happy birthday!
“It’s July and I have hope in who I am becoming.” ~ Charlotte Eriksson
June 27th marked another trip around the sun for me. As it felt appropriate, I have decided to celebrate it at my favorite San Diego dungeon with my kinky (and a few vanilla) friends. The owner of the place, and a dear friend of mine, offered to host my “Bondage Birthday” party and made it very special for me. It makes my heart melt to have such an amazing community that celebrates not only who I am, but also who I am becoming.
Nowhere in my wildest dreams could this be something I would have imagined several years ago. Not because this world was foreign to me, but because I wouldn’t believe that I would ever be evolved enough, and so self-aware and open to listen to the wispers of my soul, to fiercly follow my inner desires and needs, and to express them fully and unapologetically. Back then, I didn’t believe that I am to be celebrated precisely for who I am and what I love - and not simply tolerated. And, for that, I am proud of myself and grateful for all the lessons that came throughout the years as well as teachers who supported and guided me.
I wish to share with you 45 things - ideas, thoughts, sentiments, insights… gems of wisdom - that I have discovered, felt, learnt, explored, experienced, or simply came accross so far in my life. And I am going to do it with a help of some of my favorite quotes that I find to be really useful reminders these days. There are so many more, but these have been with me lately. So, here we go…
“People always expect you to be more ashamed than you are.” ~ Tove Ditlevsen
Since I was a little girl, I have heard many times from others how I should be better behaved and more obedient. Shit, I have heard it few months ago, as a grown woman! Truly, this has been carved in my brain for so long. And, let me tell you, shame is the most debilitating emotion there is. It fucks with your sense of self-worth, it damages relationships, and more importantly, your mental health. We all feel it, it is a universal emotion. But not all of us seek help for it. I have felt it, for variety of reasons, my whole life. And it’s been so freeing living my life without it (although, it still knows how to creep up on me from time to time).
"A naked soul is more indecent than an undressed body." ~ Renée Vivien
Opening up to others and being vulnerable is not always the smartest nor safest thing to do. You might not be acknowledged or accepted for who you are, you might come accross people who can’t handle you, and you can certainly get tremendously harmed by those who will take you for granted. Still, I would choose it over anything else any day.
"Don't try to be understood. It is futile. Be." ~ Clarice Lispector
Ahhh… this quote. One of my biggest pains throughout life was the feeling of being misunderstood. I still feel it. But, finally, I am moving towards acceptance of that reality. Realizing that I don’t need to be understood by anyone, that I am truly alone, and that that in itself is OK, is so liberating.
"The woman who doesn't require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet." ~ Mohadesa Najumi
So many years - even decades - I have lived in a need of validation and acceptance - mostly from men. For my beauty and appearances, as well as my brains and my accomplishments. If I wasn’t good enough for them, that would have been the end of me. Less and less this is my truth. And more and more, I am certain of my own worth.
"I deserve attention not because of any talent, but because I am unique." ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
I spent so much time in my life thinking how something is deeply wrong with me, only to realize that I am often very different from people around me - might I say unique, extraordinary and special (notice I didn’t say I am better than others - I am simply noticing my uniqueness). More importantly, I don’t need to hear this from anyone else.
"Words are misleading. Explaining oneself makes one smaller. Silence leaves one infinite." ~ Magda Szabo
The more I tried to explain who I am and what I do and why I do things that I do, the more I realized how I am shrinking and limiting myself in order to fit into a box, a certain category. And the more I leave things unexplained and open, the more it allows me to change, morph, flow and be many different things. It also prevents me from seeing things in an absolute manner.
"It is in moments of solitude that women begin to become themselves." ~ Murasaki Shikibu
This is so very triue. There is so much noise in the world. There are so many (wrong and harmful) influences and so much conditioning. Only when a woman spends some time alone, with herself, only then does she really get to know herself and becomes who she is supposed to be.
