fear of death
... as an invitation for living life more fully
“… Balance is at once life and death. For the completion of life a balance with death is fitting. If I accept death, then my tree greens, since dying increases life. If I plunge into the death encompassing the world, then my buds break open. How much our life needs death!” ~ Carl Jung
My uncle (on my father’s side) in Serbia has been sick. Doctors discovered a mass in his lungs, and after the surgery it turned out that the mass is malignant. During his post-surgical recovery at the hospital, he had a heart attack and as soon as he stabilized, he was moved to cardiovascular department. This week, he was supposed to have a stent inserted, only to have found out that his heart is not as strong as the doctors have hoped for, and he needs to have an open heart surgery and get a bypass instead. These events, and especially the uncertainty that comes with them, caused a lot of anxiety and fear for him, as well as my whole family. My father is older than his brother, and watching his baby brother suffer brings up a lot of fear around his own mortality and impermanence.
Aside from these personal events, today’s offering is also inspired by This Jungian Life podcast episode I have listened this past week. Fear of death is a significant part of human condition, and it is always there. Especially in situations where one has been facing a life threatening illness. Overall, as we age, death is closer and closer, and instead of avoiding this topic, we need to face it more consciously and with more awareness and acceptance.
I have noticed that in many people (including myself), this fear is actually fear of suffering, illness and declining health, chronic and excruciating pain, severe injury, and even dissipation of physical beauty and attractiveness, our capacity to do things, and so on. Often, many of these fears have been passed under a concept of fear of death, but they differ. As a matter of fact, people more often have a fear of illness and chronic pain, than a fear of the idea of death; idea of termination, the “cessation of me”.
This idea that what will undeniably happen to all of us (including me and you) at some point, that I will not have any control over, can be overwhelming for most. According to many people that I know, as well as many clients I have worked with, their extreme fear of death might be even the biggest anxiety in their life. This fear of not existing, terminating, finishing, ending… the fear of a complete loss of control, fear of void - it is an existential fear of non-existence. What is it like when I don’t exist anymore, when I am not here? Am I going to be aware of that void? Will all that is me be gone? And many more questions…
When the death of a loved one comes, we all most likely respond with tremendous sorrow and grief. Often, even with denial and inability to accept the reality of things. Granted, when the death comes to someone “old and mature enough”, where the soul and the body are even longing for this release and peaceful transition, it is quite different than when it comes in a kind of unexpected way when we haven’t prepared for it and said our goodbyes, or when it comes way too early in one’s young age. Hopefully, when it comes, we are ready to leave, since we maybe no longer can endure being in pain, or maybe because all of our dear ones are already gone. In this case of the end of life experience, we might be ready for departure. Otherwise, most likely, we are not. It may simply be a “wrong time” for death to come, it can feel wrong. It could even be seen as trauma - when parents lose their child, or when a parent dies when a child is very young, for example. Fear of death is certainly the kind of a fear that can often paralyze us.
In our modern culture, love and death are often seen as oppositions. Much of our life and our own attempts is about orienting towards zest for life, for love, even hedonism. And, the death instinct is mostly driven by disappearance, parting, and termination. Loss of a beloved person, and being abandoned in a way - either by a precious pet, friend, or parents - this becomes first experience of death. What do we do when something that we need is absent, especially when we are very young. Some of these losses we simply can’t come to accept. We have a reality that we will die, it is undeniable, we see it happen around us. But, we don’t know what happens when we cease to be - will we be absent from ourselves?
“We are so convinced that death is simply the end of the process that it does not ordinarily occur to us to conceive of death as a goal and a fulfillment… It would seem to be more in accord with the collective psyche of humanity to regard death as the fulfillment of life’s meaning and as its goal in the truest sense, instead of a meaningless cessation.” ~ Carl Jung
We often think of death as a loss of consciousness, loss of awareness. Some psychotherapists talk about the fantasy of suicide that they have noticed in their clients - where there is a need of going back to “the mother”. In depression, people often yearn for this state where nothing is required, not even breathing, eating, bathing, being. There are no decisions to be made. Everything around is safe and easy. It is a kind of memory of being in a womb - when we are in it as a fetus, we don’t consciously do any of these things. Mother’s body provides for us. Dying may be like going back into the womb. Returning to the mother (earth). There is some kind of return for sure, there is a cycle.
