soulmates
“I found [my soul] again only through the soul of the woman.” ~ C.G. Jung
Like most people, I too used to believe that a soulmate is that one person - that one other - who is destined to me, whom I will feel so connected to, that there will be no other possibility than for the two of us to remain together forever. This belief would ultimately presume that there is only one true love in life, that one is supposed to stay with their soulmate together forever, and that one can only love one person at a time (mind you, these beliefs have changed for me throughout my life). And so, my search for love and for that one perfect partner went on for years, decades even. In this process, I got engaged five times, and married few - all the while thinking about each of these men as if they were my soulmate at the time when I was with them.
“S” was my first love. And definitely one of the most tumultuous relationships I have ever experienced, colored by passion, love, hate, anger, deceive, betrayal, codependency and, eventually, a small death of me. If I learnt anything from this relationship, it is to trust my intuition - always. “R” was a Peter Pan, it was like being in a relationship with a child, someone who found it difficult to be an adult, and I was constantly assuming a role of a mother. He would lie, manipulate, and hide things from me - we were both often high and when I think of this time of my life, it all seems quite dark, with a lot of shadow, blackouts and lack of clear memory. “G” was amazing - caring, loving, and kind, and at the same time very much passive and indifferent when it would come to our (long distance) relationship. The relationship showed a lot of indecisiveness and guilt on my part. “W” has always been that one whose timeline never aligned fully with mine or conditions for us were just not right. He has been, however, one of the most influential people in my life, loving, accepting, curious, supportive, non-judgmental - and our relationship involved many heartbreaks, and a few beginnings and endings. And, finally, “P” - overly enthusiastic, always putting out a performance of a kind, and somewhat codependent and confused - definitely not as much as I was, since I was only 4 months sober when we got together. The relationship was short-lived, intense, chaotic, premature and rushed - it burnt intensely and short like a match.
These were only “soulmates” I was very close to be married to. I haven’t mentioned all of those whom I have considered to be soulmates, who - at the time - “felt” like a soulmate, but relationship did not last that long. When I look into all these relationships more closely, it is clear to me now that our deepest connections with others often teach us mostly about ourselves, actually. And, if we know how to integrate those insights, and we have enough awareness in this process, they can lead to our greatest personal development as individuals - into knowing our own soul.
My belief around soulmates (today) is that those are the individuals that we meet on our life journey - be it romantic partner, a close friend, or even someone we secretly desire - who shake us, sometimes even break us, change us, influence us, push our limits in some way, teach us, and most probably do not stay in our lives forever, but they continue their journey as we continue our own. They seem to have a particular role in our lives and once that role is fulfilled, they are gone.
The most precious form of relationship is a soul mate, which Thomas Moore defines as "someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and the communing that takes place between us were not the product of intentional efforts but rather a divine grace."
In his book “Soul Mates: Honoring the Mysteries of Love and Relationship”, Thomas Moore writes about life, love, and the mysteries of human relationships, as well as how relationships of all kinds add to our lives and fulfill the needs of our souls. Moore says that “All of our relationships may be soulful to various degrees,” and, according to him - marriage, family, friendship, and community can all be seen as "vessels in which soul making can be accomplished." We can enrich these relationships by honoring their mystery. And, in this process, we end up being transformed.
However, this doesn’t mean that these are not merely human relationships, too. If the time comes that we need to end a relationship, we have to be able to do it as we can’t stay with the romantic magic of the soulmate idea if the relationship isn’t good for us. Having such a connection and bond is “a deep, profound, dynamic, mysterious source of identity that is wonderful because it traditionally is what makes you feel alive,” Moore said. “It makes you feel an individual. Those are wonderful gifts to have. But at the same time it means that the challenges are very strong and very deep.” So there’s a side to soul that is very challenging and has a lot of shadow. As Jung said, “We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life,” meaning that any light or shadow characteristics we see in others, those are simply a reflection of those attributes within us.
Relationship, writes Moore, is "the discovery of ways soul is incarnated in the world."
Soulmates usually have very little to do with compatibility. In many areas of life we can be incompatible with this person. Sometimes there will be poor timing for the two of you to connect, other times life just happens and conditions are not right. This reminds me of that period in a relationship where we step out of that initial stage of attraction and a honeymoon phase, and where the maturing of the relationship happens. This phase is important for the relationship experience as it contributes to the growth of the people involved. Sometimes, when we think of soulmates, we expect the relationship to be easy, effortless. But, it isn’t. We are different people and we need to allow each other to “emerge into our own individual nature”.
So many times in my life I ran so quickly and passionately into a relationship where someone looked just like my type, or it felt like we could probably share a life together pretty well, where I was drawn to a person without knowing how and why exactly - only to realize fairly quickly that these feelings are not enough to create a life with someone and that I have not been living too rationally at the time. I would be responding - more like, reacting - passionately; instead of being responsible I would simply be responsive (or, more often, reactive).
James Hollis describes the idea of a soul mate, or the “Magical One” how he calls it, as “the idea that there is one person out there who is right for us, will make our lives work, a soul–mate who will repair the ravages of our personal history, one who will be there for us, will read our minds, know what we want and meet those deepest needs; a good parent who will protect us from suffering and spare us the challenging journey of individuation.” And, quite honestly, I often hear people speaking of a soulmate in this manner. This kind of fantasy, romanticizing of a relationship, as well as idolizing and idealizing the other, may drive us to search forever in life for that one ideal match, or to be obsessed by that perfect other, outside of us, and who will show up and complete us, finally making us whole. You maybe see how this idea may not be sustainable.
“Given the gap between our expectations of the “Magical Other” and their finite capacities, we often hopelessly burden the relationship and, predictably, end in disappointment, cynicism, blaming, and then roll it all over again onto the next solitary soul.” ~ James Hollis
In order to interrupt this, often, toxic and vicious cycle, we could use the relationship with the other as a means to examine our own inner unconscious contents. “The paradox lies in the fact that the [Magical] Other can be a means through which one is enabled to glimpse the immensity of one’s own soul and live a portion of one’s individuation.” It seems that the other person, our love for them, as well as the relationship itself, can all serve us in better understanding of ourselves - including the heartbreaks and disappointments from relationships. Especially the heartbreaks and disappointments! These can all offer opportunities for personal development, change, and evolution - rather than placing significant responsibility and faith on the other to complete us. This way, we also release all the expectations that we have of the other to be a certain way, and, instead, we truly love and accept who they are. As Alan Watts said, “When you’re loving somebody, you are simply delighting in that person as such.” Instead of looking for a Magical Other, we may just discover the magic in realizing that we are already complete as we are.
“A soulmate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement, but because by being with that individual, we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves.” ~ Edgar Cayce
As always, I am grateful for your subscription! If you feel inspired or moved, if you feel seen or heard, or you find it relatable you can offer me a tip! PayPal me or Venmo me. You can also upgrade your subscription to a paid membership. Until next time!
Stay safe. Marina
That was beautiful!! Searching for the ‘magic one’!! The ‘one’ was always inside me and the magic was somebody else holding a mirror so I could see it. That was a well researched and written piece. I loved it!! Thank you!!