embarking on the journey of becoming a sage
“This is your body, your greatest gift, pregnant with wisdom you do not hear, grief you thought was forgotten, and joy you have never known.” ~ Marion Woodman, Coming Home to Myself
For a little over a month I have been noticing occasionally this new sensation in my body. It is like a heat wave that shows up every 2-3 days, goes on for about a minute and then disappears. It feels as if my lungs and chest are on fire, then the burning moves up to my head, creates a hot pressure in it, and the tiny drops of sweat appear above my upper lip. My heart beats faster, too. And, then, it’s gone. Like it was never here. Sometimes it also shows up in the middle of the night. It took me a month to finally realize what this is - the first actual and reliable sign of perimenopause - hot flashes.
Initially, it felt like a slap in the face - almost like an insult of a kind. How dare this thing knocking on my door?! Sometimes I tend to forget my age and often I don’t really have a conscious relationship with it. But, my body is changing. It’s only natural and expected. And, yet, somehow I thought this phase of life isn’t coming just yet. Briefly, I was in shock, but very soon moved into an awe by this powerful and grand transition that is slowly taking place. It dawned on me - I am stepping on a journey of becoming who I have always aspired to be - a wise (older) woman.
A friend and my peer from the Jungian coaching program mentioned the other day that she has a new word that she is impatient to replace with the word crone - a “sage”. What does it mean to become a sage? It means retrieving those parts of ourselves that we disconnected with and banished; it means continuing one’s emotional growth; it means gathering the lessons and wisdom from our stories, and sharing that knowledge and wisdom abundantly and happily with others; it means accepting intellectually and emotionally the reality of our own personal death; it means exploring how we have lived our lives, and finding meaning and acceptance in it. Additionally, aging offers us a precious opportunity to discover more and deeper our inner nature - our shadow - as well as the deep level of our psyche that makes a collective unconscious, and to incorporate and integrate them all into who we are.
For a woman, becoming a sage also means meeting and learning what to do with the Dark Feminine archetype - a witch energy. This energy, if not worked with, expresses itself in a form of sarcasm, unfair criticism, hurtfulness, tantrums, whininess, ill-temperedness and shrewishness. Dark Feminine also emerges through anger, usually over losses (especially of youth) and getting older. For those women who try to avoid this part of themselves, they often lose their vital energy, they become ghosts of the selves they once were. If we meet these dark and deep aspects of ourselves, we can find numerous benefits - great source of energy and creativity.
There is also a discovery of the Good Mother archetype - becoming skilled at mothering ourselves, with both setting limits and being imperfect, as well as loving and nurturing. Good enough mothering also includes the ability to contain - a mother must be able to contain the tension of a child’s anger or frustration without falling into the traps of either pretending that nothing is happening or acting out her own frustration. She also must be able to say to her inner child “No!”, as well as helping it go through what is going on. As we age, meaning and satisfaction must come from within us, and the internal Good Mother helps us with this aspect.
“The internal Good Mother understands about caring and about limits, and it is from her that we are able to learn balance. She also promises us spiritual nourishment but requires that we do the necessary work to gain what we need. This is internal work and involves withdrawing energy from external goals and following our emotions to their internal source.” ~ Ann G. Thomas, The Women We Become, pg. 223
Finally, another task necessary as women age involves developing a conscious connection with a masculine archetype - animus or “man within” - our own inner masculine nature. This energy accounts for a large aspect of who we are and it is a reservoir of strength and skill. Masculine, or yang energy, is active, ordering, rational; whereas the feminine energy, or yin, is passive, chaotic and non-rational. These are not exclusive property of one sex or the other - they are both present in all genders. However, we see the rigidity of masculine energy in women as rigidity in behavior, bitterness and vengefulness, instead of self-assurance and acceptance if she does not integrate her animus. A harmonious union between our feminine and masculine sides is much needed in order to create our own wholeness.
