country of origin, mother wound, and a pre-trip apprehension
“We don’t know what’s coming next, but we can go to it with purpose. We can go to it dancing.”
~ Toby Israel, Vagabondess: A Guide to Solo Female Travel
I will be traveling to Europe to visit my family and friends in less than one week from now. I flew to the US in February 2023, and I haven’t been in Serbia ever since. From the time I moved to the US in 2006, I usually visit my place of birth once in every year and a half or two. It’s been interesting to observe what these visits are like as times goes by. At times I would be very excited to visit and could hardly wait for it, and then some other times it would feel like an obligation to others, an assignment to be undertaken. No matter which scenario takes place, these visits always bring up a lot of memories for me - it somehow always ends up being emotional, and I most certainly look forward coming back to where my home is at the moment. It is sometimes painful and difficult to admit it, and certainly can provoke some feelings of guilt and a sense of responsibility deep inside of me, but, the truth is - I have always known that I would never wish to go back and live in Serbia after I left.
This time, plan is to spend most of my time in Serbia, and also travel to Copenhagen for a wedding ceremony of a dear friend, as well as visit Berlin where a close friend has moved to recently. I am excited about the travel - don’t get me wrong - but I am also feeling anxious and a bit overwhelmed in the anticipation of these events. And I was curious about that… I have always loved the uncertainty and changeability of traveling - it would bring up excitement and adrenalin, and it would often ask for a “beginner’s mind” and involve spontaneity and going with a flow. Lately, however, I have been feeling a bit more dread around it, and when it comes to going to Serbia, it often involves apprehension and a certain unease. I know that there are those who impatiently await for my arrival, and that my heart will soften and melt, as soon as I see them. I also know that they remember and are familiar with a certain version of me, while there are many (new) parts of me that will remain unknown to them.
It isn’t just Serbia that I am getting ready to visit, but this would be a meeting of the person I had been for so many years, the future me I had always imagined I would be if I haven’t left, and also a present me that has been living outside of that environment for almost two decades. Living other places has become a significant part of my self-identity, just as much as the fact that I was born and raised in Yugoslavia (now Serbia) - if not even more. And, so, I wonder… Who was I then and who am I now? What is this new, transformed part of me and how does it relate to what remained of me in Serbia? And, how does this relationship change and shift throughout the time? All the places we have lived in and the places we grew up in, mothers that cared for us, families that have raised us - all these aspects have a certain impact on our lives, our relationships, our dreams… And, the houses and homes we are aching for - whether they are real or fantasized about - disclose so much about our inner nature and the state of mind.
I’m a migrant and a traveler - a nomad - and I am happy to be a citizen of the world. I am also grateful and humble, that I have not only traveled to other places for the purpose of visiting, but also moved to different places in order to get to know the land and its people. I have encountered many amazingly kind and interesting people who have crossed my path, and learnt so much about different cultures. I have also experienced that, in reality, there are no such things as “us” and “them”, just a wide variety of humans. I often wonder how much would our place of birth really determine who we are and what we are like, if the world would have been one big playground and if there were no borders between different geographic areas. If you consider that we decided to put unnatural borders which, then, created one hundred and ninety something countries, it seems that being born in one place or the other could also be pretty random, a pure chance, to say so. Some are born in the West and considered privileged - not necessarily better than others, but privileged, for sure. There are those who have been born in the areas lacking in resources; where there is poverty, and even brutal conflicts and wars. And then, there are all of us somewhere in between - who may have been raised in places with limited opportunities but decided that we want to get out, take a chance, and go and explore.
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.” ~ Anais Nin
For me personally, leaving my parents, home, and the country of origin meant “growing up” - that is, embarking on a journey of becoming my own true self. I had somewhat a comfortable life, but in a country that lacked opportunities and possibilities. I knew it won’t provide many significant opportunities for me to grow and evolve. And, granted, it hasn't been easy since. But then again, as the saying goes “Nothing worth having comes easy.” The most amazing and valuable experiences in life happen outside of our comfort zone. As we see in most stories and fairy tales as well, without the initial difficulty or a certain sense of abandonment, the heroine would not be required to discover her courage, self-confidence, self-worth, and maturity - so, I too, needed to encounter my own fair share of challenges. And, as someone once said: “A path always makes so much more sense in retrospect” - it all makes more sense to me now that those critical years are behind me.
