It's My Birthday
... and on growing old(er)
“For old people, beauty doesn’t come free with the hormones, the way it does for the young… It has to do with who the person is.” ~ Ursula K. Le Guin
I have read somewhere that to “become a person worthy of old age is the triumph of life.” Well, I made it to 44, just the other day, on June 27th. Last year, for my forty-third birthday I have experienced a strange, and new to me, inner knowing that it was half of my (current) life. That would mean that I am in the second half of my life now. And, I am finding out that the task of finding meaning in the second half of my life seems to be my priority.
We live in the culture that deeply fears and denies the unpredictable and often chaotic inevitability of growing older; culture that handles it like a disease to be treated with medicine and procedures, desensitized it with botox and variety of other drugs. And we all, one way or the other, buy into it, while somehow forgetting that to grow old at all is a precious gift and immense privilege; privilege that the vast majority of humans populating the, not that lengthy, history of our young species didn’t have luxury to experience.
I have listened a while ago a podcast episode with Ram Dass’s teachings from the sixties, where he spoke of the aging lines, and how our society is doing everything it can in order to eliminate them with the numerous cremes and serums and all kinds of things, in order to make us look younger. It’s like a total denial of natural change. But, instead of this, we could wear these lines proudly, as our badges of honor - they do show, ultimately, how much we have lived, how resilient we have become, how long we have lived so far and how much that, in itself, is a success. In the same way people from certain countries don’t know that they are poor simply because they haven’t seen anything different, or women from lower socioeconomic statuses in old London didn’t understand why the doctors are offering them epidural (a pain relief drug) during labor since they did not connect labor with pain, wouldn’t it be refreshing if we would look at all those “aging markers” as something natural, even something worth celebrating …
“The main thing is this — when you get up in the morning you must take your heart in your two hands. You must do this every morning.” ~ Grace Paley
Life is less about our age - the number itself - and mostly a matter of how we carry ourselves; how we hold our hearts, our fears, our forgivenesses, hopes and doubts — along the sequence of the years, and the order of time. It’s more about courage, charms, permission, determination and trust. It is more about wisdom and knowledge. And the world, this life we are living, has been educating us all along. As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Big Magic: “You are not finished; you are merely ready … If you are still here - if you have survived this long - it is because you know things.”
I must say, I am fortunate enough that I’ve never carried my age as a burden, shame or even a disappointment. Occasionally, I had (and still have) thoughts that I should be somewhere else or someone else, and that I should have accomplished more. I never lied about my age, and never secretly wished that I was younger (or older, for that matter). I would have not in a million years want to go back to my teens, twenties, or even early thirties. Those times were often fun, carefree and even rebellious in a way, I admit; but they also kept me deeply unhappy, unconscious, confused, and unaware. Those years played a big role - a really significant one for the entirety of my life - to bring me down to my knees, make me want more from my life and, sometimes brutally, instill a change in me. I wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for those exact years. So, I am absolutely not in denial about their value and I don’t want to pretend as if I was always such a wise and awaken woman; but, I do not wish I was any younger than I am. (As a matter of fact, I can’t wait to see what sex will be like in my fifties if it’s this good the older I get).
And, if I have done anything well in this lifetime - and I still am doing it - that is going inward, awakening awareness and consciousness of my true self and remaining curious. It helped me, and still is helping me, in defining myself. There are few identities that are very clear to me, others that I am merely aware of and some that still haven’t appeared …
I’m a woman.
I’m a daughter.
I’m a teacher.
I’m a writer.
I’m a therapist.
I’m a lover of people.
I’m a student of yoga and Buddhism.
I’m a student of life.
I’m from many places.
I’m my own home.
I’m not perfect.
I’m not fully aware of what and who I am, and what I want to be when I grow up, but I am curious and excited to find out!
“Old age is not a necessary end to human life.
A particular value has sometimes been given to old age for social or political reasons. For some individuals — women in ancient China, for instance — it has been a refuge against the harshness of life in adult years. Others, from a pessimistic general outlook on life, settle comfortably into it… The vast majority of mankind look upon the coming of old age with sorrow and rebellion. It fills them with more aversion than death itself.
And indeed, it is old age, rather than death, that is to be contrasted with life.
~ Simone de Beauvoir
Growing old is not yet another project for us to complete; not something one can attempt to do actively and religiously, and then master it, get really good at it. It is simply a reality, certainty— something to be experienced and felt on its own terms, something that we spend our whole lives practicing for. And, paradoxically, even though we practice for it for decades, we somehow still manage to fail in it by being disappointed, rebelling against it, rejecting it and resenting it.
Recently, while in an intimate setting (read: in bed, getting ready to have sex) with a man ten years younger than me, as we were discussing safe sex options, he, in a very relaxed and reassuring manner, said “well, you don’t have to worry about anything, chances of you getting pregnant are probably very slim”. And, although, he was right, and additionally I am not considering having children - but boy, I felt that statement like a punch in my throat. How dare he discuss my reproductive system (and my age)?! I was so surprised by my own reaction as I have never experienced it before. I am not sure if it was shame or embarrassment, or just a good old anger and rejection of accepting my reality - but I am certain it was instilled in me, unconsciously, but this society of ours.
