kink, BDSM & depth psychology
"We do not make our fantasies, they make us." ~ James Hillman
Dark rooms, red lights, music (often heavy metal or such) in the background. Spanking benches, chains and cages, medical examination corner, St. Andrew’s cross, massage table, beds with bondage restrains for arms and legs, rigs for rope suspension, floggers, whips, pedals, dragon tails hanging on the walls, wax, fire and needles, sex toys, smell of leather, sweat and tears… A dungeon…
The scene… this word has such power in the BDSM and kink world - it opens the door to the incredible world of imagination and fantasy. And these two are of an essential importance to both BDSM/kink and depth psychology. Scenes are controlled and carefully facilitated reenactments of fantasies; there is negotiation part, the play itself, and aftercare. The scene happens in a specific place and time that is set aside from one's typical life. And still, those involved in it often happen to return to their ordinary world different, changed.
Kink and BDSM are most often defined as alternative sexualities or radical sexualities - really, any sexual behavior or practice that falls outside of standard sexual practices and norms. They represent a broad diversity of activities, as well as relationships and dynamics, that are interconnected in some blend of eroticism, sexual expression, and, most often, a very structured power exchange (an organized and agreed imbalance of authority). BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, Domination and submission, and sadism and masochism, and kink is more an umbrella term that applies generally to a variety of interests and activities around particular fetishes.
Some examples of kink are role play, age play, fear play, rope, cuckolding, impact play, exhibitionism etc. BDSM encompasses many activities that would be considered kinks or fetishes - such as spanking, using handcuffs or rope, inflicting pain, controlling pleasure, humiliation etc. For some, BDSM is a lifestyle within a primary committed relationship. However, for many others involved in kink, it means more periodic participation in "scenes," where the fantasy aspect is more distinctly visible.
“Many of the elements of kink and BDSM resemble images and themes that are present in world mythology and dreams. The similarities suggest that radical sexualities are powerful, pleasurable, and transformative because they are connected to deeper, sometimes ominous, archetypal structures in the psyche.” ~ Douglas Thomas, The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink
These scenes tell stories which carry intense and very often contradictory feelings, emotions and sensations - pain and pleasure, humiliation and empowerment, restriction and liberation, fear and desire. People who are involved in them get to fulfill their deepest and often, darkest, fantasies, and longings; they get to explore the hidden parts of their nature and often enter a dream-like state or a space resembling a trance. These experiences can sometimes lead to a deeper personal transformation, and other times simply bring a relief and a pause from everyday reality, struggles, and life challenges.
In depth psychology, soul suggests the realm of the unconscious - the hidden and unseen - just like dreams and fantasies. Thomas Moore, a psychotherapist influenced mainly by C. G. Jung and James Hillman, saw the connection between BDSM and the soul and claimed that Marquis De Sade’s tales - which combine graphic descriptions of sex acts, rape, sexual torture, murder and abuse - are psychologically so powerful, moving and precious as they face us with the most hidden fundamentals of the soul’s fascination with eroticism. Although it may not be obvious to some kink and BDSM practitioners, or even some psychotherapists (the soul carers) - there is an intermixing between the deep psyche (soul) and sadomasochism. The mysterious scenes of the soul’s making - process of developing the soul through learning from suffering, and also through deepening and broadening one’s life - involve combining of cruelty, brutality and humiliation with primal sexuality.
For those outside the world of BDSM, these images can provoke deep feelings of disgust, or discomfort to say the least. The elements of humiliation, inflicting pain, degradation, taking over the control, all may invoke fear and repulsion. And this makes sense considering that the paradox of the pleasure and pain coexisting well together is the fundamental component of BDSM. And, as much as the practitioners find pleasure and exhilaration in breaking social norms and cultural taboos, they haven’t been coerced and forced into anything they don’t want to and didn’t agree to do.
"If you want the most out of your kink, treat it as psychological work. Step back; reflect." ~ Douglas Thomas, The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink
I am personally not a fan of quantified research and studies - especially not when it comes to psychology. Nevertheless, in his book The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink, Douglas Thomas mentions a few studies that show interesting influence of kink and BDSM on their participants. One study showed that performing consensual activities in the kink and BDSM community may result in lowering the stress hormone cortisol as well as creating a closeness and intimacy between the participants. BDSM members often feel intense trust among each other. Researchers have also found that these people are “well adjusted, happy, and emotionally resilient people”. This doesn’t mean that members of the kink and BDSM world necessarily wish this lifestyle to become a mainstream - absolutely not. By doing so, kink and BDSM would likely loose their erotic and exciting power, the one that they extract from the transgression and violation of the cultural norms and expectations.
