If This Was Your Last Day on Earth
... or how it ends
“That's home. That's us. On it, everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was lived out their lives. Every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there on the mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. How frequent their misunderstandings, how fervent their hatreds. Our imagined self-importance, the delusions that we have some privileged position in the Universe are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. Like it or not, for the moment, the earth is where we make our stand. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits, than this distant image of our tiny world. It underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.”
~ Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot, A Vision of the Human Future in Space
A while ago I watched the movie How It Ends (2021). It’s not a masterpiece by any means, but it could instigate a captivating discussion. I’m simplifying the outline very much here, but the story goes something like this .. The main character, Liza, embarks on a comical journey throughout Los Angeles neighborhoods in hopes of making it to her last party before the world is destroyed by a nearby meteor, all the while running into numerous characters along the way. She is accompanied by her teenage self - who only she can see - and who is desperately trying to get her out of trouble.
So, suppose the news broke out that the world was going to be destroyed by an approaching meteor soon (precise day and time are known to us). When that last day finally arrives, how would you go about it? Would you go out ravaging and destroying things in anger and desperation, while being safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to later explain and justify it to anyone? Would you throw a party and end up obliterated and unconscious? (btw, this would be my choice if I was asked this questions a decade ago, so no judgment) Would you tell people in their face how you feel about them, finally having a moment of (brutal) honesty in your life? Would you be more accepting of the inevitable and go about the day with a relaxed and laid-back attitude? Would you be looking up certain people from your past with an attempt to make amends, apologize or get closure with them? Would you sit alone at home, get high and wait for the unavoidable to happen? What would you do? Or maybe a better question - knowing yourself as best as you do - what do you think you would do?
It may sound silly, but I did ponder on this question on several different occasions in the past. And I am well aware that we’re never really fully able, or prepared, to answer a question like this knowing that the meteor is most probably not hitting our planet tomorrow, in the same way how we probably cannot answer how would we proceed if we discovered that we have a terminal disease and might actually die sooner than we expected and hoped for. Some answers (well, many answers) are not really known until certain things happen and life unveils. Regardless, my answer to this question varied depending on the circumstances and mental states I was in at the time.
During the time when I was drinking and using, I would have probably opted for doing whatever I wanted for that one day (foolishly calling this freedom), and get wasted and unconscious and exit like that (all the while believing that I am leaving with style). At that time I craved for anesthetizing and disconnecting from painful moments. And I didn’t like being responsible for others and/or carrying for them either. Then there were the time when I considered being with dearest ones - my parents for example - and spending my last moments with them. But I was never very skillful (especially not ten years ago) in expressing my feelings to my parents or listening and attending to their feelings, so I am not sure that this would have been a great choice either. On other occasion, I even thought that I would kill myself prior to the end of the world day arrives, as an attempt to keep control, regulate the situation and prevent myself from going through something unknown and, therefore, unimaginably painful and terrifying (as if killing yourself isn’t all these things). Thoughts and feelings about this topic shifted as I was changing and the times were changing …
When I was nineteen years old, my country was bombed for 78 days. There’s your real life opportunity for learning how to live with uncertainty, fear and possibility to die or lose everything in a matter of seconds. Several military barracks as well as the infrastructure points (like bridges) in my hometown were some of the targets. Every day we would listen to the news to hear when the airplanes will leave Aviano, NATO air base in Italy, and we would know exactly how much time we have left until the strike happens. Some would run to the shelters. Others would stay in their homes, guarding everything and everyone they have. There were a few who would be outside, sitting in cafes, contemplating about life and death, and placing debts on what the next target will be (that explains a lot about Serbian people). Every day it was unknown if we will survive, if our homes will be demolished, our families and friends hurt or dead .. Every day felt like a possible loss. I guess I had many opportunities during those 78 days to consider that one of them might as well be the last day of my life, and , interestingly, mostly what I was focussed on was surviving.
In the last decade things changed for me - something shifted in my relationship to death and endings - particularly once I embarked on the journey of Tibetan Buddhism. I started reading, studying, contemplating and meditating on death on a daily basis. Tibetan people - as well as many other cultures - do it since the day they are born. For them, practice of preparing for your death is something incorporated into daily activities, and they don’t take life for granted. Nothing is given. For them, death is not an ending of life but just a continuance of consciousness but in a different form. The fact that death can come for us at any moment, and nothing in life is promised is something that might terrify some of us, and motivate and uplift others.
One of the Buddhist practices I love dearly (and, unfortunately, I do not practice regularly enough) involves each evening clearing, cleaning and preparing everything around us - in our houses, apartments or rooms - as if we won’t wake up tomorrow morning. This invites the question - how would I like things and people to stay behind me, if I am gone tomorrow? What would I like my relationships to look like? What would I like my home to look like? What would I be leaving behind me if I am dying tomorrow? If I completed all my tasks and responsibilities so that they don’t stay behind me and become someone else’s burden. Tibetans seem to be reflecting on these things daily, so that when the last day indeed comes, they can go in peace. Can you relate to this? I wish I could say I relate fully. I know there are still messy relationships in my life, unfinished businesses and certainly a few sticky affairs that would require tending.