People who had a near death experience speak of these experiences. They seem to have very different orientation and attitude to life because of it. For the rest of us, who didn’t have that experience, there is no promise that we don’t need to fear death anymore. For those who already died, that experience was an initiation of a kind - a preparation for death - and it showed them that there is no need to fear it. My most similar experience to this one, was the psychedelic journey with the most powerful medicine - Bufo Alvarius. Psychedelics are known to often diminish the fear of death. Extending or going beyond the personal or individual, beyond the Ego itself, can heal the fear of death and help us disconnect with the neurosis and debilitating fear of death, but also with the depression and desire to die. Prior to undergoing this experience, I have struggled with depression and a sense of meaninglessness for a while. I also felt a certain rigidity and stiffness, and couldn’t really let go of control in most life situations. I won’t be going into the details of the experience, but I will say that, during the journey, I have died. And when I say this, I don’t mean my heart stopped; I mean I had a deep and clear knowing that I was dead, that I let go of fighting, and that my body dissolved with the whole universe and became one, beyond Ego, beyond separation - just being. It was an intense experience, I won’t lie. However, when I came back from it and became conscious, something clicked, something shifted - I didn’t have that desire to not be here anymore, to die, to disappear, but I also felt that when my time to transition comes, I will be ok and ready for that. Naturally, we’ll see what happens when my time comes ;)
The thing is, we can work around the fear of death in many different ways, but we will still be in uncertainty around it. Death itself is inevitable, and we surely don’t know when we will die and what happens after we die. This brings me to the next, even more significant topic than fear of death - and that is being alive, living. Being alive is way more important than living in a fear of death. We concluded that death is inevitable. The only meaningful thing to do, then, is to get busy living.
“Natural life is the nourishing soil of the soul. Anyone who fails to go along with life remains suspended, stiff and rigid in midair. That is why so many people get wooden in old age. They look back and cling to the past with the secret fear of death in their hearts. They withdraw from the life process, at least psychologically, and, consequently, remain fixed - like nostalgic pillars of salt; with vivid recollections of youth but no living relation to the present. From the middle of life onward, only he remains vitally alive who is ready to die with life. For in the secret hour of life's midday the parabola is reversed, death is born. The second half of life does not signify ascent, unfolding, increase, exuberance, but death, since the end is its goal. The negation of life's fulfilment is synonymous with the refusal to accept its ending. Both mean not wanting to live, and not wanting to live is identical with not wanting to die. Waxing and waning make one curve.” ~ Carl Jung
The truth is, when we are avoiding death, we are also avoiding life. The more we fear death, the more we are unable to let go, accept life the way it is, and enjoy even the smallest moments of it. By embracing death more, we are embracing life as well. As Jung writes: “Joy at the smallest things comes to you only when you have accepted death. But if you look out greedily, for all that you could still live, then nothing is great enough for your pleasure, and the smallest things that continue to surround you are no longer a joy.”
When we resist the inevitable dissolving process of death, we get into the stiffness. I am observing so much resistance to dissolving in old age, through my family members and my clients as well. There is often this notion of being “too old for changing.” Death is a great dissolving, but there are other opportunities in life for it, as well. And in refusing them, we are also refusing to grow. And growth and change are what life is about, no matter how old we are. So by refusing growth and change, we are also refusing (the second half of) life. In Jung’s words: “Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose.”
In our society, there is a collective fear of death, so we don’t really have a direct experience with it. Sure, we might sit next to someone who we love dearly, as they are dying, but we still won’t talk about it, we don’t prepare for it, it is never a subject of conversation - quite the opposite, we assign it to “professionals” and put it in medical terms (similarly to how we treat giving birth, interestingly). Often, we don’t even want to see and touch the body of someone who is deceased. If we would see death more as a part of life, it would have probably been different. It helps us to have some kind of a belief about what happens during death and after death. In some (fortunate) cultures, these are described in much detail. But in our, modern, world, we are left with no story about what happens, and it is up to us to figure it out and make sense of it. Going into oneself through meditation or different spiritual practices, being interested in the way that we function inside of ourselves, examining our thoughts and processes through therapy and journaling - all of this can help us be both with suffering as well as attaining freedom within us.
If we really live, into ourselves and our potential, consciously, with self-awareness and reflection; then, when it’s time to pass on, we will have had all those experiences and will be less afraid. Because, when the death comes, often there is guilt and regret for not living fully. So, let’s embrace life. Since most of us don’t know what happens to our consciousness, maybe we just take that out of the question for now. And, I say “most of us don’t know what happens” because there are those who are certainly capable of disconnecting from their bodies and experience consciousness directly. I was lucky to sit on a bedside of one of these people in the past. It was one of my teachers. His body completely destroyed by the cancer, connected to numerous machines only to keep him breathing and his vitals stable, he was conscious enough to inform the doctors about the exact time when he wants the machines to be turned off (he wanted to wait for a few more fiends to come so he can say his goodbyes) - my teacher was able to be conscious of the the transition of his own death and speak of it for all of us there. That was his last teaching.
For the most of us, we know that the body is something that dies - we know that with absolute certainty. We know that it is borrowed, that we can’t keep it up permanently. And, for what comes after we pass, where (if anywhere) we transition to, that is an individual journey that each of us has to take. But, for now, let’s just live life fully. After all, that is the only thing we can do.
“… One needs death to be able to harvest the fruit. Without death, life would be meaningless, since the long-lasting rises again and denies its own meaning. To be, and to enjoy your being, you need death, and limitation enables you to fulfill your being.” ~ Carl Jung
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Stay safe. Marina
Fantastic!!! You combined a lot of great Jungian wisdom in this one. I’m glad TJL podcast inspired you. I am sorry about your uncles health challenges.
Thanks for putting this together friend!! I enjoyed reading it and it really made me realize that I am actually in a pretty good relation with death and thus; life!!! 🙏💪