Nothing Much But A Few Updates...
“Before you begin the journey, you own the journey. Once you have begun, the journey owns you.” ~ Old Proverb
It is 10am PST on Sunday, November 12, and I have just now sat down to write my weekly offering. In case you weren’t aware of it, it comes out on Sundays, and I usually prefer to write it for several days and at several different sittings, when I feel particularly inspired and creative, or I employ some discipline. It is a rare occasion that I haven’t been writing at all because I simply didn’t find time. And it’s not that I couldn’t find time because I was working or creating, or planning, or doing necessarily things that would bring a future accomplishment, or make my future more certain or safe - which is what often happens especially when I hit the fear of financial and general life insecurity - it wasn’t like this at all. It’s just that for the first time in a very long time I was simply busy living. I was being alive and awake for every single thing that life had presented to me. And, I was enjoying it.
I am kind of a super organized, responsible and a bit obsessively disciplined individual. I have been like this my whole life. When I was drinking I would literally lead a double life - one dysfunctional, careless, reckless and often risky; and the other one where I would be this overly responsible human who would enroll courses and love to study and grow, complete grad school, never lose a job, always on time and who can’t stand others being flaky and irresponsible. It’s so strange. It was such a strong conflict that I often could not be with. When I got sober and started my two-year training for an Ayurvedic Practitioner, I remember my teacher highlighting to me how important it is for us to allow ourselves to stray from time to time from that discipline and regimen, to allow ourselves to drift and get lost in our life, so that we would learn how important it is for us but also to simply live our life. However, it can be difficult - especially to an alcoholic and addict - to choose the middle way and not fall into the extremes.
And so, I have been religious with my discipline and regiments, with my lifestyle, my dietary choices, my “good” habits (and with controlling my “bad” habits), my calendar and schedule and plans… I have been so fanatic with them at times that I would forget to simply live. I forgot to allow space and time for my life to happen, to show up for me. I forgot to allow space for events to be processed, for fears and hopes to be felt and understood, and for new lessons and insights to be integrated. If we don’t create space in our busy schedules and calendars, life won’t be able to present itself. It simply won’t find a way to do that - no space, no time to pause and see what needs and wants tending, no empty slots for enjoying doing nothing and embracing whatever comes…
Well, this pattern has been slowly changing for me in the last few months, but this week was the most obvious one. I just let go. Since Monday I have been somewhat responding to what is happening, and not really initiating or trying to control and force anything. There have been coaching course supervisory meetings, clients, emails, Zoom calls and figuring out the rent. There have also been long and frequent calls with friends who live far way, voicemails to my parents, conversations and coffees with friends who live close by, dates and socializing with new people, books and movies, and some news too. That is just what wanted to come and visit this past week. And, I have embraced it and welcomed it. No sense of urgency. No feelings of guilt for not being more productive. No pressure and pointless business.
So, here’s a quick update on my life! The last time I have done a similar post was in August...
Home Life
I am still in Ocean Beach (San Diego), California. More like, between Los Angeles and San Diego, to be precise. At this point, it is still completely unknown when I will be changing my place of residence. But, with a difference that I am OK with that. I am OK with not knowing, and I am absolutely OK with being exactly here. Till recently, this particular uncertainty was very challenging for me, it felt unsettling. And, then something shifted. When I reflect on things that are arising and happening daily, I really feel the need and the intention of the universe in putting me exactly where I am. At the end of the day, we are always exactly where we’re supposed to be. Mala still loves our walks by the ocean and the hippy life, and I enjoy dirty feet and those first rays of the sun that warm up my body since the nights are gotten much cooler.
Work Stuff
I have been seeing some of my old clients and also looking for new ones who would like to experience some deep soul searching through Jungian coaching. This course really is changing my life daily and I am excited to share it with a rest of you. I have been back and forth with the idea to start teaching courses again, but somehow the timing does not feel right. There is a lot of change in my life at the moment, and I think adding yet another weekly responsibility and obligation might bring additional stress and anxiety. So far, I am staying with what’s working. Plus, holidays are around the corner and, in my experience, people usually don’t start new things until the holiday season is over.
Health & Balance
I am noticing how much more energy I have lately. And, it’s not because I sleep very well or do yoga daily, not at all. It is because I am enjoying life and I feel alive! I actually haven’t been doing yoga daily, not even close as much as I would like to, and as I have been in the past; additionally, my sleep is pretty inconsistent and almost every night interrupted. I have been walking a lot and that is something that feels really good and brings me a lot of joy. Aside from being a physical activity, I enjoy exploring this neighborhood and people watching. Plus, it does not hurt that I get to watch beautiful Pacific Ocean sunsets daily.
Friends & Family
Being that I lived in a variety of places over the years and moved numerous times, countless people crossed my path. With such a nomadic and, often, hectic lifestyle, it is difficult to initiate, let alone deepen and keep a friendship. More and more I am realizing that friendships that do survive are the ones I put time maintaining and cherishing, regardless of the physical distance between us. And so I have been doing that lately. I make sure that I find time to check in with people, schedule calls and “online” dates, and stay close to them. Aside from this, I started opening up more to the idea of spending time with friends who don’t necessarily have a similar lifestyle to me, and who bring something completely new and fresh to me and my life. After all, isn’t that what keeping the beginners mind is all about?!
Spirituality, Sobriety & Recovery
What I have noticed during these past few weeks is that when I am enjoying life, when I am surrounded by and connected to other humans and the mother nature, and when I am present for my life, I tend to not engage in my compulsive patterns. Duh?! For example, often when I am alone and felling a deep sense of disconnect, sadness and meaninglessness, I tend to engage in disordered eating - I emotionally eat and it’ll most likely be sugar and salty junk food. I would not notice that I am stuffing myself with food until I numb completely that deep melancholy and the heaviness of the sadness of the whole world that resides in me. On the contrary, when I am connected and fulfilled, I almost feel no hunger at all - I could literally live on water - and when I do feel it, it is very transparent and direct, and it invites me to nourish myself - my soul and may body - rather than avoid the darkness of my feelings and stuff my body with junk food.
What’s Next?
Well, shortly, I don’t really know. All I know is that I will most likely remain in the States until the end of 2023. This was by no means my big plan when I came in February. But, guess what - as the old Yiddish proverb says, “We plan, God laughs”. What 2024 will bring remains still very unpredictable. But, I can’t wait to write about it as it unloads and reveals itself. Till then, may we all stay curious and open.
“… Life itself has no rules. That is its mystery and its unknown law. What you call knowledge is an attempt to impose something comprehensible on life.” ~ C.G. Jung, The Red Book: A Reader's Edition
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Stay safe. Marina
