I Don't Know How To Be
... in a relationship
“Honestly, what is your type?”
“Oh, you know, anyone who will give me a modicum of attention, paired with a promise of rejection. A little seductive, a little sociopathic. You know, someone who could potentially love me, but also prove to me that ultimately, I’m unworthy of love.”
~ From the movie How it Ends (2021)
I started having boyfriends early, way early. I was seven when I first kissed a boy and twelve when I was already in a relationship. It was sixth grade, and both of us were part of a “cool” school, neighborhood gang. There were occasional fights involved, thefts, alcohol, drugs, skipping school, sometimes even serious violence and vandalism. I haven’t started using drugs till later, but I did drink since age eleven. This early relationship started as very sweet and loving, very innocent, but evolved into something toxic and manipulative, with me kissing other boys a few times and then officially “leaving” him during the school excursion and having a summer romance with another boy, and him trying to manipulate me into staying by hurting himself. We were only fourteen at the time.
My more serious “love life” began at the age of seventeen. Very soon after I first had sex, I started sleeping with unavailable (and often much older) men; either those in relationships or married, or those emotionally unavailable (at least unavailable for me). There was kind of a thrill and carelessness in this behavior - something that I wrongly perceived as freedom and lack of responsibility - and at that time I have enjoyed it, and was pretty dedicated to it. To me it seemed safe to choose men who were already “taken” as I believed that they would never leave their partners and be only with me, and that would assure me never being hurt. I didn’t know back then where this belief was coming from, and that it is a very unhealthy and destructive pattern; I thought it is a normal way to be. I guess it was the only way I knew how to be.
But before I dive deeper into my adult relationship life, you need to understand something about “dating” in Serbia. There is no such thing. People don’t go out to dinners and movies, they don’t platonically date multiple people at the same time, and then decide who they will be deeply involved with. At least this wasn’t the case for me and my generation. It’s pretty simple - people have sex fairly quickly (usually even as soon as they meet) and then if they enjoy it they continue having it, while (usually) still sleeping with other people. And then maybe, but just maybe, they slowly continue sleeping only with one person and that grows into a relationship eventually. Or, if they didn’t enjoy it in the first place, they just never call each other again. That is the system I grew up in and lived well until my mid thirties. Actually, who am I kidding, I lived it till about yesterday.
At nineteen I met him. He was my love at first sight. And he was someone who, unfortunately, labeled and influenced the rest of my love life. Almost ten years older than me and (naturally) married. I didn’t care, I had to have him. I was literally sick for him. A pure and total infatuation - that I called love. His wife found out about us fairly quickly and created a complete hell for me and my family - chased me around town, spy on me, came knocking on my parents’ door, had her sister and cousins yell at me when they see me around. I was only 19 and was feeling so much heaviness, dread, sickness, and depression around this. This was the first time in my life when I was suicidal. But I couldn’t leave him. He eventually got divorced, we had maybe one year of a decent relationship, and the rest (of total four years) was absolute nightmare. During one short period of time when we were not speaking (and there were many of those) I slept with someone else. This was my (unskilful) way of getting attention that I did not get in my own relationship. I could’ve just left him, but this was my pattern. This relationship was made of mutual dishonesty, betrayal, disrespect and manipulation. I stopped talking to my friends about him eventually, absorbed by excruciating shame and guilt. I won’t get into the details, because details don’t matter, but I will say that I finally managed to end it when I did not have anything else to give, no more tears to cry, and overwhelmed by numbness. I was twenty-three and hopeless when we broke up. Naturally, this state will leave you wounded for a long time, and instead of taking care of myself in a more wholesome way, I started sleeping around almost instantaneously. That was all I knew how to do.
There is a part in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Eat, Pray, Love” that I strongly resonate with when I think of that time:
“I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you - you can have it all. My money, my time, my body, my dog … my dog’s money. I will assume your debts, and project upon you all sorts of nifty qualities you’ve never actually cultivated in yourself. I will give you all this and more. Until I am so exhausted and depleted - the only way I can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”
This was me. And I am sure many of you can find yourselves here too.
For the next few years I continued with non-serious and non-monogamous relationships and hook-ups until another similar guy walked into my life. We knew each other from town. As a matter of fact, I slept with his close friend sometime in the past. But this didn’t stop him. We liked each other and he wanted to be with me and, at the time, that was enough of a factor for me to get into a relationship with someone; the fact that they like me. This one moved in with me soon after we started dating, then spent all his money on cocaine and alcohol, going out on both week days and weekends, while I was working, paying bills and going mental. The truth is I wasn’t any better than him - I would get him back the very same way. The end of it happened after about a year and a half, when I had enough, and, instead of breaking up, I slept with someone else (yet, again). This was the official end of us. At this point, I was almost twenty-seven.
You see the pattern, right?
Ruin is the gift.
Ruin is the way to transformation.
We deserve much more than to stay in a relationship just because we are afraid we will be destroyed if we leave it.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
In between all these previous guys, and before my ex husband, there were a few wonderful men that came around. I don’t know how they ended up in my life, they must have gotten lost or something. Those relations, however, were short lived. I could say that those men were the ones who got away, but I would rather say that those were the ones I was not ready for. Those were rare mature and honest men who wanted something from me that I could not give them at the time.
