my partners have other partners
... and we all know about it
Before I continue with this week’s post, I wanted to let you all know that I am moving my weekly post to Wednesday! After writing for almost year and a half, and experimenting with different days while trying to figure out the most optimal day for my post to come out, I realized that Wednesday might be that perfect day. So, if you are reading my posts regularly, expect them on Wednesdays from now on.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s move on to more juicy stuff… I want to talk about dating and relationships this week; more precisely, about dating multiple people, and about being in a relationship with more than one person - ethical (also called “consensual”) non-monogamy as well as polyamory. While all polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, not all ethical non-monogamy is actually polyamory. I haven’t written much about it, but I have been (very) actively dating this past year, and I have been involved in several relationships. I realized recently that I have been writing often about sex and love, addiction, relationships, and life - but, I haven’t said much about my own personal experience when it comes to dating and relationships lately.
If I am being sincere, I don’t really know how to date - I never did. I also don’t really know how to be in relationships - that thing doesn't come naturally to me - and I spent a significant time of my adult life being single. Also, no one teaches you relating when the time comes to learn these skills, and so we learn by observing others and through our own trials and mistakes. And, I had plenty of those… Additionally, people didn’t really date in Serbia - at least not during my youth, and certainly not in a way that people date in the US. So, I wasn’t exposed to it, and I certainly wasn’t exposed to many healthy relationships.
None of my friends in Serbia date, and most of them weren’t ever dating. Romantic and sexual life for most of us looked something like this: we would meet a person, have sex with them very quickly (like, right away), and then if we like having sex with them we would continue with it, and if we don’t, we would stop having sex with that particular individual. Then, most often we would have sex with other people at the same time, and slowly we would continue having sex with only one of those candidates, and after a while we would assume that they are doing the same - having sex with only us (which very often would not be true). Sometimes people would have a conversation about this, most often not, though. So, with that assumption that we are now “exclusive” we would graduate into a “relationship”. It would most often be automatically assumed that this is a monogamous thing. And, that’s it! Then this relationship would most likely go on until people would move in together, get married or start sleeping with other people (not in an ethical non-monogamous way) and eventually break up. Frequently, instead of breaking up, there would be parallel relationships going on for years, which was something that I have experienced with my first real boyfriend. This briefly paints a picture of the point of reference in my youth.
I personally haven’t had a lot of those healthy relationships which end up with a grown up conversation about potentially moving in together and/or getting married. Aside from a few major ones, everything else was less serious and didn’t involve much commitment. I did, however, have a lot of sexual relations throughout my life (way more than I can remember!). I’ve experimented so much, but somehow, for the most part I would always end up in a conventional monogamous structure in the end. Only to end up - even faster - out of it.
I have been engaged several times (with different people) and I have been married (more than once). And, please, know that only because I was engaged (and married) it does not mean that it was well thought out and carefully considered - at least not on my part. In spite of the significant experience, I wouldn’t say that I have been successful in relationships. And it took me a while - most of my adult life - to honestly look deep into the potential shadow around relationships. Maybe it was because somewhere deep down I have always known that conventional ones aren’t for me, maybe because my partners weren’t “the right ones”, possibly because most of the couples around me had shitty relationships… but also probably because I didn’t really want to be in a relationship.
Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on the meaning of relationships in my life - do I actually want to be in a relationship, what do I have to offer to my relationships, how and why I want to be in it, and what I wish to receive from it - or should I say from “them”. As my life unfolds I have been openly relating to more than one individual - I have been exploring polyamory, and certainly ethical non-monogamy. If you find it difficult being in a relationship with one person, try being with multiple people! But, as I said, I am exploring; I am familiarizing myself with these concepts - traveling through the unknown lands. I might not be good at this, it may end with tears and broken hearts, bruised egos and difficult conversations - nonetheless, I am very committed to this adventure. And, so far, it’s been exhilarating.
