Cruising with (Strong) Emotions
There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt, containing a tornado.
Dam a stream and it will create a new channel.
Resist, and the tide will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry you to higher ground.
The only safety lies in letting it all in –
the wild and the weak; fear, fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of the heart, or sadness veils your vision with despair, practice becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your known way of being,
the whole world is revealed to your new eyes. ~ Allow, by Danna Faulds
I had a trouble waking up today (it is September 27th when I am writing this). My alarm ended up on snooze more times than I hoped for. I just kept on snoozing and snoozing… When I finally woke up and touched upon not-so-full consciousness, I became aware of the bad taste in my mouth (literally). It was sticky, mucoid, thick; it caused my throat to be sensitive and a bit sore, and it tasted almost like I have been smoking last night - which I haven’t done in years. I knew I am not getting sick, it’s just not that kind of a feeling. But, it was quite a familiar sensation - it reminded me of a hangover: a total dread, low energy, dehydration, sleepiness, my eyelids heavy and burning, nausea, extreme sensitivity to sounds and light… No, I haven’t been drinking last night either. But, I did stay up later than usual (which, for me, can be as early as 11pm), I had a late dinner (which is anything after 7pm these days) and a few sugary mocktails (I have no idea where that choice came from), I did have trouble falling asleep - my neighbor had her outside light on the whole night and that didn’t help - and I kept on waking up multiple times…
So, when I finally got up, I dragged my butt to the kitchen to feed Mala, and got ready to take her out. I have soon realized how this hangover-like state affects my relationship to everything and everyone around me. I was walking around the neighborhood aimlessly, didn’t keep the eye contact with the people I see everyday around here, I had a hard time enjoying the walk and connecting with the nature, sounds of the street and traffic were overwhelming, the sunlight was bothering my eyes, my mouth dry and sticky, it was difficult to be present with just about anything… All of a sudden, a thought comes in, as if my painful physical experience of a simple existence wasn’t enough - “I have so much to do today, how am I going to manage all that?”… This continued into “You have so much going on in your life right now, when will you ever slow down and rest?”… And then there goes “You really cannot NOT overbook yourself, can’t you? When will you finally learn to say no and take some space for yourself?”… And just like that, seemingly out of nowhere, I find myself trapped in a vortex of negative thoughts - one after the other. Sounds familiar? It happens to all us (even to those of us who are teaching mindfulness).
“Your mind is this expansive awareness, like a sky, and nothing can change that. Everything else, every emotion, is like a cloud, sometimes like a storm. The difficulty for us is how to connect with that sky. But, [know that] the fundamental quality of the mind is calm and present.” ~ Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
As more and more thoughts were coming in and flooding my mind, I started feeling my heart beating faster and faster, and my breath becoming shallower. My fists started clenching and the knot in my belly contracting. I continued walking nervously, trying to rush back to the house so I can jump start my day already, thinking that I am late - I am already so late for my life - thinking that I won’t make it, that I need to go over my calendar and delete things schedule, but at the same time I don’t know which ones to delete, I think that I will flank that coaching program I am taking, I will never be able to complete those coaching hours, and I might not manage to squeeze in that yoga class I planned, and what about being social and seeing friends... While actively engaged in my obsessive thoughts, all of a sudden I unexpectedly was stopped in my tracks, as Mala’s leash extended and tightened up fully. I glanced back at her, thinking she’ll continue walking right away, but then I noticed her concerned wise eyes looking at me - she is refusing to move on until I calm down and start walking like my ordinary self again. And I do - I start breathing more slowly and deeply, I smell the jasmine flower from the nearby bush, and I continue our walk more peacefully and with more presence. By the time we got back home, negative thoughts kind of evaporated from my mind, like the clouds in the sky above me. And, again, there was spaciousness and a certain lightness to my being.
As soon as there is a specific feeling or a sensation in the body - be it pleasant, unpleasant, neutral, or a mix of these three - soon, there will be a thought arising. Naturally, if a sensation is mostly unpleasant, thoughts will most likely be negative - around either (self) blaming, judging, criticizing etc. And, with a thought and thinking, comes an emotion. Emotion will usually stick around briefly, unless we feed it with more thoughts (which is, unfortunately, what most people do most of the time) - especially if thoughts are related to us not liking what we are feeling and experiencing, wanting it to be different or blaming and judging ourselves (or others) for feeling a certain way. This is what brings us a lot of suffering in life. Especially if you are someone who tends to dwell in those emotions that take your stability and balance away.
