entering into the silence of recovery
“This human birth is precious, our opportunity to awaken.
This body is impermanent, and time of death uncertain.
Self created karma, shapes the course of life.
Life brings inevitable difficulty.
No one can control it all.
This life we must know as a tiny splash of a raindrop, a thing of beauty that disappears even as it comes into being.
Therefore I recall my inspiration and aspiration and resolve to make use of every day and night, to realize it.”
~ The 4 Reminders, as taught by Vimalasara
It’s been a while since I have done a meditation retreat - probably about two years. I used to go to silent retreats much more often in the past, and I was very much overdue at this point. Finally, this past weekend I drove to Big Bear to attend one. The retreat was at my old work place - the Big Bear Retreat Center - and it was taught by the two of my favorite teachers in the space of Buddhist recovery - Vimalasara (Valerie Mason-John) and Kevin Griffin. The only downside of this retreat was the fact that it was too short. As every fruitful retreat, this one offered just what I needed to experience and created just enough challenges for the useful teachings to be received and integrated.
For those of you who don’t have much experience with meditation retreats - we never really ask one if their retreat was “good” or “bad” since there is no such thing. Mostly what we experience on a retreat is a lot of discomfort - either physical pain from sitting or disruptive and difficult emotional and mental activity - but this does not mean that the retreat was “bad”. On the flip side, just because we are, most often, in the nature or very rural area, we are well fed and taken care of by others, and our phones and laptops are turned off does not mean that we spent time on a vacation and that the retreat was “good”. Usually most of us would use a word like “fruitful” for example - showing that the retreat did what the retreat is supposed to do - planted seeds, brought insights, stirred up things inside of us, took us out of our comfort zone, etc. I personally like to say before one goes into a retreat: “May the retreat bring you what you need.” Needless to say, this was exactly my personal intention for this retreat. I haven’t been silent for some time, and although I have been doing very well lately, I haven’t been still; I haven’t really paused, stopped.
As the four reminders tell us, it is very special and rare to be born as a human, according to Buddhism. It is even more rare, and quite special, to discover Dharma - the teachings of the Buddha - during one’s lifetime. Additionally, when you consider that everything is life is temporary - impermanent - and will cease at some point; that we have absolutely no idea when we will die - but we for sure know that we will; that life will certainly bring us pain and suffering; and that the law of karma - the law of the cause and effect - will determine the course of our lives (even if we may not believe in the law of karma) - it should matter to all us how we live our life. It should matter what kind of seeds we get to plant; what kind of thoughts, words and actions we feed our body and mind with; and how we spend our precious time. I personally consider these reminders to be somewhat of guidelines for quality and wholesome living. If, however, Buddhism isn’t your cup of tea, you may find a different philosophy or a spiritual movement which offers this perspective to you.
Naturally, it would only make sense to contemplate on these reminders daily, and not only in special life situations. Daily spiritual practice - no matter what it consists of - is important for all of us. Retreats offer an intense, somewhat condensed practice period - I like to call them “meditation on steroids” - but they are in no way considered to be a replacement for our daily practice. It is a general opinion that daily sitting practice - even for only 10 minutes - is more useful than sitting for one hour once a week. However, retreats can certainly help us go deeper. They offer a special setting, one that is conducive to stillness and mindfulness practices. They also offer a great deep insight into our habitual ways of thinking and doing things - they are a great self-discovery tool. Additionally, they are done in a group, which makes it easier for people to show up and practice. Finally, when it is a recovery retreat, retreatants are amongst their own tribe, people who understand them and can emphasize with them - it is somehow easier to open up, be vulnerable and show up. And this is crucial - the power of community, fellowship.
