“Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief." ~ Cicero
I moved to the US in 2006; I was twenty seven years old. With the exception of two and a half years in my early childhood when I lived in Africa, the rest of my life I spent in Serbia prior to the big move. Consequently, when I was moving away at twenty seven, I left many of my friendships behind. At the time, I was leaving for the graduate school and my parents wanted to believe that I will be back when I finish. I, however, deep down knew that I am leaving for much, much longer. Then, in 2018, I was moving again - this time from the US to Southeast Asia - and somewhat went through the same process where now I was leaving the US and all my friendships. Throughout these past eighteen years of moving around and living in different places most of my old friendships changed in their quality, as well as shape and form - some evolved, others shifted in their dynamics, and many ended. It took me a while to get used to this (very natural) process, after I have grieved over some of them. Friendships are vulnerable and sensitive; they require continuous effort from both sides; they need to be continually maintained. And, as we as individuals change and evolve, so do our relationships.
Fun fact - when I first moved away in 2006, each time I would come back to visit I would bring a full suitcase of gifts for literally every single (no matter how close) friend - small souvenir-type gifts, but nevertheless, gifts. Then, each following year, there would be less and less gifts. I thought it was interesting how accurately this resembled my friendship status. Not that I stopped caring for certain people, but they would simply not be on my mind so much since we would not keep in touch while I was away, and we would not see each other when I would come back to visit. Time passes, people change, life happens…
The amount of (old) friends was (and still has been) decreasing. At the same time, the amount of new friends has been continuously increasing - since I lead pretty nomadic lifestyle. Lately, I have been meeting more and more people who are very similar to me - in their lifestyles as well as interests - and these (new) friends are becoming people who intimately know this “new” version of me much better than my old friends who mostly remember the “old” Marina, and are able to pick up on changes in my life only through occasional chats and visits. It took me a while to accept this shift without being overwhelmed by sadness and disappointment, and see it as a natural thing that happens in life and relationships. Relationships change, just like anything else.
Many of us only comprehend the depth of a friendship when it is being difficult or severed. Its vulnerability and sensitivity often catch us unprepared and surprised. Friendships are birthed in a social context, and that is how they flow and transform, as well. If we move away, or leave a job; if we suffer a divorce or become a parent; if we change our interests, values and beliefs those relationships may drift away also, or even end very abruptly. We can take them as given, only to feel it deeply when they are disturbed or have ended, or even just transformed due to life changes and transitions. As a single woman without a child, I have observed how my relationships shift when dear friends get married or become parents, or when their values and priorities, as well as identities and roles, change. It’s very natural; nevertheless, it can hurt.
A certain structure can help in maintaining friendships. Like, regular times when we check in on each other, or connect and meet - virtually or in-person. For me personally, staying in touch regularly can help with a sense of connectedness and feeling closeness and intimacy, especially if my friends live far away. Considering that I have lived in various places and moved a lot, there are many of those dear people whom I like to stay connected to. At the same time, there are those (rare) people that you don’t need to be in touch with so regularly, and yet each time you see each other it’s like you have never separated. Everything simply flows. These are rare gems and amongst the dearest ones to me.
There is also a difference in how genders approach friendships. I know that women tend to engage in more face-to-face conversations, often also meeting one person at the time as opposed to groups, which I believe is more often like men do friendships. Women often prioritize mutual sensitivity, vulnerability and openness, and a direct interchange, while also placing their attention to the depth of feeling. Regardless of their gender, however, friends are those who are our chosen companions; they help us understand the world (from a different perspective) and learn some different points of view.
Friendships can also deeply challenge us and make us question ourselves, and our shadow. One of these challenging friendships was a popular male friendship between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud. Jung admired Freud and his work very much, and went to meet him in person. Their first meeting lasted thirteen hours, and it involved non-stop talking. It was an intense encounter, to say the least. Freud was twenty five years older than Jung, and acted as a mentor of a kind. There were eventually differences between the two that could have not been overcome, as they both had certain rigidity about them. I have certainly experienced a few friendships like this, where both of us would be triggered deeply by the other and their behavior. The only way to sustain this kind of friendship is to be open to look deep inside at one’s own shadow. And, even then, most often these friendships don’t survive.
