goodbyes
“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”
~ Paulo Coelho
The last class of my Jungian coaching program cohort happened this past Saturday. The time has come for us to reflect on these past nine months that we spent learning together, and to say our goodbyes. As I watched my peers do their final class presentations, express their gratitudes and give thanks, and share about their future career, as well as personal plans, I couldn’t help but notice how this process has been different for each one of us and how contrasting we all are in ways we think of and experience endings. There was joy and excitement, certainly some tears and sadness, and some feelings of confusion and nervousness, as well. It made me reflect on my own experience with endings, closures, losses and those moments of letting go.
“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” ~ Rumi
I don’t remember what it was like when I was a little girl, but as far as my memory goes I have never been great at goodbyes. I haven’t experienced that much death around me when I was very young, my parents remained married, and I didn’t really experience much fall outs with friends and/or those dramatic friendships that end badly. We haven’t spoke much about endings in my house, either. I did, however, leave my birth country when I was six years old and spent two and a half years in a completely different environment, with new friends and new culture, while being homeschooled. This experience brought so many new things for me and, indeed, exposed me to change, transitions and letting go. So, in some way, I did practice endings and new beginnings since very early age.
When I say that I was never great at goodbyes, what I mean, in a sense, is that I was never good in staying present with them, allowing for some pain and sensations to arise, staying with it all, and then - through time - healing and moving on. For me, it was always about distracting myself from that vulnerable moment of closure, or that heartache, so that I don’t feel the pain; and, then, instantaneously moving onto the very next thing, the very next place, person, adventure, or task - to which I, then, would give all my attention to. Endings are generally hard; they can be painful and even gut wrenching. And, many of us, often very early in life, learn how to avoid these feelings, and even master this skill, with time and practice. The thing is, we can’t really avoid them - they will catch up with us even after some time passes and just as we think “we are good” and ready to move onto a next relationship or experience.
Since I have been moving places very often and living pretty much a nomadic lifestyle, I have gotten used to goodbyes - more precisely, I have gotten used to being the one who is continuously leaving as opposed to one who stays behind. This mostly had a strong impact on my friendships, and well as my family. “Leaving” friends and family behind has been the theme of my life for the past almost twenty years. Sometimes, those dear ones would share their thoughts and emotions about me moving and leaving, maybe comment on it, and almost always there would be tears and sadness. Not that much for me, though. I discovered that I am rarely - if ever - really nostalgic and I don’t miss that much people and places. Additionally, I always feel this need to remain strong and calm, so that I can hold space and whatever others are going through. This may be related to my profession, as well. But, I have also often felt that if I start crying or allow my emotions to completely take over, I would be going through a total meltdown, and a catastrophe of a kind - and, I didn’t want others to witness that and feel as if they need to take care of me. So, instead, I have gotten used to being calm and collected, and very rational about it. Plus, life always takes me into yet another adventure, and then my mind gets preoccupied with that.
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” ~ Dr. Seuss
In my work with clients - closures and endings can be very different. They certainly can be uncomfortable for both me and my clients, but probably less emotional (at least for me). For my clients, our relationship could have had a strong attachment and it could be difficult ending the relationship for some of them. Other times, clients are ready for new beginnings and unknown opportunities, and there is this internal readiness to move on. It can happen that they develop strong connection to their soul and can continue following (and trusting) its own wishes and desires on a path on their own. And, at other times, there could be a strong transference of a parental role that I may have played in our relationship, and, therefore, the loss would be much harder to accept. We, coaches and therapists often get this projection of a healer. Sometimes it helps talking to clients about the archetype of the wounded healer and how they can find a healer inside of them. What they are seeing in us often is a projected part of themselves. Depending on the previous experiences that an individual had in their life, and also on how the last session went - especially if a client has some unresolved issues - then the feeling of loss is inevitable. For me, as a coach and therapist, there is always a certain feeling of discomfort, a loss of a kind, but it is generally easy to end these relationships. In these situations, I sometimes need to remind myself that just because it is easy for me, it doesn’t mean it is easy for my client. There is a need to recognize, acknowledge, and normalize their experience - whatever it may be.