As a BDSM practitioner and kinkster myself, through depth psychology I have been encouraged and empowered to explore what lies beneath my pull to engage in transgressive sexuality, to step back and look at my experiences more consciously, to engage in introspection, reflection, and ethical evaluation. As a mental health professional and intimacy and sexual surrogate practitioner, I am additionally interested in exploration of alternative sexualities of my clients from a depth psychology perspective. Through all these experiences, I wish to continue doing my own soul work, and avoid any personal tendency to criticize, stigmatize and pathologize those clients who wish to explore kink - no matter how much their kinks might be different than mine (and especially then). As Jung said, “I have had to recognize that I must submit to what I fear; yes, even more, that I must even love what horrifies me”… “You are a slave of what you need in your soul”…
There always will be questions - what are we coming in with? What is trying to emerge? What's not visible to the world and very often to ourselves? Where are we moving toward, despite of ourselves? As Moore says it beautifully, “To really love a soul, even if it's weird and strange”. Whatever it is, to appreciate it.
“The archetypal dwells in the aesthetic presentation of the here and now. What is archetypal about BDSM? The archetypal brings an exquisite intensity to the patterns of play, it brings meaning and value to suffering, it transforms ordinary rooms into dungeons, it summons the shadowy complexity of love, and it illuminates the mystery of death. There is something mythic at work in BDSM, and something of BDSM at work in the world of myth.” ~ Douglas Thomas, The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink
Depth psychology is considered to live within a soul-centered approach. The concept of soul here is so spacious and at the same time incredibly intimate and personal. The vastness and spaciousness come from the archetypal nature of soul - this basically means that we find our personal struggles, challenges and life experiences to be present in the universal themes of our favorite stories, myths, legends, movies, books, songs etc. But we need to be careful here, and not look at things literally - which is why in kink and BDSM there is consent and the rules, agreements, safe words, negotiations and many structures. We do not blindly take all of our fantasies and enact them - this would be insane and incredibly harming. We examine them first within personal ethics, we create a container for them, and then execute them. Similarly, pain brings pleasure, in a very non-literal way. What conventionally is considered to be painful is now, at the same time, pleasurable. It’s the tension of the opposites, the holding of contradictions.
Soul-centered also means being focused on the images, and what kinksters and BDSM practitioners are enjoying the most is basically a fantasy role-play which is in its nature strongly influenced by images.
“Soul comes into the world through darkness, through coldness, through the cruel and the twisted, through debauchery and perversion, and through the sacrifice of innocence. Soul also comes into the world through love...” ~ Douglas Thomas, The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink
We ordinarily think about love in a certain way. But, love brings to life all kinds of things - the mystery, the often irrational longing, and the madness too. As a matter of fact, it is the irrational aspect of love that binds it with the soul. Just like soul, love is also an obscure concept which we feel living in us but we don’t completely and fully understand. In its essence, love shows up in kink and BDSM as a feeling but also as an archetypal force. It may not seem like this to those observing these communities from the outside, but from the inside - there is longing, passion, intimacy, love, deep connection, caring and trust. It is often confusing, as well. Nevertheless, it makes an intense and authentic experience, with a powerful moving force. Love often emerges, but not the kind of love people usually have in mind - more like a mysterious, agonizing, love known to the Underworld.
Hillman wrote, "Initiation as a transformation of consciousness about life involves necessarily a transformation of consciousness about sexuality.” Eros, which according to Jung represents a desire for interaction and connection with others, is about the psychological; and psychology is also erotic. Sexuality is much more than genital pleasure, penetration and orgasm. According to Douglas Thomas, “Sexuality is also about curiosity, desire, overwhelm, suffering, dread, and ambivalence”.
For Jung, the sex drive (or libido) was an expression of an archetypal life force - it includes sexual energy but it’s not only focused on it. It is a vital force that carries deep symbolic meaning and can manifest in many different areas of life - like creativity, intellectual pursuits or even spiritual growth. He also considered that a healthy libido is essential for one’s individuation process. According to Jung, the concept of individuation was of a fundamental importance to all people. So, the question then is - how could kink and BDSM practices contribute to someone’s psychological transformation? We must remember that Jung considered soul to be the superior element which influenced one’s conscious life. The more we get in touch with our own soul, the more individual we become. And we do become more odd and unconventional in this process - the more we care for our soul.
Jung spoke of the two forms of adaptation that one needs to embrace in their life - to the societal norms and expectations, but also to their own, inner, conditions and life. There is a connection between a transgression in kink and BDSM, and the process of individuation. As Thomas beautifully says it “Through transgression, we are transformed, and we become more deeply aligned with the archetypal forces that shape our unique being. We come closer to the realization of our individual and unique wholeness." Kink and BDSM present an opportunity for any individual to reclaim those discarded parts of their inner life that are countercultural in nature yet psychologically necessary for them to gain self-knowledge and move toward becoming a whole person. As Jung once said, “If one only lives a half or a third of life, what is the use of living? What is its meaning? Life only has meaning when it is really lived.”
“We come to understand that to participate in kink is to obey the soul's call to actualize the feelings and thoughts associated with sadism and masochism, to bring soul into the world through suffering, endured and inflicted, to actualize the paradoxical confluence of suffering and pleasure. We come to recognize that there is something thrilling about the sense of violating taboos, of eroticizing the immoral, of engaging in something forbidden, something ordinarily viewed as evil.” ~ Christine Downing
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Until we meet again,
Marina
Thank you so much for restacking me 🙏❤️ @eduardo 🕷️