Defining Moments in Life
... the hero's vs heroine's journey
… “Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life? ~ Mary Oliver, The Summer Day
In my Jungian coaching program this week we have been exploring our hero’s as well as heroine’s journey in life. We have been looking at our “one wild and precious” life and we’ve been curious about what it is that we have done with it till now. I have been diving deep into the things, places and people who influenced the course of my life. I have been investigating and reflecting upon the times in my life when I’ve felt challenged the most, as well as what mindset and skills I developed as a result of those challenges. Overall, I have been contemplating on the events - moments in life - that shaped me most in life, those events that shaped who I am today.
An American psychiatrist, Jungian analyst and author, Jean Shinoda Bolen, speaks of heroic versus heroinic journey. If you are familiar with Joseph Campbell’s concept of Hero’s Journey, then you know that the hero’s journey is a common narrative in which we set off to a (transformative) adventure, the destination we chose for ourselves - like going to a university to study to be a doctor, for example. But after that is done and completed, the question usually is "now what?”. New and unknown adventures are ahead of us at this point in life, but our psyche finds this to be rather scary and uncertain, sometimes even paralyzing.
Will you be able to take a good look at the situation you are in, a relationship you are in, a work that you are doing… and cut yourself off from it and separate, in case it is not working out anymore? In this wondering and unknown time, in this gap, an interval, a halfway position, a zone of “betweenness” - that is also called “liminal” space - there are often many possibilities for us. But, we may not know how to differentiate through them. How will we spend our energy now that we are pulled in so many directions? Where does our energy actually want to go? How and where do we spend our precious time?… This would be an example of a heroine’s journey - being stuck in the liminal space and not knowing where to go next. Sounds familiar? I personally feel like I spent the last 400 days in this space, and I am still in it for the most part…
Liminal times are probably best understood and described through these moments in life when things that we thought we knew where they were going all of a sudden change direction, and what was before is over now - it is no more. Suddenly things shift from something we considered to be “normal” to something completely different - more surreal, unexpected, impalpable, somewhat even mystical… And, naturally, we wonder - what am I supposed to do now?! These things, these moments, are usually related to relationships, locations, jobs… and they are always transformational and essential for our life journey. These are major shifts and we cannot go through life without them. None of us get to go through life without meeting them.
“Liminal comes from the latin word for threshold [as in the threshold of a doorway].
Whoever we participate in something that will change us, and change how others relate to us - that experience is a liminal one.
Whenever we are initiated into knowing something we did not know before on a body level, we cross a threshold. Here the mystical, spiritual, or psychic awareness of what is happening, determines its significance as a soul experience.”
~ Jean Shinoda Bolen, Close to the Bone
With a hope of accomplishing the task of finding three of these defining moments in my life, that encompass both my hero’s and heroine’s journeys, and that pretty much shaped who I am today, I couldn’t help but ask myself first “Who AM I today?”. And not from a perspective of how others see me and experience me, but rather from looking directly at myself from how I see me…
… adventurer
(wounded) healer
unpartnered woman
(self) seeker
sober woman
wise woman
an intellectual
(person) recovering
a dog mom
teacher
lifelong student
experienced human
curious wanderer
carer… just to mention a few.
So, what are the experiences that shaped me to be who I am today? And can I possibly choose three most defining ones? Just like for most of us - there are soooooo many important events and it’s very difficult to choose three that matter the most. I have lived through two bombings and one civil war, one of my closest friends committed suicide, many people came in and out of my life, I have travelled to the end of the world (literally) just to meet (in-person) a guy who I met online, I have been with a man for four years while he had a parallel life (and a relationship) for two of those four years, I became a citizen of another country and own two passports, I worked as an escort and a hostess and made money by drinking with men in order to pay my bills, I have been married and divorced (multiple times), I used to drink and drug and then I got sober, I have lost many friends to an addiction and overdose, I have lived and worked in retreat centers in various countries, I have changed careers many times, I have been through heartbreaks… and still counting… After a close exploration, some journaling and a tremendous help of my psychoanalyst, I have managed to make a narrow selection. You see, once you make a timeline of your life and start going through your life events in detail, you realize that although every thing that happened to you is important, not everything made an equal impact on your life’s journey. Some moments you may have recognized as important and used as teaching moments and others not. Similarly, you may have not yet realized the purpose of a certain situation in your life.