A sage is a woman who has done the deep internal work to help guard herself from disappointment and discontent. A woman who has reached a level of self-contentment and security that comes when life has been accepted for what it is rather than what we want it to be. In order to reach this state, a woman must go through one of the most important transitions in life - menopause.
“At a time when more of us live past menopause into old age, where are the wise old women? Ironically, few are there to serve as our guides. Although more and more of us are beginning to understand that old age is also a strange new land for which we need guides, we live in a culture that places little value on becoming old… Many old women have not become wise because they believe what the culture has taught. They see no value in their own old age. They accept the idea that their technologically illiterate generation has little of value to contribute, and they move away from us into retirement villages or nursing homes, unavailable. These elders take with them whatever wisdom they have gleaned… ” ~ Ann G. Thomas, The Women We Become
Almost every single woman I know experiences fear and insecurity when it comes to menopause, and aging in general. They share that they are afraid of raging hormones and emotional meltdowns, their bodies changing, gaining weight, aging lines that are slowly becoming more and more obvious... They share that they are afraid of losing their youth, vitality, and their libido. These women expect and assume that the menopause will be an unpleasant experience to say the least - if not excruciating struggle - and they are unable to appreciate the beauty of a life phase that comes after it. They seem to be approaching this stage of life as the end of life as they know it - a (little) death in a way. As if this phase has no depth, no meaning, no purpose. In its core, this is our fear of death. And, naturally, I personally carry some of these fears inside of myself as well, if for no other reason than for the collective unconscious that works through me. However, I deeply desire to break free from this mindset and embrace as much as possible the changes that are about to happen. I have always wanted to be older than my calendar age, anyways. I wanted to be a grown, wise, grey-haired woman since I can remember.
Sadly, our society doesn’t educate us properly on this stage of life, let alone celebrate this significant milestone. Where I come from, women who are in their second half of life, who have entered the phase of menopause (even perimenopause) are either completely invisible or considered “hormonal and crazy”. The word in Serbian language often used instead of menopause, is “klimaks” - it literally means climax. The word “climax” can be defined as the most dramatic moment, and not necessarily in a positive way. It also means the most memorable moment, a highlight of a kind - but no one considers it to be that when it comes to menopause. For the most part, a woman who has reached her “climax” is slowly becoming forgotten, useless and old. Unless a society has respect for the elderly and aging process, and celebrates wisdom and knowledge, she is out there waiting to die. This is common for so many cultures, unfortunately; and the reason why many western societies choose to promote all the possible ways for women to stay young, look younger, and prevent the natural aging process.
As Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in her book The Joyous Body, beautifully articulated: “Culture will steal you from yourself every day.” The needs of our body change daily, and there is no one size fits all rule that applies to it. The body feels and signals us when it changes. Our body is our consort, our beloved companion. Its vision is good; it’s not demonic. We need to learn how to listen and love this companion. We also need to learn to be as we are. Not as others want us to be.
Pinkola Estes also talks about the theft of the body that happens in our society. She says that the theft of the body for many women happens just like trapping of the mouse with a mouse trap happens. It happens, first, because we are lured by an idea, the one we are essentially wired for - idea to be appreciated and included. This idea is nicely wrapped up by society into the package of how we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to look like, what the secrets of belonging and being included are, and what the qualities we should be appreciated for are. If it wasn’t for that shiny, tasty thing, that nicely wrapped up package, we would have just been as we are. Wouldn’t we?! But, because of this trap, we do everything we can to stop the aging process, to stay young, youthful, to not change - essentially, to not die. Not caring for the body is also a mouse trap. An absence of the mouse trap is that we need to care of the health and fitness of our body. That’s all. There is no trap in this. There is love, and care, and appreciation. “The social goal is attained only at the cost of a diminution of personality”, wrote Carl Jung.
We seem to forget that configuration isn’t everything. It does account for something, but not all of it. How many of us tried to look different… And how many times have we tried… It didn’t last long. It simply doesn't feel right. In this process of trying to be someone else, our own self goes missing eventually. We need to find our own way in how we are with our own body. Something that suits us and fits us perfectly. We need to find our way back home.
