Dating, Sex & Relationships in Sobriety
Before and After
“I pray for the courage
To walk naked
At any age
To wear red and purple,
To be unladylike,
Inappropriate,
Scandalous and incorrect
To the very end.” ~ Gloria Steinem
Dating and relationships can be difficult and complicated as it is, let alone if you’re in sobriety - or, even worse, early sobriety. There is just so much tenderness in us, so much vulnerability, novelty in how we’re experiencing the world around us, and insecurity about everything - that it is not surprising how some (or better say, most) recovery programs suggest that, no matter what your drug of choice has been, a recovering addict should stay celibate for some time. And not just celibate, but off the market completely. Some even suggest that you take a year off dating and relationships. Naturally, in the end we’ll all make our own choice about this particular issue, but my experience was that I probably should have seriously considered that advice when it was first given to me.
Relationships were messy for me for as long as I can remember. I started having platonic relationships, as well as romantic ones that did not involve sex, early in life. Because at such young age I didn’t really have any idea of who I am and what I want, I was always prone to be deceitful and dishonest about things, mostly out of a need to impress, be accepted, get validation and be liked. Naturally, I’ve attracted people who were similar to me. It was always complicated, dramatic and painful, even since the very beginning. And this was without sex! As soon as I added sex into the equation, things (and life itself) become even more complicated and complex. I was seventeen when I felt the need to start exploring in that area. I did not believe that I needed to fall in love in order to be intimate with someone or to be in a long relationship with them, and I certainly did not believe in “no sex before marriage” - I just remember that one day I felt like I am ready to go there and explore it. And, so I did. He was a bit older than me, more experienced, and a kind, sweet and gentle young man. We lasted for maybe a few weeks, when I decided I want to explore that further with other people. And off I went…
When I experienced my first serious relationship - at the age of nineteen - it was with a married man. Seeing unavailable men started earlier than that. Basically, as soon as I started exploring. So, this one was no different. Although newly married, he was very interested in me. I was young and naive, in love, and did not consider all the possible consequences that might (and soon, will) come out of that. There were a few beautiful moments, and months - maybe even a year - but overall, this relationship crushed me. He got divorced so we can be together, but he was no different with me than he was with his wife, and finally our relationship ended when I found out that he’d been having an affair with another woman for the last year of our relationship. This was not the first time he was cheating, however - there have been countless of others before. There was one brief moment in our relationship before that, when we were not together, and I have decided to sleep with someone else - mostly (unfortunately) because I wanted to hurt him. After we got back together, I told him about it, and he seemed so heartbroken, disappointed and angry at me. I am sure you can notice the double standard and the absurdity of the situation.
A significant factor that contributed to the way that my romantic and sexual life were developing is the place I was born. You see, Serbia was one of those places (and there are many more like that) where, although everyone was having sex with everyone else, most would severely judge a woman who has many partners, and everyone would praise and celebrate a man who would do the same. As in other patriarchal cultures, women would very early learn to compromise just so that they would please a man and in turn receive validation and acceptance - as if the only value of a woman is seen through how much she is desirable for a man. Double standards, conservatism, close mindedness, extreme judgment, insecurity, just to name a few. Additionally, we were somehow all conditioned to believe that monogamy is the only way to be with the other. Therefore, we pushed away and repressed something in us that was telling us that the system might not be working for us, a desire to live differently maybe - and the only alternative to not living monogamous life was to cheat, lie and be dishonest because admitting that we might want something else would be judged and seen as shameful and unacceptable.
I was, too, part of this system. Without blaming and criticizing myself (or the system) right now, it is apparent to me that I was young and naive, very much conditioned, and also completely oblivious to how I was treating myself, how little respect and love I had for me, and also how my actions affected other people. I did not know any better. And, the pattern generally continued until I got sober at the age of thirty five.
“… Women set the course of desire. If she doesn’t want it, it ain’t happening… Yet because we women have believed it to be the other way around for so many thousands of years, it’s really, really difficult for us to see another viewpoint. I mean, how do you teach the sun that she’s the sun? Imagine it. She’s looking around, and she sees light everywhere. She thinks, “I’m on the same ride as all of you! I’m not anything special.” She is the only one who can’t see it, because she is it…” ~ From Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer
As soon as I got sober, I started connecting with my Buddhist sangha more, meditating and joining the community for silent retreats. That was my refuge, my safe haven. In Buddhism, there are five precepts that are offered as guidelines for a mindful, kinder, more conscious and skillful life. These are basic five, that are for everyone, and there are also many more for monastics only. They come from the concept of ahimsa, which means non-harming. So, we are basically restraining ourselves from doing harmful actions (that bring out harmful results). And, just so it is more clear, these precepts are not like ten commandments - it is not about being punished or rewarded, about going to heaven or hell - it is more about how we live our life, how we change, and how we incorporate these guidelines in our daily lives. It is not considered to be fatal if we break them; hell, it’s almost impossible not to. But, when we do - we learn something from it. Just to name them briefly here: refraining from taking life, refraining from taking what is not freely offered, refraining from sexual misconduct, refraining from telling lies, and refraining from taking intoxicants.