Moving on to my three defining moments…
At the age of 11, I already knew that I didn’t like what I see and what I hear in my family home. As a tight unit of 3 members, we were often unhealthy meshed, interdependent and I was the designated family member who - although the youngest one - embraced the role of a middleman and one that brings my parents together. They made a point, on multiple occasions, that they are staying together because of me. And that landed as a huge responsibility as well as a role of a mediator that I very early took on. During that time, I was the “ugly duckling” (at least that is how I perceived myself) - and was desperately looking for “my flock” and a place to belong, and I needed things to change. Home didn’t feel like a place where I would find that belonging and the place where I can be me. I found it in a school “gang” made up of “cool” girls and boys - I had a “boyfriend” at 11 (and a different one at 12), I was drinking, smoking, and engaged in various delinquent activities, including stealing and vandalism. I was surrounded by (much older) junkies, was hanging out at other people’s homes while their parents were at work, as well as the schoolyard of a neighborhood arts high school. This was my escape. I wanted to be away from my parents, from my house, and in a place where I (as I thought so) belonged. Notably, even though I was still so young, I managed to lead two independent lives and live through two very opposing roles. One was for my parents’ benefit - where I was still an excellent student and seemingly a “good” kid. And, the second one - although in a rough and often unsafe environment - was the one where my child self would hide and feel comfortable and at home. I was very successful in maintaining both of these lives.
I am well aware that I probably speak on behalf of all the humans when I say that I am shaped by my parents, my childhood, and the ways I was brought up - but there is no other part of my childhood that I remember so distinctly and that I can point out how it influenced me even to this day. This milestone, however, directly shaped up the way I show up in the world, the way I relate to others and myself, my addiction, my protective mechanisms, a sense of not belonging, a challenge of not being able to commit to an intimate relationship and maintain a healthy one, as well as the choice of my profession and my purpose in life - to get to know myself better, become an integrated human being and be there for those who are aspiring to do the same.
When I was 27 years old, I moved to the US and broke free. This was a hero’s journey - I set off to experience a new country, to live my life far away from anyone and anything I knew before, and to find the way back to myself; to my true home. If I am being completely honest - graduate school was just a means to an end, that was the easiest (and possibly, the only) way at the time - for a person from Serbia - to enter and stay in the US. I was never enamored of America, never chasing the American dream. I didn’t move there so I can get some high-paid job, work insane hours, make a lot of money, buy a home and have a family, or return to Serbia with money and settle there. It was simply an opportunity to get a life that I would have never gotten otherwise. I knew that the US would offer me a new experience; experience I could have never dreamed of. I have received higher education, met some incredible people on the way, was blessed with some invaluable teachers who changed my life forever, changed many different career paths until I found out what it is I really want to be doing, lived in many places in US, I received a gift of recovery through numerous supportive communities, and became a citizen of this country, which, then, allowed me to be able to travel around the world and live in variety of different places and beautiful communities. If you ask me - this is pretty life changing opportunity, an event in life that certainly shaped me the way I am today!
And finally, the third milestone - getting sober at the age of 35. Luckily, I lived in LA at the time - a city with over 3000 recovery meetings in a week! I had all the support I needed. And trust me, I was needy! Sobriety meant a spiritual rebirth for me, a second chance in life. I was changed forever, practically converted. Those who have never met me at the time when I was drinking and drugging cannot imagine me in that light. Others, who remember me from that period, sometimes cannot believe the change and are afraid of it, and other times are very much inspired by it. Recovery itself brought a whole new perspective for me - a new lifestyle, new habits, interests, passions, values… New people were arriving into my life, I have met my teachers, I was open for change and patient with my emotions and mental afflictions, and, above all, I have developed so much more understanding, compassion and forgiveness for myself and my mistakes in life. Eventually, I have developed deep interest and passion in this specific area so much that it inspired all my education endeavors moving on as well as my future work. I certainly wouldn’t be here right now, writing this essay, working trough the Jungian coaching course if I wasn't sober.
“In the universe, there are things that are known, and things that are unknown, and in between them, there are doors.” ~ William Blake
I spoke of the concept of individuation here before. It is a Jungian term that explains why we are here for - to become what we need to be, to grow. In words of Jean Shonida Bolen, we are here “to experience being a human being through responding to what happens to us”. Many things will happen to us in the course of our lives - some we’ll choose and others not so much. Many we won’t like. And, while we are young(er), we can whine about it and complain and be dissatisfied and disappointed… But, if we are lucky enough to reach the old(er) age, we simply cannot be whining anymore. We can’t be complaining about those things that happened or didn’t happen to us, things that we got and those we did not get, opportunities we jumped at and those we’ve somehow missed… We’re meant to whine earlier in life and then move into the older age with more forgiveness towards ourselves and free from shame and regret. As Jean Shonida Bolen says, “whining comes when we think that we are the only one who suffers”. And that is just not true.
So… what needs to change? Look at yourself from how you see yourself…