What psychologists, religious leaders, and ancient storytellers from the days of the oral traditions all have understood is that while cultures, societies, and times may change, the inner nature of humans, along with the nature of the universe itself, remains constant. Those who are to reach wisdom and peace, the mega-goal of age, must venture on an internal heroine’s or hero’s journey” ~ Ann G. Thomas, The Women We Become
The way girls are exposed and vulnerable to the toxic information around them is worse than ever before. When a girl/young woman is connected to the serenity and presence of her body - to the balance - she knows and recognizes her intuition and knows what is good for her. This will be the case when she has the mind of her own and when she can say “no” to things. But that is not the case with girls and young women today - not even with mature women. We do not receive this teaching throughout childhood and socialization - wisdom of the body is deeply missing. Same is with sexuality. We are influenced by what is around us, by what we are exposed to. We know when things don’t feel right and we need to start advocating for ourselves. This is allowing us freedom from the demands and expectations that don’t serve us, but rather, hurt us. We can say no and impose our boundaries, and in this way making space for our own needs and creative impulses. We need to find our own way through important life transitions, we need to access our bonding and asserting qualities, as we ourselves have what it takes to live out our necessary design and grow as fully as possible into that person we were destined to become.
Finally, what plays a significant role in women finding their own path into menopause and old age is discovering the meaning of our lives. We need to know the way to find significance of our lives. As we grow older, we may experience a need to heal all that which needs healing. As we grow older, we also experience the importance of finding our own significance. Finding the self and the meaning of our lives is a long process and can present us both with difficulties as well as opportunities. In this process we may make the wrong decisions. We may want to take shortcuts and rush this process, only to soon realize that this only created new difficulties. There are no shortcuts. There are many ways to become a wise old woman - a sage - but for each of us there is always one truth, our own truth, about who we are. No two women walk the same path. And all of us are here with enough knowledge to begin our journey.
Ode to Menopause
“The stream of my womanhood flows through me
tugged by tides, moons, the seasons and the stars
I am awed by its power, felled by its demands
forced to acknowledge a sovereignty I conveniently ignored
My body speaks its memories, in pain, in joy
it tolls my years in secret calendar, calling from its cells
from bone, gland and organ, from most clandestine recess
belittling my ignorance of its language
my body winds its clocks
they pulse in the night in the rain’s respite
when the birds are still
in the small, clear hours before the dawning
I am delivered to the cliff-face of my mortality
and death herself brushes me with soft wings
reminding me that the angelic, the soul, the mind are but a part
and my clay pulls towards it’s enduring earth
and now I take count of my days, and reckon their worth
for their tally is not infinite after all
and I mourn those creations
stillborn within my womb, never to sniff sunlight
I mourn those acts my body never can fulfill
for the clocks have ticked too loud
frailty has proscribed its fences, set signposts on my path
This time is truly a time for pause
for contemplation, meditation, inward turning
for numbering the grains
considering their harvest and wishing their bounty
be still and listen sings my body,
take care, step slow and gentle on the earth, forgive now
for life has limit and ending and boundary stone
and soon, you will sleep sweet in the dust
And I wonder if I have left footprints in the sand
scratches on the rock
If my works will be marked in lives given and lives changed in deeds remembered
and whether I’ve made meaning, collaborated with god and the angels
for if not, the tocsin cries and reveille is sounded
I must wake, catch time, now, quickly, by her passing tails.
But I know transformation has been wrought on me
and the lines on my face and my body’s aging
have been most dearly bought
wise woman, crone, elder of the people, is come to being
birthed by young, touched by time’s magic
It is not too late
not too late, not too late at all.”
Shoshana Kobrin, Poem 91, 3/12/95
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Until we meet again,
Marina
Thank you for writing this, Marina - more exploration and honest, heart-sourced conversation on this next phase feels deeply needed. And I love the word sage here!