to see my family and friends back in Serbia this year. Summer is fun over there, and Danube - refreshing and cooling - is a popular place for the crowd.
Spirituality, Sobriety & Recovery
I haven’t really been active in recovery, at all, these days. At least not directly - through recovery meetings and communities. However, I feel very balanced. Mentally, most of the time I feel clear, calm and very grounded and focussed. Emotionally, I go through waves and emotional twirls, but overall they don’t last long and they are not as intense as they used to be. Although I started socializing and going out more often, I feel absolutely no attraction towards booze and I haven’t thought about it for a second. It’s so liberating. Even my tendency towards emotional overeating is gone. For all I know it may be only hibernating, but it feels in check today. Additionally, the work that I do with my clients feels rewarding and gives me a sense of being on the right path and serving a higher purpose.
Spirituality took a different turn for me this year. I have traditionally been a very black and white individual - very extreme in my views and preferences - with a tremendous difficulty in finding a middle ground. No surprise I was attracted to Buddhism - the middle way - in my search for balance and compromise in life. When I stepped onto a more advanced spiritual path, for a while I dedicated myself to it fully, and cut off the other areas and practices of my life that didn’t match this path. It was great for a while, until it wasn't. I didn’t know how to make a healthy balance between the two seemingly opposite lives, and so I started isolating myself, every day falling deeper and deeper into depression. Finding a new way of incorporating spiritual life into my daily, worldly, life was a difficult task, but nevertheless absolutely worth it.
What’s Next?
This year has already been unbelievably exciting, completely unpredictable and beyond rich in experiences and events, that I can’t even comprehend what else might be happening. But, I do have a sense that after taking some time over the summer to reconnect with my history and place of origin, this fall might bring a new beginning, a very new identity.
“The fact, and only the fact, that we are mortal, that our lives are finite, that our time is restricted and our possibilities are limited, this fact is what makes it meaningful to do something, to exploit a possibility and make it become a reality, to fulfill it, to use our time and occupy it. Death gives us a compulsion to do so. Therefore, death forms the background against which our act of being becomes a responsibility. ~ Viktor Frankl, Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything
As always, I am grateful for your subscription!
If you feel inspired or moved, if you feel seen or heard, or you find it relatable you can offer me a tip! PayPal me or Venmo me. You can also upgrade your subscription to a paid membership. Until next time!
Stay safe. Marina