Buddhist teaching that is useful, especially in a retreat, is really the essence of Buddhism, in a way - and this is the practice of letting go, of surrender, and acceptance (I am very much simplifying the teachings here, just to be clear). What goes hand in hand with it, is understanding of impermanence and really accepting that things change constantly; that they arise and cease; and that everything will eventually pass. Knowing these things - not only intellectually but also embodying them - is very important in order to have a fruitful retreat experience. Buddha taught us about the importance of letting the senses be sensed, letting the thoughts be thought, letting the feelings be felt, and learning to accept what is, resist to control and manipulate and fix things constantly, and letting things be. In a nutshell, this is what we practice in a meditation retreat. We sit, breathe and observe what happens in our minds, hearts and bodies. And, if you have body pains and aches - well, you sit some more. If you haven’t slept enough, you accept that that moment has passed and it is gone - you are in the new moment now and the only thing to do now, is be here now. You don’t have to do anything, you don’t need to work or produce or perform… You just need to do the next thing that you are instructed to do by the teachers - be it a sitting or walking or eating meditation. Sounds pretty simple, right?! It is simple. But, it’s not easy.
There is one other Buddhist teaching critical for our practice - especially for the practice while we are on a retreat - this is the teaching about the five hindrances. Five hindrances are mental afflictions, states of mind that disrupt our serenity - these are: sensual desire (craving), ill-will (aversion), sloth and torpor (mental or physical lack of energy and effort), restlessness and worry (too much of energy and agitation), and doubt. These are the obstacles that we experience during meditation/mindfulness practice. We are all humans and therefore, all of us experience these. There may be one that we experience more often than others, but overall, if Buddha himself experienced ill-will during his practice, most probably you’ll experience it as well. Again, we are simply invited to observe these; to be with them and get to know them; and hopefully to let the urge pass on its own - cause that is what happens if we allow a few minutes without intervening. The problem is, most of us react right away. Retreats serve as a great opportunity to practice this, as well. As recovering addicts, we should learn to be aware of these mental states, as they often and easily can disturb our peace of mind and take us down the spiral. Doubt is especially critical, as it can easily make us slip or even relapse.
We arrived to the center on Thursday afternoon. After the registration process, we had a bit of time to relax and then the program started - orientation walk and the land acknowledgment, followed by the dinner and yogi jobs training, and the retreat opening ceremony. Late nights are a normal (and expected) thing at retreats. Only to be followed by early mornings (as early as 3.30 AM at some retreats!).
As I went to bed that night, I started experiencing an excruciating pain in the area of my right breast, armpit, collarbone and lungs. I could not precisely locate the sensation, but it was covering this whole area. Each time I would breathe in, I would feel an intense pinching pain and start coughing. It would get worse if I lay on my back. My first thought was that something was wrong with my back - that I hurt it somehow while driving or by making a wrong movement - then I thought that maybe high altitude is affecting my lungs as they have been sensitive, only to spiral into the dark thoughts of having a heart attack and potentially even dying that night. Interestingly, though, dying while in a meditation retreat would be a great way to go for me personally. I haven’t slept much that night, I turned around, grunted, cried, cursed (more like quietly since we were in noble silence and I was sharing the cabin with other two people), and was restless and irritable. The morning was miserable. And, yet, I got up and showed up at the 6.30 AM sit.
All day I struggled with pain, cough, irritability and resistance. I could not think of anything else, I could hardly concentrate on my breath, and all I could think of was pain… pain… pain… When I went to bed that night, pain was even more intense. Needless to say, I haven’t slept, yet again. This time, however, something sifted in my relationship to my circumstances. I managed to slowly relax into the sensation more. I was focusing on my breath and making sure that it is smooth and even. I was more calm and still, and breathing wasn't as difficult as the previous night. Overall, I was more in peace and acceptance with it all. I wasn’t afraid, I wasn't worrying and creating stories about it, I wasn’t trying to fix it or resist it, and most importantly I wasn’t upset about it - I just laid there, just being. When I woke up the next day, the sensation was still there but its quality and intensity shifted. It changed. It was less pinching. There was more space in that area of the body. I moved with more ease. There was calm and peace and even sweetness. I relaxed more in my practice that day, enjoyed the sitting periods, tasted my food more, and had fresh insights. That night I slept like a baby. I don’t think I moved once. The next day I woke up without any pain. It was the last morning of the retreat.