Nature of these relationships varies - some are simply sexual, others are focused on a particular kink/fetish, some are romantic and sexual, and some are simply platonic, friendly, and oriented towards a mutual interest or a hobby. They enrich my life in so many ways, and bring novelty and a sense of adventure - and many new friends and communities. Additionally, they all teach me patience and a great practice of honesty, openness, boundaries, and authenticity. They also trigger many young wounds, and bring up a lot of negative feelings like anxiety, jealousy, insecurity, envy, fear etc. Being intimate with multiple people requires a lot of skill - not to mention time! One of my partners likes to say “love is limitless, but time is not”.
The thing that was so strange and very uncomfortable for me in the very beginning was the fact that all of these relationships are known to all of my partners. You see, in the past, I used to be engaged in non-ethical non-monogamy - and this would imply a lot of lying, cheating and manipulating, as well as being unauthentic and dishonest. However, what I am experiencing these days is very different - me and my partners are all aware of what is going on, and we communicate openly about things. This doesn't mean that there won’t be any problems and challenges - quite the opposite. Nevertheless, in my experience, these relations involve much more communication than any other relationship I ever had in the past.
There are conflicting thoughts and opinions about polyamory. Some tend to believe that it is just a “legitimate” way to fuck around and be with multiple people without taking any responsibility for one’s actions and without “committing” to a relationship. Others tend to think that humans are biologically not monogamous, that we can love multiple people at the same time, and therefore, it is more natural to have more than one partner. This opinion also takes into a consideration that it is unnatural that one person can be everything to us and respond to all of our needs, but rather that we can have different needs met from different people. No matter where you stand on this topic, the way people understand and practice polyamory (and ethical non-monogamy) differs from person to person. Each relationship is different as each individual has different needs, desires, as well as overall ideas about polyamory. This is probably the thing I love most about this topic - the freedom to create one’s own rules and practices - for all of us need to know what we want, what we need, and what we are willing to offer to another human being.
No matter what your preference is, we could all agree that the traditional idea of pair bonding is dissolving these days. Yes, the truth is that in the evolution of the mankind there have been guidelines and expectations around how bonding may come about, and many might wonder why would we be messing with something that is so ancient and has been working for ages (although, has it really been working!?). Some scientific resources show that there are only 3% of the animals that pair bond, and yet, somehow, it has been a default for humans. If we look at humans across different cultures, we can certainly see that not all of us are monogamous. Some of it we can assign to biology, and some is our personal choices and evolution. The fact is that, for humans, sex is not only about the procreation - we do it for pleasure as well. However, all this is not the point of my post today. I am more curios about how the depths of the psyche are affected by all this. And, I might disappoint you when I say that I don’t have the answer to this question.
The thing is - pair bonding does not mean monogamy necessarily. In polyamory, we still are pair bonded - we still want to be connected to another being, no matter for how long. Through being with variety of partners we see that some pair bonding can be for a lifetime, and some for limited amount of time. Additionally, there is social, as well as sexual aspect of pair bonding. Traditionally, when we enjoy having sex with another person, we tend to formalize and institutionalize that relationship so we can have more of it - on a regular basis - and also so that we limit the access to that person to all the other people, and have that person only for ourselves. We want to have a conversation about exclusivity and commitment, and we want to know that we are the only person that there is for that other individual.
For many people, this is not the case. There are couples who decided to open their relationship and practice ethical non-monogamy. There are single people who enjoy dating as well as being deeply attached to more than one partner. Then there are those who engage in a kink play with multiple play partners, all the while they have only one romantic partner. And, so many more… Scenarios are limitless, and who’s to say that they are all wrong except of a traditional monogamous structure. Some still may wonder, however, if the poly thing is elevating the idea of just being able to have sex freely without any attachments or commitments. Granted, this may sound like it’s very ego-based and not necessarily very “ethical”. But this is not the only theory around polyamory. It is only one of many.