As you can see, one of the precept is refraining from sexual misconduct. Sexual misconduct includes many things - from not cheating and deceiving someone you are in a relationship with to not being alone in the room with someone who is married unless their partner is present. These precepts are like layers of an onion, and it is very personal and subjective as to where one wants to take them, how far that is. This is a practice, as we’ll make mistakes on our journey, and hopefully, learn from them. In case you are wondering why Buddha added a precept about refraining from taking intoxicants - well, whenever we take any mind altering substance, any one really, we can (and some of us often do) break one of more of the other precepts (especially the one related to sexual misconduct).
Refraining from sexual misconduct was a very important precept for me - it was the center of my recovery, really. It was essential for me to find a way to not repeat my previous behaviors, and live more wholesome and ethical life. Taking a vow helped very much and served as a refuge to take whenever I was feeling unsure, confused or in doubt. However, that didn’t mean that I knew how to be in a healthy relationship, and that I was eternally changed in a way I show up in the world. For this to happen, it required many more years of self-inquiry and self-acceptance, as well as practices for cultivating (self)compassion, (self)forgiveness, and loving kindness. I had to start from me, and face all those ways in which I have neglected, abandoned, ignored, hurt, disrespected, and disowned my true self before moving on to the work that involved others. Because only when we are hurting so much inside, when were are critical and judgmental towards ourselves, and when we are capable of being our own worst enemy - only then we act that way towards others.
I thought (naively) that my patterns will automatically change overnight as soon as I stop drinking and drugging, and take my spiritual practices more seriously. Of course, that didn't happen. You know, if having unhealthy and dishonest relationships is all you know, then you will keep on returning to them as long as you don’t pause, spend some time alone, take a long and deep look at yourself, and see what is not working and what needs to change. In the beginning of sobriety I was (very loosely) following the “no sex” policy, only to get in a relationship with a guy at only three months sober. He was ten years sober at the time, and probably could’ve known better, but he didn't. In a matter of four months, how long we have been together, I have fallen in love, moved in with him, got engaged, started talking about babies, fell out of love with him, and moved out. I remember the day we were sitting in his dining room, when he, completely and utterly shattered, said to me “I am flying to London this afternoon. I will be back in a month, and you won’t be here.” And, so it was. Certainly, I was not with an unavailable man, but boy was I not ready for all of that… Too raw emotionally, too confused spiritually, too unstable mentally, too scared to be honest and open about my feelings, and completely clueless about who I really am and what I really want.
I have had a few more similar experiences to this one, when one of my dear teachers said that I need to be celibate for sometime and figure out certain things about myself. I trusted her for other things, so why not about this. Mind you, till that point in my life, I have learnt to take a break from anything - food, alcohol, drugs, coffee, social media, TV, you name it - I could quit anything for a certain period of time, but I have never taken a break from people - in terms of relationships, dating and sex. I was terrified! It turned out to be the best decision at the time - it allowed me to focus my energy into other things, to explore my patterns and the reasons why I enter certain relationships, to explore what I like and dislike, who I am without a partner, do I want to be in a (monogamous) relationship or not, what do I want in a relationship, why do I want to be in one etc. This period was filled with journaling, reflecting, and just cruising within the unknown and unfamiliar. Certainly, it was very unpleasant at times, but it was essential work and I would recommend it to anyone who is doing self-inquiry work really, but especially to those who are in (early) recovery.
“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow — this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
Today, as I am nine years on this journey of recovery, and six and a half years continuously clean from alcohol and drugs, I can say that many things have changed. And this doesn’t come as a surprise at all, considering that I spent all these years getting to know (and love) myself better, as well as getting well - through spirituality, therapy, mindfulness, plant medicine, yoga, learning and studying, and simply by living and experiencing my life fully, in all its glory as well as struggle. I learnt a lot about myself - some things I like and others not so much - and certainly developed a lot of acceptance and compassion for myself and my actions (especially past ones).
I learnt how be alone and came to enjoy it very much. I became more honest, transparent and direct about my feelings, my boundaries, fears and things I want and don’t want. I am certainly more authentic than ever before, without much fear that I won’t be accepted and loved for who I am. I came to realize that I never was much of a monogamous type, but that in the environment where I grew up, as well as with my conditioned mindset where I was not allowed to be who I am, the only alternative to it was lying and being deceitful, as a way of protecting myself. I learnt for myself that I don’t necessarily “need” to be with anyone, and that I would only be in a relationship if it complements and improves my life, but not because I can’t be alone. I came to realize that I enjoy being single, that I am choosing it consciously, and that there might be time in life when that will change. And that’s ok. Furthermore, the older I get it seems to me that I spent less and less time worrying about what others think of me and my choices, and I love this freedom so much. I am experiencing a certain level of a sexual freedom that I never could have imagined, while still being respectful and kind to others, without manipulating anyone and without playing games. I would have never dreamt that this would have happened to me. And I owe it all to my decision to get sober and take responsibility for my life. My relationships these days, no matter how long or short, are more honest, intimate and authentic. And, most of them teach me something new about myself. There are many parts left to heal, but overall, the more whole and integrated I become, the more shift happens everywhere around me. And for that I am grateful.
“I wish I could show you
When you are lonely or in darkness,
The astonishing light
Of your own Being! ~Hafiz”
Such a beautiful essay about my favorite topic!