In romantic relationships I grew such a thick skin over time, that after a relationship would end, I’d be very conscious, analytical, mature, and rational about it - processing it in my own way - and moving forward quickly. During my drinking and using time, I would “process” each breakup by partying, heavily drinking, and hooking up with as many people as possible, as fast as I possibly could. This would help me forget, and keep me busy and distracted for a while, and I wouldn't really notice if there is any pain, any sadness, grieving of a loss… This was a great short-term solution, but the thing is - it would often leave me with a resentment and blame, and, it would leave things without a real closure and without them being processed and integrated. And, this would, in the end, affect me and my soul (and sometimes the relationship with the other person). After I got sober, things have changed. I would stay present more after endings, but I have also learnt to process emotions fairly quickly, and move on from a past relationship. I don’t think there are many relationships I went back to and revisited in my life. Each time they would end, I would very quickly be capable of feeling nothing; sometimes, it would be indifference and other times just this love for the human being - but nothing that would indicate that we were once in love. Like we never existed together.
“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest thing in the world.” ~ John Green
It can be said that, overall, how we process endings and goodbyes depends a lot on our childhood experience, our attachment styles, as well as past life experiences, in general. There is almost always a fear of unknown, and a bit of uncertainty of moving on. There is also a pain of a loss and something we need to let go of in order to keep on moving. But, every loss also brings something new - with every ending there is always something new. With every new creative act there is also a level of destruction. Something needs to end in order for something new to begin. There is the end and also a creation of something new. This is just how it is, it’s the law of life and change.
I have mentioned that a lot of it depends on our personal attachment style. I won’t go much in depth with this topic right now, but, overall - if we avoided intimacy, vulnerability, and attachment since the beginning of a relationship, it is naturally easier to end it. If we have more of an anxious attachment style where we intensely fear rejection - then we will probably be anxious, and the experience will be more emotional, and even painful.
Mindfulness techniques and somatic work might be helpful approaches when we are facing goodbyes. For many of us who don’t feel much during endings, it can help to move inwards and focus on our body - especially those very subtle sensations. You can do this check in on your own - do you feel anything in your body? Where is the sensation located? What is it like? Is there any color or image attached to it? Does it want to say anything to you, send you a message? Does it remind you of anything from your past? As you stay with it, does it change, shift, in any way? Noticing what comes up during this practice can be very helpful as it unveils those very subtle ways of us dealing with endings, with goodbyes. No matter how subtle, we still have a certain response to this. And, maybe this is the way how you personally are processing them - no need to expect it to be the same for all of us.
Speaking of that, I used to be very ashamed and often feeling guilty for not experiencing loss and sadness like other people close to me, when there are endings in life. I had to learn that I need to stay close to my own inner experience, no matter what it is. Often times, when I would notice a difference between me and others when it comes to how we relate to endings, critical and judgmental thoughts would pop up in my mind - “there is something wrong with me”, “I am so cold” etc. I needed to learn that even though I can have those thoughts, I am not buying into them, I am not buying into that core belief or identifying with it, which has helped me a lot. Nothing is wrong with you, no matter how different than other people you may find yourself to be.
Jungian psychology tells us that everything has a shadow - that part of our unconscious mind that Jung believed to hold all the things about ourselves that we repress, whether because they are “bad”, socially unacceptable, harmful to others, or damaging to our own health. In case of my response to goodbyes and endings - getting attached quickly as well as staying unattached both have their shadows. Shadow work means that we develop conscious awareness of it all, and this may result in an inner sense of freedom - where, in my case, I am both getting attached and also staying unattached - in a way that fits with my own psyche and my Soul’s desires; regardless of how my social environment reacts to it. And, my personal style feels right for me (at least at this point in time). It might stay this way, and maybe it doesn’t - as we never know where the soul wants to go next. By not claiming a fixed position in this matter, and by not identifying with it, there is room for shadow to enter if it wants to. I can be all these aspects of myself; without a self-judgment and criticism.
If you would like to reflect on your own approach to endings and goodbyes, you may want to consider these questions:
Reflect on a few significant goodbyes or endings you have experienced in your life.
How did you cope with those endings?
How does that influence your goodbyes these days?
Are there particular types of goodbyes that seem more difficult or triggering for you?
How does this way of saying goodbye affect those around you - positively and negatively?
A hui kaua.
Until we meet again.
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Until we meet again,
Marina
This one really resonated. Thanks for articulating it all so beautifully.