I always say that my marriage was probably one of the healthiest (if not, the healthiest) relationship in my life (so far). I met him at twenty-nine, and married him at thirty. And this was during the time when I was still drinking. Although we are not together anymore, it has been a journey full of love, understanding, dedication and companionship. Probably the only time in my life when I was committed to someone fully. And we remained good friends to this day. Something that I have realized long after my divorce is that I have always been focused on things that I did not received from him, rather than those that I did. This perspective made me blind to some much goodness that he has given me during the years we spent together.
I was thirty-three when my marriage ended, and I spent almost another two years living in madness. My alcohol use increased and became almost a daily regimen, I have tried to nurture and care for myself through food and casual sex, and deep down I hated my life, despite the fact that it looked pretty glamorous and fun on the outside.
In 2013, although not yet sober, I met my Buddhist teacher. My heart knew that this beautiful ancient wisdom is something I desperately needed, something I was searching for my whole life. I started practicing, studying and meditating daily for about a year. However, as much as I enjoyed these things, little was changing in my life. I was still drinking, still engaging in meaningless sexual relations and still emotionally eating. It soon became very clear to me that I cannot continue with my lifestyle if I want to receive the benefits of this precious philosophy. I needed a different life. And on September 5, 2014 I got it. I quit alcohol and drugs that day, and joined a local AA community.
In sobriety, things changed dramatically. Shortly after I stepped onto my recovery journey, I have taken vows to abstain from using intoxicants and to abstain from sexual misconduct. These vows, especially the latter one, mean everything to me, to this day, and they are the refuge I have always needed. This influenced, and better, yet, determined, naturally, my love life moving forward. I still made mistakes, many many mistakes - I have entered into relationships lightly, I got engaged a few times on a whim, moved in with a guy prematurely, got together with someone just because I was lonely and needed validation but convinced them (as well as myself) that I am in love with them, and so on. But, I didn’t get involved with those that are unavailable, I didn’t lie and cheat, and I did my best to not (consciously) manipulate people. What helped me tremendously in this, is getting to know myself more and more. Being aware of my past patterns, wounds, my imperfections and my needs, as well as the parts I have played in all those dysfunctional past relationships. With knowing my needs what followed was expressing them freely to others, and, therefore, setting healthier boundaries.
I cannot say I perfected all this, but I am way more skillful and respectful to others when it comes to relationships than I ever was. And what started happening is that more healthy individuals were approaching me. I have encountered more respect and truthfulness, and less lies and manipulations. It took knowing Buddhism, for me, to start realizing that. When people, usually women, say “I don’t know why I always attract this kind of a guy”, what that usually means is that you have the karmic seeds to attract that kind of a person based on your past actions. Sometimes we can trace those actions as they happened more recently in the past, and other times it could have been past incarnations which most of us, unfortunately, don’t remember. Regardless, what matters, is what I do right now, what kind of life I am living, as that creates conditions for my future. And what I do right now is pretty much the opposite of what I have done most of my life.
Since 2014 I have dated many people but most importantly, I have been changing the relationship between me, myself and I. It turns out, when you get sober, you realize that this is the relationship you need to work on the most. This is the one and only relationship that will last forever. Everything else changes, and passes, one way or another.
I have learnt that I did not like me. I certainly did not love me. Often, I did not care for me, either. I have put myself over and over in unsafe and dangerous situations, I treated myself with no respect and love, and I was reckless. I understand now that I did not know any better, and that all I was trying to do is nurture my deep wound and make myself feel better. But, I have done it so unskillfully for a long time, that it takes as equally as long time - if not even longer - to repair this sacred connection. It takes time to heal and become whole again.
The real love story was always you and you. It was how you walked alone and learned what you needed to carry. It was how you began to see through your own eyes, and not someone else’s. It was how you began to dig joy out from beneath your cynicism, how you slowly built your desires into form. It was how you learned what you like and don’t, and what you came here to be. The real love story was always how you opened your heart to yourself.
~ Brianna Wiest
When we start a deeper work with ourselves, we often strive for perfection. We want to see change quickly and we want never to make the same mistakes again. But what this really is, is a violent and heartless act, as perfection does not exists. We’ll always get muddy. We might even make the same mistakes. And that is ok. If we could just embrace that shitty side of ourselves and learn to love ourselves even when we are covered in mud, life would be much easier. We can start to do that now. I know I do; every single day.
Today, I am a single woman by choice. Sometimes I feel lonely and needy for attention. Most of the time, though, I am self-sufficient. I am open to meet someone, but I know that I don’t need that someone to make me complete. They can only complement my life, but not bring in wholeness in it, as wholeness already exists. I have my days, and my self-pity moments, but overall, I like me. Actually, I love me.
… and if you wanted
to drown you could,
but you don’t
because finally
after all this struggle
and all these years
you simply don’t want to
any more
you’ve simply had enough
of drowning
and you want to live and you
want to love …~ David White - from the song The Truelove
Amazing honesty and assessment! Thank you for sharing so personally and candidly about your journey in this department. I think many can relate and yet might be ashamed to be so bold in sharing the intimate details that resulted from the ignorant striving for love as a wounded human. You did so beautifully and inspirationally.