forty-five going on nine
“Knowing oneself comes from attending with compassionate curiosity to what is happening within.”
I celebrated my forty-fifth birthday in my birthplace on June 27th. A few friends and family members gathered at a beautiful friend’s house by the Danube river - it was a lovely low-key afternoon. There were homemade treats; a tasty (and tastefully) catered spread made of tiny sandwiches, cups and quesadillas; some fruits and yummy raw deserts. My birthday cake was decorated with only one candle in shape of number one - that was all we found in my friend’s house as I forgot to get candles. This was so fitting, I realized later on, since I was celebrating first anniversary of my rebirth, and a beginning of a new life stage - midlife.
I often don’t celebrate my birthdays. There is no obvious reason for this - I am not avoiding them or anything - it simply depends on where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing in life. Sometimes, I would go on a silent meditation retreat for my birthday. Other times, I would be on a trip, exploring on my own. Mostly, I would find different (ceremonial) ways to celebrate. From time to time, I would gather people and officially celebrate by throwing a party or organizing a birthday dinner. This time, however, not everyone who was present was aware of what has been unfolding in my life; of my rebirth and its meaning. Therefore, not everyone was able to understand what I am actually celebrating - and due to its sensitivity I couldn't share it in front of those who were present; although this was what I was hoping for initially. At the same time, not everyone was open to hear about it. And, certainly not everyone I was hoping to be there was there.
I wanted a celebration of womanhood, femininity and transformation. A kind of a special occasion for celebrating sexual positivity and (r)evolution. Something with a meaningful, symbolic and touching ceremony. Something where individuation and finding one woman’s true self would be acknowledged and celebrated. I was hoping, deep inside, for all my dear women to come and celebrate this sweet special transformation with me, only to realize that most of them cannot make it. And, as soon as I became aware of the fact that most of them won’t be there, and that the “party” is actually acquiring a very different form - one that, although sweet and thoughtful, isn’t at all what I was hoping for, all my ships sank (as the saying goes). At that moment I lost all the motivation and excitement to make anything special out of this party, and I dropped into a passive and indifferent space. One with a mindset of “whatever happens, happens”. I didn’t really care anymore, and I just wanted it to be over.
“Compassionate curiosity directed toward the self leads to the truth of things.”
~ Dr. Gabor Mate
This whole thing shouldn't be such a big deal - you may think. Sure, intellectually, cognitively and with a clear reasoning - I agree with you, fully. Still, I cannot pretend that it didn’t provoke something inside of me; it certainly triggered some of my old stuff. I arrived to my own party feeling pretty anxious, stressed, detached and mildly dissociated. I was tired and unimpressed. As most of the guests have arrived, I started to feel a bit of panic and some embarrassment, as well. I was embarrassed to witness who showed up at my party and who didn’t - or, more precisely, how many people didn’t show up. I was embarrassed to realize that my own mother almost had more friends and women of her age gathered at my birthday party than myself. And I was also embarrassed to realize how I could even expect that just because I am back in town everyone else will drop what they are doing, change their plans, and show up for me.
I knew that this, in reality, was not what was going on. This was my mind, my thoughts, and my very personal narrative. I knew that these people love me and care for me. I knew that they were happy to be there. And, I also knew that those who couldn’t make it wished that they could. But I still felt a significant lacking and emptiness, as well as disappointment and resentment.
One part of me hopes that no one from that gathering gets to read this post. Another part of me wishes that they do - as it would reveal to them something very intimate and vulnerable about me that I can’t express to them in person - that I believe I can only be truly loved if I am fully known, seen and understood by the other. Writing helps very much, as I get to hear myself and my own thoughts. I wouldn’t want those people to think and feel that they don’t matter, that their efforts don’t count, or that I didn’t enjoy their company. In all reality I am still somewhat embarrassed about feeling this way and not being able to simply drop it and move on. However, situations like this, in our adult life, often trigger our old wounds and memories from (early) childhood. Like Dr, Gabor Mate nicely puts it: “What seems like a reaction to some present circumstance is, in fact, a reliving of past emotional experience.”
Being that I am a summer baby, I have always had trouble gathering friends for my birthday celebration. Since the elementary school, most of my friends would be out of town and vacationing already, and would end up not showing up at my birthday parties. There would be years that I would try and celebrate it earlier, but even then, kids would be preoccupied by school or getting ready for those family trips. Additionally, throughout my life I would often have thoughts that I am not enough, or that I am needy and too sensitive, and sometimes that I don’t matter… When I would became aware of these thoughts, I would also realize how uncomfortable they make me feel. In the past, I would drink over this and numb the pain. These days, I don’t have to do that. Nevertheless, I notice that they show up at times. In intimate relationships, I would believe that if I show you who I really am, and you see me, you might leave me. And this was completely unacceptable to me. So, I would come up in my head with some story about you, and I would leave you, instead. In friendships, I would often pretend that I am OK with everything, that I am easygoing and flexible, that I am always there for you and willing to receive you as a friend, and I wouldn’t make a big deal out of things. Somewhere in my mind I have internalized this belief that you won’t like me (or you won’t show up at my birthday) because - if I am being fully myself - I am not that great of a person, not that exciting or interesting - basically, not good enough. And so it was often expected that most of my friends don’t show up - because why would they? If you don’t raise your hopes up, you can’t get disappointed (if only).
So, here I was, once again - only decades later - without a loving community to celebrate my (re)birth with. I had, in my mind, this perfect picture of what this will look like, and the picture was shattered. Only this time I am a grown woman, in my mid forties. And, yet, it still somehow hurts. And, I feel empty and unimportant. It was like a missed opportunity to accomplish something great.
“We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created. Unwittingly, we write the story of our future from narratives based on the past… Mindful awareness can bring into consciousness those hidden, past-based perspectives so that they no longer frame our worldview.’ Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present…Until you reach that point, you are unconscious.’ …In present awareness we are liberated from the past.” ~ Dr. Gabor Mate
If we are creating the world - our own reality - with our minds (and I believe we do), then I don’t really like what I have been creating, nor I find it very useful. This hurtful and, above all, incorrect narrative in my head may have had its purpose and benefitted me in the past by protecting me from wrong boyfriends and lousy friends (although it is questionable if it did a good job at all), but at this point in my life it is useless and unnecessary, to say the least. It prevents me from living my life fully and enjoying people that are here, with me. It can be hurtful and can cause a separation from others and the world. It can be violent and abusive - primarily towards me. I see all this. I see the pattern, I see the underlying belief, and I see how it shows up in my adult life. And, still, often I need time to sit with it, analyze it, digest it properly, and then move on.
Well, let’s just say I am sitting with it now…
“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” ~ Carl Jung
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A hui kaua (Until we meet again),
Marina
Wow. This was very touching and honest.