fear of economic insecurity will leave us
will it, though? and, when???
“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.”
~ Wayne Dyer
I woke up in the middle of the night. At first, it felt like a regular bathroom call after which I can always go back to sleep easily, but soon after I got back to bed I realized it was much more than that. I couldn’t fall back to sleep for a very long time. I wasn’t turning and tossing so much - my body was able to be still more-less - but my mind… my mind was on a hamster wheel. No matter how hard I was trying to escape the repetitive compulsive thoughts, and to trick myself into falling asleep again, I would continuously end up in the same place.
How much money do you have on your checking account? What about the cash? What’s the balance on your credit card? Did the stocks start finally going up or are they still falling into the fucking abyss? How much would you pay the penalty if you were to take out the money from your IRA account now, as opposed to when you’re sixty-seven? Did you save all those receipts from the recent purchases so you can return the stuff that you bought? Wait, are you still within the thirty days of the return policy? Have you been spending a lot more than usual lately? Well, I moved to a new place, sooo… that’s to be expected. What are the upcoming charges for the next few weeks? How much is your phone bill, your utilities, car insurance (thank God the car is paid off!), the website charges, the upcoming course that you are taking? And, again, why are you taking that course? Do you really need to pay for the yoga classes? And what about the membership to the local public pool? You definitely don’t need the infra red sauna and cryotherapy (although it is a great deal, for real!)…
Do you feel me?? Can you relate?
WTAF!!!!!! My heart is racing, my thoughts are chasing each other, I am thirsty, my neck hurts, I cannot sleep, I am restless and I can’t find a comfortable position to be still, and I am trying everything that I have ever learnt in order to make this stop! And, nothing seems to be working…
“The key to abundance is meeting limiting circumstances with unlimited thoughts.” ~ Marianne Williamson
Finally, when it’s time to get up, I am I feeling groggy, sleepy, exhausted and grumpy. I take Mala for a walk, get ready to go to the pool for a water fitness class (yup, that’s what I have been doing these days - and let me tell you, at a risk of sounding like my grandmother - it is really good for your joints!) and I leave my house with the hope that water will magically distract me, wash me clean and remove all those negative obsessive thoughts. Nope. Didn’t happen. Actually, it did for one hour - which is how long the class was - and then it continued. I even had a few thoughts creeping in that were suggesting that I should try to soothe and calm myself down by going shopping and spending more money!?! (I hope you don’t always listen to what your mind tells you.)
Instead, I sat in the car, went back home and took Mala out for a walk again. I speak to a good friend while out and for a brief moment I manage to distract myself. Still - the heart is beating, I am sighing, taking long exhales through my mouth, I cannot think - and so I decide to take look at my finances as soon as I get home. And, so I do that (this is what often helps me calm down and rationalize the whole fear, and get the reassurance that I am OK, that I am safe, and that I am taken care of right now, in this moment). Here is where I finally start calming down slowly. But, I know this will come back again, at some point in the not-so-far future.
AA speaks of the importance of the twelve promises in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous; it says that those alcoholics/addicts who stay sober long enough will experience these promises in their life. The tenth promise states: “Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.” This was always a tough one for me. Fear of financial insecurity has never left my side. It would take a break from time to time and decide to take it easy on me, but soon enough it would come back - usually in a form of a debilitating anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt and feelings of self-pity. I have tried many different approaches in working with this issue, and realized that nothing works hundred per cent of the time, and nothing helped me put this fear completely behind me. So, I live with it; I am usually able to create some space for it, and I know myself well enough so that I can work with myself when this state comes along and attempts in taking over my life.
It’s mind boggling to me how I was able to accept so many things in life, let go of so many other, and let some of them be - through the spiritual teachings and practices, through hard work and persistence, and just life after getting sober - but my relationship with money, my beliefs around it, my fear of never having enough, of being in hardship - these still remain to be deeply looked at. Buddhism taught me a lot about impermanence and emptiness, and created a wonderful base for the mentality of acceptance, letting go, trusting, and finding refuge in spiritual teachings and principles, and yet, somehow, this one is still around. It just shows that I am a human too, and, as much as I (somewhat unconsciously) want to present myself in a more positive light since my work requires me to be able to hold space for my clients and their problems, I seem to be holding on so tight to this fear, to this identity, and I am not ready to let go fully. I wonder… What does it do for me?
“You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
Fear of economic insecurity is a real thing, I truly believe that. However, even more I believe that the greater role in all of this plays our (limiting) belief, the vicious cycle of toxic thoughts, as well as our mentality. Some of us are wired (through our life and early life experiences) in a way that almost forces us to see the world as scarcity, as not enough, as if we have to keep pushing and hustling and sometimes even walking over others in this process, and that, overall, we are not safe. For others, the world, and life overall, is about abundance, about having enough, about being safe and not needing to fight so much, resist so much, and be afraid so much. Often, and for a lot of us, we tend to swing between these two polarities.
I know personally that when I am in a state of balance and connection with myself and the world around me, I embrace the mentality of abundance - I trust that I have enough, I don’t doubt myself and my value, I trust that the things and opportunities will come my way, I share freely with others, I trust that the Universe provides through opportunities and other people, and I feel generally safe. When I feel off kilter, nevertheless, I am in a total panic mode - full of fear, anxiety, uncertainty, I am doubtful, not connected, unable to show up for myself, and certainly lacking capacity to trust that everything will be OK, and, more importantly, that everything IS OK RIGHT NOW, in this moment. I don’t have to make any decisions, I don’t need to fix my whole life, I don’t have to look for another job, I don’t have to cancel my yoga membership, and I certainly don’t have to panic and future trip about my life and what’s about to happen.
I am OK right now.
I am safe in this moment.
There is no immediate danger to myself and my livelihood.
I don’t have to make any decisions right now.
Everything is OK as it is, in this moment.
And so on… and so on…
And, then, I go to Facebook and see yet another post about someone passing. And, I simply can’t help but think how nothing really matters. Not in a sense of negating or minimizing my pain and my fears, but just realizing that all of this that I am experiencing right now isn’t going to kill me, it will pass, and things will be OK again. I get it - for most people - when you’re hungry and scared - basically barely surviving - you can’t really think about anything else; you can’t really see beyond your own struggle, let alone thinking of and considering thriving, self-realization and actualization. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (although limited and somewhat outdated) explains it well.
On the flip side, there are countries and cultures - many, many countries around the world, for that matter - where people’s basic needs have not been met regularly (or ever), and yet, they are somehow able to stay connected, to remain to be loving, to trust, to believe and stay open, to belong and to feel connected to others, to nature and to the Universe (God, greater consciousness, or whatever else you believe in). This just blows my mind, and teaches me humility and trust - every single day. It is like this now. I will be OK. I AM OK.
That’s all I have for today. I hope you can relate (or maybe you are completely above this, in which case I totally admire you), and I hope it gives you faith and aspiration in times when you are flooded by worry, fear, anxiety, distrust, doubt and disconnection.
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Stay safe.
A hui kaua (Until we meet again),
Marina
