Sex and Soul: the reflections
“Some say a squadron of horse, some, infantry,
some, ships, are the loveliest thing
on the black earth. But I say
it’s what you desire.” ~ Sappho
As I mostly write about those things that I either reflect upon deep inside of me or those that are happening and are current in my life, this week I am writing about love, sex and intimacy - but, primarily sex, really. Not, however, sex, as seen as a strictly physical and bodily-related phenomenon - not at all. But, rather, sex that is very much related and intimately connected to our bodies, emotions, mind and imagination, as well as our deep inner self (soul, if you wish). I have been reading a book by Thomas Moore called The Soul of Sex, and it’s been, to say the least, captivating and more than an appropriate inspiration for this post.
Moore argues that, contrary to a popular opinion that sex is merely physical, nothing really has more soul than sex. Even if sex is without love, “empty”, “meaningless”, a very brief and superficial encounter, and even if it is a manipulative act, it still produces serious effects on the soul as well as long-lasting feelings and sensations. As much as some of us may be taken and empowered, even, by the idea of free love and “no strings attached” - our soul has a life of its own, it wants what it wants, it feels what it feels, and we may not be able to have sex without deeper implications after all. I am not even talking about the situations like developed attachments, clinging, neediness, insecurities, unhealthy symbiosis, codependency, or anything like that. I am simply saying that even through a brief encounter with someone we’ve just met, we could potentially put ourselves in a complete emotional mess.
“Man has no Body distinct from his Soul for that calld Body is a portion of Soul discernd by the five Senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age.” ~ William Blake
Human body and soul are not separate. There is no such thing as a human body without an emotion, imagination, feeling, sensation. Our soul is something that can be uncovered and explored through the five senses of the body - touch, smell, hearing, seeing and tasting. Through a body, as a vessel, we can touch upon something that feels like it’s from another realm, another level of reality. It almost can feel like we are breaking through the limits of human experience, condition and limitation, and, instead, embarking on something eternal and god/goddess-like. As Moore puts it “Sex with soul is always a form of communion with another level of existence, and that quality alone may be a major reason for its compelling attraction.” It is like our soul needs to break free from this reality, from time and space - and travel somewhere where things are not of this world, and where they are timeless, instead.
Aside from this, in sex we get to know a person in such a different way than any other - intimate, special and vulnerable. Sex reveals so much of our unconscious parts and shadows, more than anything else, and it allows us to touch the very depths of our own being through the communion with the other. Again, regardless of the relationship with that someone, the length of it, and love - or lack of love - in that relationship. As Jung commented once “people think that eros is sex, but not at all, Eros is relatedness.” It is about that meaningful connection established by sex, and between those involved in it.
Isn’t it fascinating how when we long for someone or for a certain experience, we feel invited and we are so ready to make a move in order to disturb the way things are. The power of desire and the soul’s wishes is undeniable and so strong. I often think that this aspect of sex, attraction and desire is what, at the same time, can be so frightening for many - and maybe even paralyzing for some - as it can disturb the inner balance and harmony of our lives. But, it is also what keeps the life rich, animating, exciting, and what keeps us alive. There is such beauty and a vital force in sex and sexuality, and certainly they’re a big part of what gives us pleasure in our daily, humanly and transient lives.
“In sex we also discover the power and direction of our deepest desires. The pleasures we may find in sex - sweet sex, aggressive sex, inventive and explorative sex, sadomasochistic games, dressing and undressing, body parts and kinds of kissing, places and settings - all of these preferences, tied so closely to passion show us who we are, where our soul wants to lead us, and what our complexes, obstacles, and inhibitions look like.” ~ Thomas Moore
Unfortunately, these days, this beauty of sex and sexuality is a bit tainted, to say the least. The never satisfied cravings, the influence of porn and also the repression and thinking literally and negatively about our erotic and sexual lives, all cause that we are forgetting what our soul wants, and instead giving a superficial pass to our immediate appetites. What’s very common in our society is that sex is damaged by a deep-rooted misogyny and toxic masculinity, double standards for men and women in many cultures, shaming and condemning of women who love sex and enjoy receiving pleasure; additionally there is an unhealthy suppression of desire, passions and fantasies, as well as falling under the influence of all kinds of authorities which are judging pleasure and rooting for repression of our needs and desires. As Moore states in his book “Sex keeps us connected to our deepest nature and links us to our roots… Sex has the capacity to pacify our raging and distressed hearts - if only we would grant it its soul…”
Why is it, then, that we are so shamed and judged by society when we freely practice it and engage in it? Why is it that we are told what is “normal” and what is not? Why is it that we regularly neglect our desires and fantasize and, instead, follow the mainstream instead of swimming against it? It takes courage, above everything else. As well as self-knowing, openness and curiosity.
“Before we can give depth and richness to our sexuality, we have to discover the value of deep pleasure and desire and at the same time relax our anxious attention to the control of the emotions, the justification of our lives by work and restraint, and our belief in the value of repression and suffering.” ~ Thomas Moore
I can relate to those of you who don’t feel that there has been a connection between your bodies, the sex that you are having, and your soul. Hell, I can relate if you tell me you didn’t know you had a soul, and sex, for you, was this thing out there that you used to engage in compulsively, to distract yourself with, and primarily to “scratch the itch”. I can also relate to those of you who have engaged in it even when you didn’t want to, or maybe even when you felt like “you should do it”. I can relate to those of you who couldn’t say what you wanted, desired, needed and fantasized about, because you would be judged and called a “dirty slut”. And certainly to those of you who felt like a piece of flash on certain occasions. I have been there. Most of us have been there. But that is not what sex and sexuality are supposed to look like, to feel like.
The last time I had sex while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or in any mentally altered state was in 2014. It’s been a bumpy road since, a long heroine’s journey, but I have come to a point where I can welcome the inhibitions, work with the nervousness and occasional self-doubt and insecurity, and befriend the shame, embarrassment, jealousy, self-judgement, attachment, and clinging with curiosity and as an opportunity to look closely into myself and all those aspects of me that most of us tend to want to push away and disown. I can finally see what sex does for me, how much I receive the connectedness and relatedness through it, and how alive and vibrant it makes me feel. Most importantly, I am learning to say “no” and mean it; I am embracing expressing what I want, when I want it; and I feel absolutely empowered when I engage in sex that I want to have and not the (approved) one that society tells me I should have.
Keep loving and keep exploring!
“Body and spirit marry in the chapel of the soul. They marry every minute of every day, in all activities and in all inactivity, in all thoughts and in all actions, or they marry not at all. If they don’t marry, we do not know sexuality with soul, and therefore our sexuality remains incomplete and insufficiently human. We do not find the soul of sex by spiritualizing the body but by coming to appreciate its mysteries and by daring to enter into its sensuousness.” ~ Thomas Moore
“… And if the body does not do fully as much as the soul?
And if the body were not the soul, what is the soul?…
… There is something in staying close to men and women and looking on them, and in the contact and odor of them, that pleases the soul well,
All things please the soul, but these please the soul well…
… Be not ashamed women, your privilege encloses the rest, and is the exit of the rest,
You are the gates of the body, and you are the gates of the soul…
… O I say these are not the parts and poems of the body only, but of the soul,
O I say now these are the soul!” ~ From the poem “I Sing the Body Electric”, by Walt Whitman
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Stay safe. Marina
Sex is rarely talked about in 12 step meetings. A few, myself included, have the courage to talk about it aloud. The ‘pillars’ in the room staring at the floor scared shitless!! We all know there are sex related issues in the Shadow. Only those that want true freedom will go there. Lot’s of horny celebates out there!!
Thanks for ‘going there’!!! 💪