There are moments in the natural process of getting older which are difficult to be accepted and embraced - especially for women. It has been a whole journey watching how getting older affects the way I see myself and my body. Nothing much was changing till I hit forty. Since then, my body just isn’t the same; my jeans size don’t match my expectations, and I can’t eat muffins and pasta as freely as I once could. I have to take care of myself much more than I needed in the past. It certainly can be devastating to know that there are hormonal and bodily changes I don’t have full authority over. But, when you think about it, this is just another example of how we actually don’t control anything - especially not our own birth, aging and death - and how that actually might be the biggest issue for most humans.
“Growing, ripening, aging, dying — the passing of time is predestined, inevitable.
There is only one solution if old age is not to be an absurd parody of our former life, and that is to go on pursuing ends that give our existence a meaning — devotion to individuals, to groups or to causes, social, political, intellectual or creative work… In old age we should wish still to have passions strong enough to prevent us turning in on ourselves. One’s life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others, by means of love, friendship, indignation, compassion.” ~ Simone de Beauvoir
Little over a year ago I started therapy with a Jungian analyst. I have been in therapy off and on since I was twenty, but this is the first time that I have engaged with the workings of a depth psychology. I simply think I was ready at that moment to dive right in and look at the conscious and the deep unconscious aspects of me, and how they could be integrated. Additionally, by hitting my midlife, I have felt that I have entered something that I thought is a “midlife crisis” (as this society unskillfully reveals to us) - only to learn that Jung calls this process an individuation - a lifelong process of becoming more and more the person we were always meant to be - and not what our parents intended or, god forbid, what the society intended.
Jung calls individuation “an unconscious natural spontaneous process”, a relatively rare process “only experienced by those who have gone through the wearisome but indispensable business of coming to terms with the unconscious components of the personality.” Unfortunately, many people never get to undertake this journey in their lifetime as there is a lack, for most people, of this sense of permission to lead their own lives freely. Additionally, it can be dark, heavy and painful.
James Hollis, a Jungian psychoanalyst, in his book “Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life” offers some controversial questions that our life is continuously addressing to us, and that are particularly significant for the process of individuation. These questions are presented to us throughout our lifetime, but most people don’t stop and listen to what their inner response is …
Whose life have you been living?
Why, even when things are going well, do things feel not quite right?
Why do you believe that you have to hide so much, from others, from yourself?
Does this path enlarge or diminish you?
Why does the idea of your soul trouble you, and feel familiar as a long-lost companion?
Why is the life you are living too small for the soul’s desire? … (Intriguing, right?!)
James Hollis speaks of individuation as something that is characterized by “an overthrow of the ego’s understanding of self and world, and a rather demanding invitation to live more consciously in the second half of life”. Isn’t this beautiful?! Growing older (hopefully) involves knowing ourselves more (at least for those of us who are lucky or more precisely, determined and courageous). With age comes the earned wisdom which brings grace, dignity and depth into our lives. As, when we live without meaning, when we live a life that constricts meaning, “we suffer the greatest illness of all”, the one that wounds the soul.
“Meaninglessness inhabits fullness of life and is therefore equivalent to illness. Meaning makes a great many things endurable - perhaps everything.” ~ Carl Jung
This is what the middle age is for - the courage for becoming oneself. But, as it turns out, this is the path for the brave; for those who are ready for doing scary things. And, I don’t mean bungee jumping or shark cage diving - although if this is your jam, please proceed with it - no, I mean facing your fears. Man, I used to have so many, you wouldn’t believe …
I was afraid I have no talent.
I was afraid I will be criticized, rejected or misunderstood.
I was afraid that there will always be those who do things better than me.
I was afraid that I am not being taken seriously.
I was afraid that I don’t have it in me.
I was afraid I will disappoint others (especially my parents and close friends).
I was afraid that I am not smart enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not educated enough …
I was afraid that I will not appear authentic, unique and cool (whatever the fuck “cool” meant).
I was afraid that I was too young or too old for things.
Oh, the list goes on and on and on …
When I was almost two and a half years sober, I had a relapse. For a while I was trying to accredit it to my own conscious doing - like I made a conscious decision to start drinking again as I graduated from a sobriety program. However, with time, I realized that the biggest reason for me going out (relapsing) was due to my friend’s discomfort around my sobriety. Despite all her well intentions, she simply didn’t think that I needed to be sober, that I am unable to work with the alcohol and drugs. After all, how can a woman as intelligent, educated and spiritual as I am be a slave to alcohol and drugs? Well, I have listened to her doubts and they became mine. I relapsed shortly after this discussion. Luckily, I came to my senses and, four months later, I was back in recovery. I don’t mean to put responsibility to my friend, absolutely not. I am merely pointing out that I didn’t believe in my own intuition, I did not listen to my own soul; rather, I cared too much what others think and how they feel about my life and my decisions and choices. And how many times we do this in our lives …
But, none of this matters to me today. At least not in the way it used to. I am not completely over it, I admit, I still have my moments of doubt and low self-esteem - like I still secretly look at my Substack profile and check the number of subscribers and likes, but it doesn’t affect my decision to keep on writing and showing up no matter what people think about it. I still think of those around me when I am about to make a life-changing decision, but it does not prevent me from putting that decision to reality. Overall, I feel like my own person more and more, each day. And, I wish you the same.
May you get to know true yourself in this lifetime.
May you live your life fully and truly to your own soul.
May you receive what you need.
“The second half of life presents a rich possibility for spiritual enlargement, for we are never going to have greater power of choice, never have more lessons of history from which to learn, and never possess more emotional resiliency, more insight into what works for us and what does not, or a deeper, sometimes more desperate, conviction of the importance of getting our life back.” ~ James Hollis
