social butterfly or butterfly anxiety

Sep 13, 2024

“Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downswing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times, or you'll run out of dope or liquor and realize that it was all you ever had in common.” ~ David Sedaris, Naked

This past few weeks have been mostly about doing, moving, and socializing for me. There’s been a lot of movement, exchange of energy, running around from one thing to another, and much exertion. All that in the midst of a terrible heat wave. And, all of this doesn’t come as easy and effortless as it used to in the past; nor does it necessarily always feel nourishing in the end. Sometimes it depletes my energy tank instead of charging my batteries. Other times it feels good but I need several days to recover afterwards (how did I possibly do this when I was drinking?!). In any case, it affects me significantly and I feel a strong need to dedicate an extensive period of time for myself alone prior to, as well as after, meeting with other people and tending to other people’s needs. Even if those other people are family and close friends of mine, as well as people whose company I truly enjoy. Nevertheless, I recognize a strong need to be alone, still and quiet; watch movies, read books, take naps, ignore some text messages, and talk to my dog instead of another human being.

Oh, and one more thing - I require so much planning… I don’t remember the last time I said “yes” when someone asked me if I am available that same day, or evening. No way. I need a mental prep for everything and everyone. I need to check in with myself on all possible levels to see if that interaction will be too much for me or just about right, and how long it will possibly take me to rebalance afterwards. And, if it feels like too much - I ain’t going.

My friend’s recent disco-themed birthday party.

Most people used to know me as a social butterfly - always being out there, attending events, rarely missing out on fun and new experiences. Rather than belonging in one specific social group, I would be moving from one to another - with the exception of a few friends whom I was always very close to. It’s interesting how the expression “social butterfly” carries with it mostly positive and desirable qualities, whereas a “lone wolf/loner” often holds qualities like introvert or anti-social attached to itself (and why is introvert such a “bad” and undesirable concept?!).

Social butterfly would be this socially dynamic person, often charismatic and successful in social interactions and relations - most often communicative, positive and eager to communicate with others. Lone wolf or loner, on the contrary, would be someone who is more independent, enjoys solitude and prefers time for introspection and reflection over time to direct her energy outwards; someone who might stand alone at a party and observe instead of engage with many people. It seems very natural that we flow from a social butterfly to a more loner wolf kind of a state as we get older, if not even earlier in life, as it comes naturally for some people.

Maybe it shifted with time and age, maybe it’s due my work being such that I connect and speak with people on a regular basis and I would rather not be with people in my free time, maybe I just became more aware of my existing anxiety once I put booze and substances down - but I have noticed a significant change when I got sober and, with it, stopped attending so many social functions and events, as well as being around people with whom I did not necessarily have a deeper connection. I also realized how anxious I could get in large and loud groups, how overwhelmed my nervous system gets when there is a lot going on around me, and how quickly I would get tired and exhausted when a lot is going on around me - getting sober changed many things in my social life. At first it felt strange, very different from what I have used to, and I was often judging myself for my inability to remain the same. These days I am actually glad it happened that way, since it created more space for my relationship with myself, helped me connect with myself deeper, and get to know my needs more intimately.

Beginning of an evening is almost always fun.

“The introvert's anthem for not wanting to hang out is 'It's not you; it's me.”

~ Criss Jami, Healology

When I was part of a Buddhist recovery group, Refuge Recovery, back in 2017, I remember this program suggesting an extensive inventory for those (recovering addicts) who wanted to reflect in depth on their childhood, their behavioral patterns, habits, and conditionings. There are two inventories - one that covers the first Noble Truth (which basically states that there is suffering in this life), and the other one that speaks of the second Noble Truth (which says that there is origin of the suffering, which is attachment to desire). Second Truth Inventory calls for a deep reflection through one of many powerful questions - “When did you first feel like escaping your reality?”.

One of the very early ways for me (and I believe for many people) to escape reality was through being with other people - other kids, at the time. I remember clearly that I would very rarely be alone, and my mother used to shout after me “the street will raise you” each time I would be getting out of the house, and out in the street to meet other kids. When it was absolutely necessary that I play alone, I would most often end up talking to myself (as most children who are without siblings do, later I found out). The inventory helped me realize how much I wanted to escape my own internal states - my difficult feelings, and especially my obsessive thoughts. It also opened up for me this space in which I realized how much I didn’t like myself and my own company.

Then, there I go separating from the rest of them slowly and contemplating exit strategy.

All addicts dislike themselves, to say the least. Most are full of self-hatred. Engaging in their behavior/substance of choice helps them disconnect from their - most often painful - reality, and makes their life experiences more pleasant - often just not as painful. Don’t get me wrong - I am not saying that every social butterfly out there is an addict, but I am wondering what is the the social butterfly avoiding within themselves with that constant engagement with the outside world. I am questioning if every single encounter, conversation, gathering, party and event is an authentic desire to connect with the other person, or rather a great distraction from her own problems, struggles, pain… her own life. I know that for me this was the case. I wasn't even aware of my own anxiety till I stopped drinking and using, and distracting with other people. I didn’t really know myself.

Humans are social beings, true, but we cannot grow and evolve if we are constantly with others, and unaware of who we are without anyone else around. When we are routinely surrounded by other people, when we are nonstop in a “doing” mode and staying busy, when we don’t allow boredom to arise or have a low tolerance for boredom, and when we don’t tolerate quietude, silence and solitude - we are not really experiencing ourselves. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being bored, or being alone and listening to your own thoughts, and feeling your own feelings. It may be uncomfortable, yes, but not wrong. Not everything needs to be tended, fixed.

If we really listen, that fluttering feeling in our stomach might not be excitement or anticipation, but can show us how much we’re actually not enjoying what is going on around us and how much we would probably benefit from leaving.

Here’s to listening to your gut!

“And obviously my answer is no. My answer is: I have never in my entire life been free tonight, because if we haven't arranged it days in advance and I haven't spent the day mentally preparing myself for social interaction, I am not coming.
Your poorly arranged plans are of no interest to me.” ~ Holly Smale, Cassandra in Reverse

The Way of Persephone

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