This experience, as common and mundane as it may sound, is a metaphor for my life (I think most addicts will identify with it). Whenever something unexpected, unpleasant, uncomfortable or painful happens in life, my default response is to tense up, become upset, irritable, annoyed; I fall into a downward spiral and follow the fatalistic narrative; a series of difficult emotions and thoughts line up making the whole experience much worse than it is; I resist it, get ready to jump in and fix it, change it, manipulate it… This is the very first response - almost always. Then, slowly, I start pausing, relaxing, softening, allowing, breathing, creating more space… I become more curious, compassionate, kind and warm towards myself and my experience - only to eventually shift my relationship to that experience completely, and all of a sudden it all turns into a very different reality. This is the heart of equanimity - an important Buddhist concept, and one of the essential practices. It is not about our experience; it is about our relationship to it. No matter what the experience is. And only ourselves can do this work - no one can do it instead of us, and it will certainly not be done on its own. As Bob Marley beautifully tells us: “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds.”
“ I undertake to abstain from harming life. With deeds of loving kindness, I purify my body.
I undertake to abstain from taking the not-given. With open-handed generosity, I purify my body.
I undertake to abstain from sexual misconduct. With stillness, simplicity and contentment, I purify my body.
I undertake to abstain from false speech. With truthful communication, I purify my speech.
I undertake to abstain from taking intoxicants. With mindfulness clear and radiant, I purify my mind.”
~ The Five Precepts, as taught by Vimalasara
What becomes really obvious in a retreat, when we spend extended period of time in silence and alone with our own minds, is that we create our reality. I don’t mean to say that life doesn’t sometimes happen and brings us various experiences, from which some can be extremely difficult and challenging. I mean, the Buddha himself had to face the suffering in his life, just like we need to. That is true. However, what we do with those experiences - how we approach them, work with them - can certainly create extra suffering in life and a hell in our own mind. Heaven and hell are not to be found outside of us - they are in our own mind. And we walk through these every day. Some of the life events are caused by our past lives. Some are caused by the way we live our lives today. Regardless - our actions have consequences. We see that in our bodies, our hearts and our minds. We see it in relationships with others. We see it in the world around us.
For addicts, often it is way too hard to step on this recovery journey. It is so difficult to stop, take a look at oneself, take even a deeper look, learn new ways of being and living, and practice, practice, practice… We have to see the suffering through first, we have to acknowledge that we are suffering, that what we do isn’t working, decide that we want to change, and that maybe realize the truth. Practice helps us to come to a place of stillness, peace and acceptance. If you are struggling at the moment regardless of your sobriety time, maybe the questions bellow can help you in realizing what needs to change…
What is the desire your addiction is trying to satisfy?
What are you clinging to?
What if there is no problem to be solved?
I have quoted the Five Precepts earlier. These can be seen and understood as the training principles that help us train our minds. They are the foundation of the ethics and can be a useful tool for anyone, not for addicts exclusively. The interpretation of the five precepts varies, and we individually can decide how strictly, or not, we wish to observe them. You don’t need to be a Buddhist to consider these as your own moral compass. For me personally, these served as a protection, a refuge. When I first got sober in 2014, I went to a Buddhist retreat and have taken these precepts. They have been in my life since. Have I been perfect in keeping them? No. But, I have never lost my faith in their meaning and importance. Big part of the Buddhist practice is to learn compassion and kindness not only for others, but for ourselves. And, so we have to be kind, and patient, and compassionate with ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves for our past actions, and be able to learn from them and move on. But, we also need to be persistent and dedicated. And, put in the effort - daily. And, I promise you, it pays off. Something shifts; and changes.
“May all places be held sacred.
May all beings be cherished.
May all injustices of oppression and devaluation be fully righted, remedied and healed.
May all wounds to forests, rivers, deserts, oceans, all wounds to Mother Earth be lovingly restored to bountiful health.
May all beings everywhere delight in whale song, bird song and blue sky.
May all beings abide in peace and well being, awaken and be free.”
~ Dedication of Merit, as taught by Vimalasara
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Until we meet again,
Marina