“If a person wishes to be sure of the road on which they tread, they must close their eyes and walk in the dark.” ~ John of the Cross
It is interesting to observe how the idea of home is expressed and portrayed in traditional stories and fairy tales. Fairy tales often begin with a hero being driven from her family home by poverty (or some other challenge and difficulty) and into the search for the refuge and sanctuary of a new home. Most often, tales like this follow a young hero's transition from childhood to adulthood, where the realization of the journey is often symbolized by a union and a merging, through a wedding ceremony at the end of the story. More adult versions of the fairy tales are focused on a period required to test the hero's spirit and strength, and provoke growth and self-transformation. Such stories speak to the challenges we face at any time in our life, when the circumstances force us to leave home - literally and/or symbolically - setting us on the road to an unknown future and in a search of a whole new identity.
I think of my story along these lines as well... There has always been a certain longing in my heart, a longing no one could fill. I knew deep down that there is something I am yearning for, even when I did not know what exactly it is and did not have words to express it. In between my moves for the past eighteen years, there have been periods of “homelessness” - of this state of in-betweens and transitions - the state which is rich in opportunities for inner change and growth. In fairy tales, usually, when the hero’s journey ends and all the trials are figured out, he, then, returns home again in victory. A heroine, however, journeys out into the world knowing deeply inside that she will never return. Instead, at the end of, often, dangerous, uncertain, and solitary journey, she arrives at a new village or kingdom. This is where she brings the gifts of her knowledge, maturity, creativity, and richness to a new home and a very new community. This is, in a way, what I have been doing for the past eighteen years - and it makes quite a rich and extraordinary life.
“Folk tales remind us that moving home is not a simple act. It's a rite-of-passage, with all the attendant dangers and potential rewards that such passages offer. Houses are more than just real estate; they represent our innermost selves (as the Jungian say) and the stages of our lives (as the fairy tales tell us). In both views, moving from one home to another means passing through a period of upheaval, provoking internal change and self-transformation. And we're advised to carry the coals of our old life with us to kindle the new life ahead.” ~ Terri Windling
The truth is that we cannot look to our biological mothers, parents, guardians - or any other human being for that matter - to fill the deep longing within us. This longing can only be filled from within ourselves. Like Bethany Webster says it beautifully: “The homecoming to the true motherland happens within.” I needed to become my own mother - learn how to mother myself - and offer love, care, nurturance, adventure, understanding, and also discipline and stability, for myself. And I couldn't have done it by staying. I had to leave and set out on a journey without a return.
Robert Macfarlane - British writer known for his books on places, people and language - writes that there are two things to ask of a landscape: “What do I know in this place that I know nowhere else?” and “What does this place know of me that I cannot know myself?” According to Macfarlane “Thought is site-specific and motion-sensitive. By which I mean that we are different creatures depending on where we are: we know as we go… Landscape scapes us; it is dynamic and commotion-causing; it sculpts and shapes us not only over the courses of our lives but also instant by instant, incident by incident.” This would in a way mean that we think differently in different landscapes. And therefore, certain thoughts might be possible only in certain places. We all have those certain places where we go back to and they trigger certain (pleasant) types of feelings and memories for us. Some other places, in turn, surprise us negatively with how new and unknown they feel, or they shock us in some ways, and we find them undesirable. We seem to need to be in certain surroundings in order to receive deeper information about ourselves, our yearnings. We also need to go back to certain places and explore what those places know of us, what memories they hold and what teachings they can offer.
In a preparation for my trip, I am reflecting on how I can possibly weave myself back into the soul of that world I was born into, and how I can make sense of myself in that landscape. I don’t yet know what roads are set down ahead of me, or who I would be on the next stage of my journey through life. I can’t imagine the obstacles I would possibly face, or the fortune I would find at the end of this journey. All I can be certain of is - just like the fairy tales and stories tell us - it's when we leave home that the magic sets about. It’s also when we give up - when we give up make-beliefs, impressing others, caring what others think... when we give up playing games and find our true selves.
“Seek joy. Seek more questions than answers. Seek jobs, friends, lovers, homes in which or with whom you feel utterly yourself. Better yet, seek experiences that challenge you to become even more yourself — that is, to grow.
And if you should find more growth in movement, do not stop moving. And if you should find more meaning in stillness, stay still. And if at the end you still should wonder if you ever did find your calling, look back over the one inimitable path behind you, and ask your footsteps what you have learned.
Hint: The right questions lead not to answers, but to doors. We don’t find our calling, we walk it.”~ Toby Israel, Vagabondess: A Guide to Solo Female Travel
As always, I am grateful for your subscription!
If you feel inspired or moved, if you feel seen or heard, or if you find my offerings in any way relatable, you can offer me a tip! PayPal me or Venmo me.
You can also upgrade your subscription to a paid membership.
Stay safe.
Until we meet again,
Marina
Sweet safe travels and thank you
Your beautiful words resonated deeply for many reasons and some very similar passages taken