"Men want to possess my soul. They do not know that my soul belongs to myself." ~ Alma Mahler
More so these days than before, there are men who want all of me, who want to literally possess me, own me. They want to own my body, my mind and my soul. I can’t really visualize myself in that kind of dynamic with most men that I know. The truth is, however, I probably wouldn’t mind giving my whole self to a man who deserves it, earns it. I haven’t met him yet.
"Don't be afraid anymore. Not of anyone. Not of anything. Nothing. Ever again. Listen to me: not ever again." ~ Marguerite Duras
Ahhh… the fear… The fear of myself and my emotions, the fear of others, of circumstances, of change, of pain, of failure, of success… the fear of life itself. I have been there before. And, the moment I started believing in myself, in my intuition, my gut feeling, everything chaged. Fear still may be there - it is actually a useful emotion - but I am not afraid, but rather courageous.
"I never did know how to pace myself. I loved too hard, drank too fast, worked too late, told the truth too soon." ~ Lucia Berlin
This one speaks so loudly to me - except the part about working too hard ;) I am kidding, I have been a hustler my whole life. I just never made any real money. Anyways, it was being introduced to Buddhism that showed me that there is another way - a middle way. I can’t say I perfected it - not even close. It’s been a long journey and probably one I will be on forever.
"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly." ~ Franz Kafka
I feel like there is no need to add anything else here, as this quote covers it all. I have been practicing this the last two years of my life, and I can tell you - I have never been more myself. And that is truly an amazing feeling - following your most intense obsessions and desires mercilessly.
"All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name." ~ Andre Breton
This quote is me, in a nutshell. All my life, I have felt this yearning, this wanting, this hole that needed to be filled, this melancholy that needed to be entertained and looked after. I still feel it. I just have a lot less judgment about it. And, I have gotten to love that about me.
“Home is not where you were born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease.” ~ Naguib Mahfouz
This one cuts deep. For years, decades even, I ran as far as I could in order to escape the motherland, the mother, the core wound… basically, myself. These days, although I still move around, I am not escaping. At least, not myself. And that is one of my biggest achievments.
"I had a way of making chaos look like charisma." ~ Lucia Berlin
I am sure that many of my lovers would agree with this. There is something wild, mysterious and a bit deranged about me that often tends to look charming at first and it certainly serves as a magnet for others.
“I’ve come to the conclusion that the most important thing in life is to dare.” ~ Grace Hopper
Dare to be who you are, dare to live your life the way you want to live it, and dare to say no to what society is trying to sell you. Dare to ask questions, to wonder and to change your mind. What’s left out there if we don’t dare?
"I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free." ~ Georgia O'Keefe
This is something I deeply aspire to. I still notice the Ego workings in myself and how it responds to compliments and flattery as opposed to criticism. Something has shifted slightly lately, and it is that I don’t really hear the flattery in the same way I did before. Namely, unless a person knows me well and offers me a true compliment, I don’t really react to flattery from random people and strangers who don’t know me. I tend not to believe it and find it to be supperficial and presumptuous. And, it works for me!
"Some days, I still want to call the person I used to be - just to say sorry, and thank you." ~ Lucia Berlin
Ahh, this makes me smile and also breaks my heart a little. How much more time needs to pass before I can truly be thankful and compassionate towards my old, younger self, my behaviors, habits, choices, decisions… I don’t know. I am still learning.
“If everything around seems dark, look again, you may be the light.” ~ Rumi
This may be one the most difficult things to do, for me. When you are an empath and a highly sensitive person, when things seem dark around you, there is almost nothing else to do but internalize that shit and feel dark inside. Situations in life when other people approach me in the most difficult times in my life, only to find some peace or wisdom for themselves, or even just to admire how I show up in the world - those magical moments are when I realize that there must be some light inside of me left, although I may not be able to see it.
“Stop whatever you’re doing for a moment and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won’t be able to do this anymore?” ~ Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Do I even need to elaborate on this powerful quote?! I will share one thing, though. When I discovered kink and BDSM, the first thing that crossed my mind was “how I wish to have discovered this earlier in life, and not now when I am getting older and who knows how long I will be able to enjoy it.” I can tell you - I am afraid of the moment when I am no longer able to do this anymore. What is the thing that makes you feel this way?
