just a bit about boundaries...

I was wondering… What is your default reaction when someone points a finger at you? Or when you perceive that you are being attacked and accused of something you haven’t said or done (at least you are unaware of doing it)? Do you even recognize when you are being unfoundedly attacked, or are you momentarily already way too deep into the feelings of guilt and shame, into blaming yourself and trying to figure out what was the thing that you have done and said, or into analyzing all the possible ways of how you could be responsible for the other person’s feelings? Do you get to pause at all and notice how this may have been other person’s interpretation of what has happened? How do you (if at all) find your inner voice and express your opinion and your boundary around what had happened?

I am also wondering… When you, by chance, recognize that you are being unjustifiably attacked, how do you respond? Do you respond at all, or do you react? If you reach, what is your usual reaction like? Do you get angry and fight back? Do you get caught up in explanations and justifications? Do you often end up spending a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault? Do you stop and calmly think of what is possibly your part, your responsibility, in the situation and try to respond in an appropriate manner? Do you, at some point, look at the other person and say “Hey, this is not OK, I am putting stop to this, and this is my boundary, my limit”? How are you with expressing your boundaries, with having difficult and uncomfortable conversations, with telling others when you are NOT ok with something that they have said or done? More precisely, how are you with expressing your boundaries, limits and needs to a close person - a friend, partner, parent - especially when these require you to say “no” to something that a dear one might want or might not be aware of doing? And how often do you feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems? So many questions…

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“Healthy Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others. People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors: those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others and those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions. Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together.” ~ Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

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How my friend Ari sees me, Bali, 2021.

I had a situation with a dear friend of mine recently where I felt attacked and accused of something that I haven’t done. Interestingly, as soon as they shared with me what bothers them, how they felt, and how I hurt them - in a manner of dumping at me their emotional baggage, which actually disturbed me more than anything - I immediately went into a place of taking all the responsibility and feeling self-blame. I felt completely responsible for how they felt and in my mind I thought that I must have done something very wrong, even doubting myself. My initial reaction to similar situations in the past was to become defensive, and attack and fight back - I was never good at receiving any kind of criticism - be it constructive or not. Never. Then, lately, I have been finding myself in this, almost completely opposite, position where I tend to make myself small and guilty and overly responsible, no matter what. This happened in the attempt of seeing and understanding what my part in the situation is (which I still believe is the right thing to do in conflicts), but I allowed it to go to another extreme.

In situations like this, thoughts in my mind are doing something like this: “… I have probably done something wrong… I am responsible for this person feeling this way... I haven’t done things right... I should have done it differently... I am the one in our relationship who is more evolved and conscious, a student of Buddhism, yoga, a therapist and a person with a background in psychology, communication and conflict resolution - so, I should know better, I should be more understanding, I should not make a mistake like this, and I should be more skillful than this…” You get the idea. Well, guess what… This is an absolute and utter bullshit. This whole narrative is me that encourages me to stay small and quiet so that I don’t interrupt other people’s inner processes, so that I get to sit and analyze and think through while they don’t need to reflect really, so that I don’t have to embrace the largeness of my existence that I have been given, but rather stay small and allow others to seem large while undisturbed in their processes and without challenges in their life and relationships. It doesn’t make any sense. And it is not genuine.

I have basically had this narrative that I am often too much of something (too loud, imposing, direct, sensitive, rude, cold etc.) and that things that I do - and also how I do them - are not OK - since I was very young. (if you have been reading my previous posts you have probably picked up on this) My emotions were, at times, “too big”, I was “way too sensitive”, my reactions were “inappropriate”, my voice was “loud”, I was intense and imposing, and at times raw, unrefined and inconsiderate. The message that children internalize in these situations - and which becomes their own personal myth - is “don’t be you, be someone else”, or, in my case, also “dial it down a notch, be more adaptive, quiet, and cool, and not so opinionated”. Very early in life I have noticed that when I walk into a room and I am positive, optimistic, encouraging, and in a good mood, most people tend to gravitate towards me - I attract them and shine their own light back to them. Alternatively, when I am not in a good mood, things are equally dramatic. I bring a big dark cloud in with me and everyone who is in my vicinity feels it - I guarantee you. People start tiptoeing around me, they become very cautious not to disrupt me. I have been told that I can be intense and that people are sometimes intimidated by me.