Simply, having emotions isn’t a bad thing - it’s part of a human condition and experience (and if you don’t like this - well, too bad - you will just have to get used to it). Often I hear my clients say “I don’t want to feel this way”. The question is more about how to navigate strong emotions - how to work with them and guide them into calmer waters, how to so-exist with them. But, separating them on one side, away from the “positive” emotions, or identifying completely with them - won’t help. Things are not so black or white, and nothing is so separate from anything else really - it is all intertwined and connected within us. Some people become alive only when experiencing strong emotions, while others become overwhelmed by them, sometimes even paralyzed. Boredom - which is basically a state where we‘re not feeling much sensations - can be a huge trigger for some (especially addicts). There are those who never experience the emotion of boredom, mostly because they keep themselves so busy that they never stop and pause, and allow for boredom to maybe show up.
Pema Chodron, an American Tibetan-Buddhist nun, says that “opening to whatever might happen next is like jumping off a cliff… Close your eyes… Feel your heart. And give a bow to everything that is present.” What if we could be open and allow everything to be an open question - every sensation, every emotion, even a thought? And maybe we don’t even get the answers, and so some questions remains open. We don’t like this about life, but we don’t really know where it will take us. Often it feels like we are in an uncharted territory, feeling our way through the dark. In the same way we don’t know where things - like our own thoughts and emotions - will go for us from here into the next moment, and how we will feel, what we will think about… It’s like we feel something right now, and then there’s a beginning of a very next thing. Pema says: “It’s a culmination of what’s come before and beginning of what’s going to happen… a flow…”
“Allow everything to be an open question.
And maybe you don’t get all the answers, so the questions remain open.
Basic goodness is this primordial openness, this open mindedness… basic openness…
Keep the open mindedness in you… ” ~ Pema Chodron
All emotions are intelligent, they are here for a reason. They are meant to serve our well-being and inform us about our inner states. Blocking the emotions - especially those like grief, anger, fear - is basically blocking our own self-care; it is an act of violence agains the self. When we open to our emotions and allow ourselves to embody them - even anger and rage - we can actually process them. And, on the other hand, there is a real suffering when we block them or when we are possessed by those strong emotions, when they imprison us and hold us hostage. Tara Brach, an American psychologist, author, and meditation teacher, speaks so beautifully about those moments when anger takes over:
“There is a suffering, however, when anger possesses our whole being.
Vengeance imprisons us in suffering. We may get justice, but never peace, never healing. Vengeance is a lazy form of grief. It’s also a lazy form of fear and vulnerability.
Letting the anger taking over is easier. It is very hard to do nothing and just feel the anger.”
If we pause and meet the emotion with compassionate attention, we can process it and arrive at a safe space, from which we can respond differently, and even more wisely and skillfully. It’s a sacred art of pausing that is needed, when intense energy appears. Just like my Mala stopped when she felt that I am on a hamster wheel of anxiety, caught in the negative thoughts vortex, and offered me an opportunity to pause, get in touch with the present moment, and get off the cycle. When speaking of health and well-being, this is what comes to mind for me - being in my body (aware of sensations), feeling my breathe and also when I stop breathing, being present in the moment (noticing things and the world around me and being engaged with them)… it also helps having the kind of life that is a little bit more peaceful and calm - despite all the daily challenges that life brings, I can also notice when I personally contribute to life with my own (often unnecessary) drama.
As Carl Jung’s says: “One doesn’t become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Becoming aware of our tendencies, shadows, mental and emotional propensities is the first step in getting to know ourselves and learning how to navigate strong emotions and habitual patterns, and maybe even heal. If we deny to see them, if we keep on blocking them and avoiding them, or we keep on fighting them and rejecting them - just like any other part of ourselves that we don’t like - no good comes from that. At least, no change happens, and we stay in darkness. We remain in our old patterns and live those very well-known outcomes. In Buddhism, health and wellness can be seen as a product of a continuous sustained practice, as oppose to a more traditional goal-oriented way. Sure, there are things that we might not be able to necessarily influence directly, such as genetics for example (although this is also questionable considering the more recent research) - and these factors can affect our tendencies and potential challenges. But overall, teachings and practices that can carry us from more fatalistic mindset into something more peaceful, calming, open and trusting, can help shift our emotions, our mental states, and, with that, our physical health as well.
… “Once, I ran from difficult feelings.
Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends, and they all have a home in me,
and they all belong and have dignity.
I am sensitive, soft, fragile, my arms wrapped around all my inner children.
And in my sensitivity, power.
In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.
In the depths of my wounds, in what I had named “darkness”,
I found a blazing Light that guides me now in battle.
I became a warrior when I turned towards myself.
And started listening.” ~ From the poem How I Became a Worrier by Jeff Foster