"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." ~ Bob Marley
People, even with their best intentions, and despite the fact that they love us and care for us, do things and act in ways that can, and will, at some point hurt us. All of us will hurt each other, one way or another. Trying to avoid this would leave us all alone in life. The only way is to find and surround ourselves with those whose are worthy of the pain.
“I dream too much and I don’t write enough and I’m trying to find god everywhere.” ~ Anis Mojgani
I stumbled upon this quote during the time when I was struggling to write, funny enough. I have realized that often in my life I would spend time in my head, daydreaming, instead of here, in reality, and potentially writing. It’s just much nicer there, everything is possible over there. And god is in everything.
"Silly girl. Your different was your beautiful all along." ~ Atticus
It took a while for me to accept my differences. So often it is easier being in this world just the way everyone else is, than to be different. It gets lonely when you are different or the only one changing the way you do. I used to hate lonely. These days, although it can still get lonely, I appreciate it.
“He told me I was too emotional. I told him I was just more honest than he was comfortable with.” ~ Lucia Berlin
I wish I was as blunt as this gal. But, hey, she became known a decade after her death, so I am still hopeful. So many times I was told that I am too emotional and too sensitive. And I would buy it each time I have heard someone say it. It’s not that those words are wrong, but that their meaning is seen so negatively. These days, I proudly state that I am emotional and sensitive, and I understand that many are not comfortable with it. But that is their business.
"Let love transform you. Even when it burns, it turns you into gold." ~ Rumi
Hmmm… Still looking forward to experience and embody this one. I have been cautious when it comes to relationships, often even afraid. So far, it has only been burning and when I allow for it (and that doesn’t happen often).
"All she wanted was for someone to look at her and see the person she hid so well." ~ Atticus
Probably what I want the most in life is - to be truly seen. For me personally, I could only be truly loved by someone if they see me deeply and fully. The problem is, I don’t usually let people see me. When they get too close, I leave. But this has been changing a bit lately, as well. I feel that despite its bitter ending, the last relationship did manage to challenge me a bit more and move me towards letting my guard down.
"Heal sis, heal. So you can see that attention is not love, attachment is not connection and the bare minimum is not effort." ~ Anonymous
I spent so many years being confused about these concepts. It gets even worse if your attachment style is disorganized. Then you really don’t know what’s what. Receiving attention from romantic partners meant that they want something good for me, as opposed to what they really wanted - which was getting something from me. Each time I felt chemistry and intensity, I would get attached to a person, believing that we have this amazing connection. And, I used to pride myself on being low maintenance and a “cool” girl, expecting no effort from the other person. I am still in the process of healing these wounds, but it is nowhere near as hurtful and confusing as it used to be.
“Love, the poet said, is woman's whole existence.” ~ Virginia Woolf, Orlando
So very true. In our core, we are love. We create, we nurture, we love, and we bring peace. This has been, in a way, eradicated, removed from us, by society and the expectations that continue to place on us more masculine qualities.
"I lied and said I was busy. I was busy; but not in a way most people understand. I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart. I was busy telling myself I am okay. Sometimes, this is my busy - and I will not apologize for it." ~ Brittin Oakman
This quote describes so well what life looks like for me when I am not doing well. And, indeed, it feels like I am busy. Just busy being, and existing. And it’s been hard and often shameful explaining and opening up about it to others. It’s getting easier, as I get more accepting of this part of me. So, please stay being busy silencing the noisy chatter in your mind, or breathing deep, or simply surviving when it’s necessary.
"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away." ~ Frida Kahlo
Good old golden teaching about the impermanence… If you follow my writing from the beginning, you know how much I speak about this. About change and flow, and how things never stay the same for too long. This approach helped me tremendously in life, especially in accepting things that I cannot change, and being in the moment knowing that it shall too pass.