In the moment when the incident with my friend happened, I was unable to think. I wasn’t really paying attention to how I am feeling initially and I made a mistake by immediately responding (maybe even reacting) in a very cool, rational and intellectual manner. It took some time for my psyche to process things on a somatic level - without the ego, small, self - and I woke up feeling anger and upset. These feelings took over my whole body - at first I couldn’t make sense of them, since, on an intellectual level I didn’t think that the situation was dramatic enough to make me feel that way. But, it did. And, in this particular instance my friend and I both took some time to each look at ourselves and our behaviors, and have a conversation, a dialogue, about it. Luckily, we are both conscious and self-aware individuals, and things are good between us. Things are probably even better than they were, as we’ll be better in expressing ourselves in the future.

However, this whole theme made me reflect… Is it up to us to deal with someone else’s feelings of intimidation? Is it my responsibility that someone else is projecting their own emotional stuff onto me? Similarly, is it my responsibility to bring out that sun every single time I come out among people? Absolutely not. Don’t get me wrong - I am not saying that we shouldn’t care about other people, their feelings and that we shouldn’t be kind and considerate. We should - but only if we do all of this for ourselves as well. I am saying that when we encounter people in our life, it is ourselves who need to be curious about the emotions, interpretations, projections, and sensations that come up inside of us. It is US who need to explore our own judgments, projections and interpretations - not that other person. We are responsible for things that we are feeling. If those things are related to others, we can have a conversation with the other and share what is going on for us, but not in a way that puts them in a place where they have to take care of us or feel responsible.

It can be especially difficult at times to set up appropriate boundaries when you are a woman - there is something about our psychology. An Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist, and founder of the school of individual psychology, Alfred Adler, considered women to be equal to men, and he described the belief that they were inferior as a myth. According to Adler, men - since they were the ones who had to do most of the fighting to protect the group they lived in - extended this conflict and feeling of power to the defeat of women. Ever since the old times men have enjoyed privileges that were denied to women, and this has been perpetuating primarily through use of force (or the threat of force), as well as indoctrination and education. Most women, in fact desire the privilege that men enjoy. Some don’t. A lot of men, those who are not so dominant and masculine, often desire it, as well. It is entirely cultural that the male gender role involves strength, knowledge, physical activity, whereas the female gender role involves submissiveness, weakness, the desire for physical and emotional closeness, etc. In reality, as children, we all display some degree of all of these traits, but society directs boys toward the male role, and girls toward the female role. Freud believed that women who display masculine traits were neurotic. If you think about it, many people believe this today. However, Adler attributes the neurosis of most women to something that he calls “masculine protest” - initially female infants are helpless and inferior, and must begin to strive for superiority as they grow older. So, let’s strive for being more expressive, opinionated, strong, and even aggressive when needed.

NA meeting, Ubud, Bali, 2020.

Something else important came up for me during this process. In my early recovery, soon after I joined 12-step programs and I was more active member of these communities, I have taken the suggestions very seriously. Namely, 12-step programs often speak about addicts’ responsibility towards other people and their lives. More precisely, how addicts, as dysfunctional as they usually are, tend to hurt others and need to become more aware of this and make amends for their behaviors. As much as I agree with the idea of amends - for taking responsibility for our behaviors and actions, and also because amends serve us in our personal evolution - there is another side to this. Many of us have already spent our whole lives wondering, doubting, questioning, analyzing, and processing all the ways in which we have affected others, and the last thing that we should be doing in our recovery is spend more time beating ourselves up for that. I needed to start thinking about myself, and what I want, for once.

12-step programs often tell us that addicts are self-centered, selfish and narcissistic, basically. I deeply disagree. Anyone can demonstrate these traits from time to time, and, as a matter of fact, everyone does. Addicts are people who are very confused and in deep pain. Additionally, addicts are sensitive creatures - probably more sensitive than most - and they don’t know any other way but to be self-destructive and in that process we often pull others down with us. This has nothing to do with addicts being innately assholes and bad people, disrespectful and careless. It has all to do with them being wounded children in the bodies of adult people who do not know how to live life. And they don’t need to be shamed and attacked for this, but rather given opportunities to change these patterns. What addicts often need the most is to learn to respect, love and stand up for themselves. They need good boundaries, assertiveness, they need safe and closed containers for their relationships, they need to learn self-care and self-love, they need to start respecting themselves and their needs. Then, and only then, they will be able to approach others in the same manner and to nurture quality and healthy relationships.

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Marina