On the other side, there is a question if adopting the polyamory lifestyle can be a path towards individuating - to becoming one’s true genuine self? Could it be part of person’s individuation process? I don’t have the answer to this question, either. I just know that I have been on that journey myself, and I am curious to see where it takes me. I can say one thing, though - it can certainly help us leave behind and abandon so many (unhealthy and limiting) cultural norms that have kept us enslaved, imprisoned and inauthentic for a very long time. This lifestyle choice can be a way of revolution for a person, especially if it involves a great deal of consciousness. My fear is, however, that for many it may involve a great deal of unawareness, instead. For some it is a defense against intimacy. One can be too scared to really get intimate and face one person, so they choose to be “superficial” with many. Often we are unaware of this. Can this choice be an externalization of an internal conflict? Sure it can. I am still not completely certain of what it is for me personally, as I can recognize that - as someone who fears being intimate - I sometimes tend to choose partners with whom I won’t have to dig deep and be vulnerable. It took a lot of time to be able to see this, to have awareness around it, and to be able to admit it to myself and others.
There are many people who take polyamory as a very conscious statement of their lifestyle, after giving it a lot of thought. Certainly, one of the benefits of declaring it, is that helps those people be free of shame and stigma around it - they “legitimize” it so that they don’t have to hide (anymore). I can relate to this very much. I can’t say that I thought it out that much, but I can say that monogamous lifestyle - with all that it potentially involves - like moving in, getting married and/or having children - has always seemed so far away from what I wanted in life. I just couldn't find a way to explore something else, some other form of relating, so I tried to mold myself into that shape. And, unequivocally, almost always failed in these attempts. Is it because I am wounded and afraid of intimacy; because I cannot be vulnerable and deeply intimate with people; because this is truly my choice of a lifestyle; or a combination of all these… I don’t know (yet). And, quite honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is what feels right at the moment.
What I do know is that I spent so much time on “vanilla” dating sites in the past, only to find the same old patterns - people interested in infinite texting without meeting (basically a free material for masturbation); those who are tirelessly talking about wanting an intimate relationship instead of being honest and saying that what they are actually interested in is sex; those who don’t show up and bail either in the middle of - usually very intense - texting or on a first date or as soon as the other person lets the guard down and opens up; people who think that after they had sex with someone (assuming they don’t have any intentions in dating or marrying that person) it is NOT OK to share a cup of coffee with them, afterwards, or have a meaningful conversation; those who believe that an “easy” woman is not a keeper, and so on, and so on… I had a testing period where, if I am being asked what I am looking for on the dating app, I would simply say - sex. Men were completely stunned - almost all of them. Some would say that they never heard a woman say that; others would say that this is exactly what they are looking for (although a minute before, they said that they want a relationship assuming that I am looking for the same thing), and some would assume that I must be a slut who does not deserve respect or time to get to know to (but they would have time to send the dic pics). It is, quite honestly, sad to watch what happens on these site. I have no interest in showing up on any of them, ever again.
I have found my community - those who are open and curious about their own sexuality; kinky and queer ones; those who are curious about themselves and unafraid to express their deepest (and, often, darkest) desires without judgment; those who believe that traditional and conventional ways are not for everyone; and those who believe that friendships can go well together with being sexual with another person (as a matter of fact, this often makes it more deep and intimate).
Many questions still remain - for me definitely, as I am certain for many of you as well.
What is this idea of many loves, as a human phenomenon?
Can it sometimes be a defense and other times a creative adaptation?
There is certainly some area of morality or judgment around this, for many people out there. Why is this more offensive and outrageous to many people?
How is it much more than a fascination in our culture?
What are the psychological events that are covered by polyamory?
For me personally, the important questions, as well as opportunity for exploration, still remain:
How is the behavior of polyamory promoting good health of the psyche?
What is going on in the unconscious? It feels like unconscious is not always deeply engaged in people. Where is the shadow here?
How can an individual fully use this lifestyle to individuate?
I am choosing to stay open and curious. And, I wish the same to all of you - no matter what your beliefs and lifestyle choices are - as you may just discover that there is a lot to explore within the very lifestyle you choose to live.
As always, I am grateful for you reading me, following me, and for your subscription!
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Stay safe.
A hui kaua (Until we meet again),
Marina