“We make friends with people who live out our shadow. Friends can do the things we cannot do. Tell me who your friends are, and I have the whole panorama of your good and bad qualities. Our bad qualities, as well as our good ones, hold an attraction, a fascination, for us. The friend is often the person whom one envies. The friend is more elegant, or dances better, or can move about better in life; or has depth, or has a better mind. So, if one hasn't worked on one’s shadow, there’s always a kind of love-hate relationship with a shadow, and with one’s friends.” ~ Marie-Louise von Franz
In female friendships there can be a lot of camaraderie, but also a lot of competition. It is not as direct (and physical) as it is with men, but nevertheless it exists. In many women, this is often camouflaged with being “nice”. Women are rarely aggressive physically towards each other, but they do compete in other ways - physical look, clothes they wear, romantic partners etc. It is, after all, human quality to compete, to want status, a place in the world, to win… Finding those people who really understand us, who like and want to see us grow and succeed, and with whom we see eye to eye is rather difficult. And, failing to find such people can result in deep loneliness.
I have been surrounded by people almost always in my life, but I have also experienced loneliness often. On many occasions, those who were around me were not my people, my tribe - they were not likeminded spirits whom I could open up with, share my deepest thoughts and feelings, and be understood and acknowledged. This makes it worse than being completely alone. The older we get, the more difficult it is to find such special beloved companions. And when we do find them, we should do our best to stay committed to those relationships.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” ~ Carl Jung
Not all friendships are created the same. They do not have the same goal, and don’t fulfill the same needs. Some - especially those young (casual) friendships - are geared towards having fun, partying and exploring life when we are young and inexperienced. These will, most likely, change as soon as people in them develop different interests and values. Some lasting friendships have been gravitating towards mutual creative purposes - especially later in life - like through a mutual project, career field or a hobby. Aligning with common goals allows most friendships to flourish and impact the world in a positive way. It’s not enough to recognize that we like someone; that’s just the beginning of a relationship. We must also learn to care for the connections that add value into our lives, and make us more than we were alone.
Ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, differentiated between three kinds of friendship: utility-based, pleasure-based and character-based friendships. Most friendships in life will be based on pleasure or utility, and only a few rare ones will be so intimate and deep that they will be able to fall under a character-based friendship. As long as both people understand the nature of their friendship, they can both benefit from it. Aristotle believed that there is a place for each of these forms of friendship, but what is needed is a shared understanding of its basis. In his words, no matter what the nature of the friendship, it is “not permanent but is always changing; thus, when the reason for the friendship is done away, the friendship is dissolved.” He also believe that friendships need to be maintained by activity, by doing things together. Otherwise, the friendship will slowly fade.
“Friends who are … parted are not actively friendly, yet have the disposition to be so. For separation does not destroy friendship absolutely, though it prevents its active exercise. If however the absence be prolonged, it seems to cause the friendly feeling itself to be forgotten.” ~ Aristotle
So, what I have been asking myself lately is: in which categories do my relationships fall? I understand and believe that it is completely acceptable to have some (maybe even most) friendships mainly for utility and pleasure, and this is the case with me and many of my relationships. But, I am also recognizing how important it is to realize that these friendships serve a different purpose - they fulfill only some of our needs - and are likely to have a shorter lifetime than the ultimate and supreme kind of friendship. And, these ultimate friendships are worth protecting and cherishing. They do not appear overnight - although sometimes, if we are lucky, they appear out of the blue - and they require substantial amount of energy to maintain. But, what we get out of them easily exceeds what we put in.
This is for you, my friend. You know who you are.
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ~Carl Jung
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A hui kaua (Until we meet again),
Marina