Finally, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying speaks of one’s state of mind at the moment of death and it states that this particular factor will determine what is next for that individual. It doesn’t matter if you are a Buddhist or not, but just think about this - if you are generally scared and terrified in your life, alone and lonely, angry at the world and disappointed in yourself and life, this is the mindset you will most certainly have when you exit this realm, and you most probably will be reborn within the same context. Now, many of you may believe that there is nothing after life; just nothingness and emptiness. None of us can claim any of this with any certainty, but I happily choose to believe former versus latter. Similarly, it is how we can understand the meaning of karma. If I choose to believe that my actions in this life don’t matter, and they have no effect, then surely I would choose to live my life in any way I want regardless of its affect on others and the world around me, including the planet Earth. But if I allow some space for a belief that all actions have consequences and that it matters how I live my life in this lifetime - as it affects not only my next life but other people and the planet too - that would make me more aware, conscious, awake, caring, compassionate, and skillful in the ways that I think, speak and behave right now. I prefer to believe that there is karma. Actually, I believe that the laws of karma are in the workings no matter if we believe in it or not (just like gravity). And if you need proofs of it, just look back into your past and you’ll find the pattern.
“All things are meltable, and replaceable. Not at this moment, but soon enough, we are lambs, and we are leaves, and we are stars, and the shinning, mysterious pond water itself.”
~ Mary Oliver
Recently I read an article on The Marginalian about the earthquake that hit Anchorage (Alaska) in March of 1964 - the event that left a significant level of trauma in people, devastated the community and, somehow, still managed to find meaning in the midsts of a catastrophe with bringing up solidarity, resilience and generosity among the people. These people certainly did not expect anything like this happening that day - naturally, just like it is for all of us daily, everything seemed stable and permanent and secured to them. This shows how we take things for granted, and we end up being unbearably shaken when things surprise us - when we get sick or when an earthquake happens. Aside from this, this article speaks mostly about a woman, journalist, who became an essential character in community building but also a voice that kept informing, comforting, and being the steady hand for those who were confused, scared, lost, and terrified. It’s a beautiful article that most of all shows the solidarity of people in impossibly difficult times and circumstances.
What this article additionally brought up for me personally is a memory of the civil war that my country and its people lived through. There is a saying that war brings out the worse and the best in people. As one of a man-made disasters, war certainly brings up fear, anger, terror and uncertainty. In the 1990s, a horrific civil war broke out in the Balkans, more precisely on the territory of the Former Yugoslavia. What seemed to be happening abruptly and overnight - neighbors killed neighbors and families were broken apart. The war tore apart the whole region, with conflicts between its diverse ethnic groups. Terrible and unmentionable things happened. Without going into the details of the war itself, it is important to note that this event - apart from being horrific, unreal and wished upon no one - also created an opportunity for bringing out the greatness in good men and women; as catastrophes always do. Families took refuges into their homes, offering to provide for them. Those who did not believe in war and were in disagreement with the popular nationalistic political views declined to go to war (while risking their own freedom) and instead offered help to those in need. Eventually, several years after the war ended, majority of the country was marching in the streets as a sign of a protest to current (ethnocentric) political regime, and overthrew the president who was one of the people responsible for the war.
“Thus the great ones have taught me - to observe with passion, to think with patience, to live always caringly.”
~ Mary Oliver
I am well aware that I may have drifted away a bit from my initial thought (it happens sometimes), but it seemed relevant to mention these examples of how people can and will stick together in fierce and difficult times; how we are all together on this planet and we only have each other; how we are interdependent and connected; and how - if the meteor will hit tomorrow or some other catastrophe would happen - we should be thinking of our last days, our last thoughts, words and, certainly, our last actions. And, if we, indeed, place an importance and meaning in considering these things for our last day, why not considering them right now, today?! Why wait? May we all shift our views and start living our lives along the lines of Marcus Aurelius’ words “Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretense”. Because, one of these days will be your last. And there won’t be a rehearsal guaranteed.
So, in closing, I am offering these questions to you so you can reflect upon them if you wish. We won’t be here forever. Hell, in grand scheme of things, none of us will be here long. If you resonate and like the idea, you could consider these questions a daily contemplative practice. You don’t have to be a Buddhist or a religious person to do so. I am certain, though, that it would make all our lives more meaningful and fulfilling.
If there was the end of the world tomorrow …
Would all those, seemingly important, things on your mind still be priority?
What would you say to people?
What would you do for your last day on Earth?
How would you feel about the life you have lived?
Who would you want to spend your last moments with?
Would you be happy and satisfied with what you are leaving behind? Or would you want to change that within the last moments of your remaining life?
Would you be in peace with the current emotions, thoughts and mental states?
Would you have regrets and missed opportunities?
Would you want to exit this life with love, compassion and openness or would it be anger, fear and disappointment?
My friends, let’s grow up.
Let’s stop pretending we don’t know the deal here.
Or if we truly haven’t noticed, let’s wake up and notice.
Look: Everything that can be lost, will be lost.
It’s simple — how could we have missed it for so long?
Let’s grieve our losses fully, like ripe human beings,
But please, let’s not be so shocked by them.
Let’s not act so betrayed,
As though life had broken her secret promise to us.
Impermanence is life’s only promise to us,
And she keeps it with ruthless impeccability.
To a child she seems cruel, but she is only wild,
And her compassion exquisitely precise:
Brilliantly penetrating, luminous with truth,
She strips away the unreal to show us the real.
This is the true ride — let’s give ourselves to it!
Let’s stop making deals for a safe passage:
There isn’t one anyway, and the cost is too high.
We are not children anymore.
The true human adult gives everything for what cannot be lost.
Let’s dance the wild dance of no hope!~ Jennifer Welwood, The Dakini Speaks
Now that we aren't slowly killing ourselves with drugs and alcohol, we would make very different decisions about what we would do if faced with deciding what to do on our last days. I think that now it is clear that living life sober makes each day worth so much more. Great reflections! Beautiful essay.