"I'm going to promote myself exactly as I am, with all my weak points and my strong ones. My weak points are that I'm self-conscious and often insecure, and my strong point is that I don't feel any shame about it." ~ Patti Smith
This speaks my truth. I am so often insecure, despite what others think. I always hear how confident I am, how great I am doing, and how wonderful and beautiful I am. And yet, in the core of my being, I am often so critical and insecure. As Patti says, though, I don’t feel shame about it anymore. I used to. For a long time. And that would only make it worse.
"Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure." ~ Hermann Hesse
There was the time when I believed that love is here to make us happy - that was a long time ago. And I am not being cynical about it, not at all. It’s just truth. Things that are meant to make us happy are within us. Not out there, in a person or next relationship. Not in the job or a future project, or even a child. Love, overall, will test us, challenge us, break us, rebuild us, refresh us. Love will make us lose all the hope and then become hopeful again. It will definitely help us build resilience, and endure many things in life. But if we rely on love to be happy, we may be deeply disappointed.
“It is sheer good fortune to miss somebody long before they leave you.” ~ Toni Morrison
I have felt this a few times during the years. Most recently I felt it in the last relationship I was in. To me, there is almost nothing as sweet and at the same time heartbreaking as being with someone and missing them, at the same time. Missing them before they have left. There is no bigger agony than sensing and feeling the end before you even begin.
"I urge you to please notice when you are happy." ~ Kurt Vonnegut
I don’t know about you, but I often need to be reminded of this - to notice when I am happy. Not just when I am desperate and in pain. And not only when I am overly euphoric, but when I am happy. Content. Joyful. This practice is like building a muscle - the more often you do it, the bigger chances it will stick with you. But, it is a practice. So (note to myself) - do it regularly and be patient.
"It is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found." ~ D.W. Winnicott
This is very poignant since it is a familiar wound for many people - that need to be seen and fear of what will happen if others see you for who you are. Somewhere in our childhood, most of us learnt that we are not fully OK being who we are, and that we are either lacking in something or we are too much of something else. Being found and fully seen brings up immediately the fear of being left, rejected, abandoned. And yet, that is precisely what every human being truly, most deeply, desire.
“Whatever happens, stay alive. Don't die before you really die. Don't lose yourself, don't lose hope, don't lose direction. Stay alive with flesh and soul, with every cell of your body, with every fiber of your skin. Live, learn, study, think, read, build, invent, create, speak, write, dream, design. Stay alive, stay alive inside yourself, stay alive outside yourself, fill yourself with the colors of the world, fill yourself with peace, fill yourself with hope. Stay alive with joy. There is only one thing that you should not take away from life and that is life itself.” ~ Virginia Woolf
Sometimes, and unfortunately, people die before they are really dead. They stop really living. This happened to me, thankfully only on a few brief occasions. It is in those moments that life doesn’t make much sense, that I don’t really see a reason for being here, and I neglect and abandon every thing I like and enjoy. That is the moment to reinvent yourself and start all over. To find something, any one thing, that gives you joy, brings about peace, connects you with yourself. I have been here before. Often, they call it depression and prescribe meds for it. The thing is, not all depression is clinical and certainly not all requires meds. Often times, it is a call from the inside, from the depths of our soul, that tells us that something doesn’t sit right inside of us and asks of us to make a change. Listen to this voice, please.
"The one person who will never leave us, whom we will never lose, is ourself. Learning to love our female selves is where our search for love must begin.” ~ Bell Hooks
This resonates deeply on so many levels. I have spent years disliking and sometimes even hating myself. I have felt lost and at war with myself. And, I have been disconnected from my feminine self, while overly identifying with the masculine traits. This approach affected not only me, but also all my intimate relationships. Learning to love myself and take care of her is probably one of the biggest tasks for me in this lifetime.
"Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room." ~ Iain S. Thomas
This is a common misconception for many people - to think that we need to be perfect (or at least better than we are) in order to deserve love from ourselves and others; to think that we need to hide all our shortcomings and present only those admirable traits. People spend years in therapy for this kind of stuff. Where, counterintuitively, we need to first love ourselves completely in order to allow others to love us, in order to be able to receive love, in order to see positive changes take place in our life.
“A woman who writes has power, and a woman with power is feared.” ~ Gloria E. Anzaldua
This is just something that comes up these days when we see more and more women authors of books, blogs, newsletters… Women have always had so much to say but often didn’t dare to. It is beautiful to witness how these things change as we give ourselves permission to express what is deep down in us.
“He broke me, yes. But you see, I rebuild myself with better stones.” ~ Dora Maar
This one reminded me of the last relationship I have been in, and recently ended. I can’t say - just yet - that I have rebuild myself with better stones, but I am certainly getting there. I feel stronger and more stable. I feel less attached and more connected to myself again. I feel that I am slowly getting bigger, louder and more stable. Learning from past experiences has been the best way - if not the only way - for me to learn. However, I am also a slow learner.
“One must take care of oneself before anything else, and that, too, is a kind of art.” ~ Dora Maar
I am always in need of a reminder for how important the art of self-care is. I pride myself on being the one who insists on this among my friends and family. And, yet, I still forget about it. I neglect it. I allow other things to take that place. It is simple, but not easy - this art of self-care. Feeling fully deserving of taking care of ourselves before anyone and anything else, without feeling guilty - good luck.
“A real apology never starts with I’m sorry you feel that way.” ~ Lucia Berlin
There is a lot to be taken in from this quote. Lately, I have been experiencing so many people who confuse this sentence with the true apology. Just because you were taught that the other person is responsible for their own feelings, it doesn’t mean that you are not supposed to take any emotional responsibility in a given situation, in a relatiosnhip. Everyone involved in a relationship is to take responsibility and ownership. It makes me wonder what am I doing wrong in apologizing and how I can change this. It shall be revealed…
“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.” ~ Isak Dinesen
Letting go, shedding your old skin, releasing, purging, washing away, removing, moving through water… all aspects of self-care and cleansing. The water element - as presented in all of these three remedies - is the element that cleanses, heals and offers a perspective. It’s just a very positive and uplifting note.
“To be hurt and forgive is saintly, but far beyond this is the power to comprehend and not be hurt.” ~ Bahiyyih Khanum
How do we manage to grasp what is happening in a given situation, have understanding for everyone involved (especially the other party), and not get/feel hurt as a result of it? It’s extremely difficult, I’ll tell you that. And, I believe it is also possible. Having no expectations help. Being understanding and accepting of individual differences certainly makes a difference. Finally, it may be possible that what we are feeling is actually sadness, and not hurt. I believe this could be learnt, and we could get good at it. And, in case you’re wondering - I am not there yet.
“The world around you is only beautiful when you are at peace with the world within you.” ~ I don’t know where I read this?
To me, this resonates like a Buddhist concept of hell and heaven, which is found only inside of us, and which has to do with how we relate to what is happening, to our experience (and not with the experience itself). If we are in peace with our life and experiences - regardless of them being pleasant or unpleasant - we will certainly have a more colorful and positive outlook at the world around us. And, vice versa - if we are not in peace with our life and we resist it, the world will appear grim and dark.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~ Rumi
This quote suggests that the pain can be an opportunity - an incentive - for growth and change. It basically states that we can learn and transform from pain. Something along the lines of “no mud, no lotus”. We are not always ready to hear this, I agree. Sometimes it is too early. Other times, we are not ready. Nevertheless, this approach changed my life. I hope it changes yours too.
“Your life is your life. don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. be on the watch. there are ways out. there is a light somewhere. it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness. be on the watch. the gods will offer you chances. know them.
take them. you can’t beat death but you can beat death in life, sometimes. and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be. your life is your life.
know it while you have it. you are marvelous the gods wait to delight in you.” ~ Charles Bukowski
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Maki