starting over or continuing?
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”
~ Albert Einstein
Most of you will probably agree with me that moving is one of the biggest stressors in our lives. As a matter a fact, according to some resources, it is somewhere up there together with a break up, getting married and starting a new job; and, just after the divorce and a death of a loved one. It certainly seems to be a significant stressor. Sometimes, mostly what we experience is the sense of excitement about moving to a different environment - especially if it is a whole other city or country - but let’s also not forget those difficult emotions like fear of change and the stress around doing everything on time and correctly, that can take over.
Well, I had to remind myself of all this, as I was moving to another place, two weeks ago. I moved from the beach area to a more central neighborhood of San Diego. I used to love this part of town, and I thought I will automatically be happy about moving here. Part of me expected - actually, demanded - that I accomplish this process smoothy and swiftly, without any difficulties or internal challenges; effortlessly, and even with ease and a smile on my face. This, however, has not been the reality. The reality is that I have been stressed out, anxious, sad, nervous, tired, irritable, uncertain and doubtful at times, and ungrounded. That’s more like my reality. Each time I want to consciously choose to like something about my new space, I find things that are “wrong” about it. It takes time, Marina… I keep on repeating to myself.
It’s been two weeks since I moved and, as the apartment is taking its own shape and form, and slowly starting to feel more like home, my feelings also shift. There are things to get used to, transitions to be made from the old place to the new one, as well as the time needed to start feeling comfortable and grounded here. It’ll take time to explore new walking paths for me and Mala, to try new restaurants and coffeeshops, to meet neighbors and fellow dog owners, and to visit new local events. And, not only that, but I am also hoping that this space will be more conducive to my focus and productivity, and serve me in my future career and creative ventures.
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~ Alan Watts
I have moved numerous times since 2006, when I first moved to the US. I moved so many times that I cannot count. I am not exaggerating, I am being serious. I think I counted somewhere between 15 and 20 times that I moved houses only between December ‘19 and August ‘22 - and this was all while I lived in Bali! This is without all previous moves within the United States, Thailand, Portugal, a bit of Serbia here and there, and then back to the US in February ‘23 (I moved four times since then). You’d think that after so many transitions and so many moving experiences, I would be completely unbreakable and indestructible when it comes to moving - that I’d be a master of a kind - and, yet, I am not. Far from it. I turn into a whiny and insecure child when time to move approaches. Then, I transition into an irritable teenager while I am impatiently setting up my new place. Only to move into an anxious and nervous young adult, before I graduate to a (occasionally) grounded and settled adult. I think this is success - as long as I end up an adult in the end!
Moving is hard.
Moving is expensive.
Moving is unknown and scary.
Moving is unpredictable, uncertain and overwhelming.
Moving is tiring and exhausting.
Moving asks of us to be open, nonjudgmental, curious, patient, and compassionate.
Moving can also be exciting, thrilling, adventurous and joyous.
Moving is eventually hopeful.
Moving offers a new chance, a clean slate, a fresh beginning… Moving offers a taste of freedom.
Change, as much as a natural part of life, is what we humans dread the most. And, yet, change is what makes us stronger, allows for new experiences, and offers us opportunities for growth and evolution. Only through change we grow. And each time change happens, we become a bit more mature, a tiny bit more flexible and resilient, and a lot more wise.
People often assume that because I have moved so many times - and I have done this alone - that I don’t have fear when it comes to change, that I am not scared of it. Ha! If only this were true. The truth is - I am scared shitless! But, as they say, courage doesn't mean not feeling fear; it means doing things despite of the presence of fear. So, with that in mind, I move, and change places, and cities, and countries, and continents… I also change jobs and interests and hobbies! And people who are in my surrounding - friends and partners included. As of very recent, I have also been allowing myself to change preferences, values and beliefs. And, it’s been fun! And, also very challenging. Overall, however, one constant in my life is definitely change.
I find myself struggling with the choice of starting over - restarting - or continuing - keep going - on a rather regular basis. And this goes for almost everything. I am incredibly guilty of starting multiple books, entertaining many ideas and ambitions, embracing numerous hobbies and interests, and, often, projects, and frequently not finishing all of them or completing them halfass. I basically never get past the honeymoon stage of things (as shows in my relationships, as well) - meaning, I stay with things while they are fresh and new and exciting, and then when the real work would come in - when things would be less “exciting” - I kind of shift to another thing. I don’t know about you, but I often wonder - when does one restart, and when does one keep going? Regardless of what it is - there is, in all of us, the inescapable urge to start over in life. Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes - and often these are not even mistakes, but rather walking through the dark woods in the attempt of finding the right direction, our own path. At the same time, I wonder if it would be equally important to know when NOT to start over, and to keep going.
So, here are these two impulses. One is to keep on starting over - over and over again - like it is the case with a serial relationship hopper who is obsessed with forming new relationships, often even before the previous ones ended, and never recovers from breakups or taking some time alone. Or, with me - for that matter - when overnight I decide to move countries once again, while being excited about the novelty of the experience, and little to no planning or thinking about settling and living day-to-day in those new environments. And, then, there is the other urge - to avoid change desperately - to keep the status quo no matter what - like it is with those people who do not dare changing their career in decades, moving to a different apartment let alone town or country, trying a different food, or maybe leaving that unhealthy relationship.
Finally, there is the middle ground - as it is with just about everything else in this world. After all, it is about the middle way. And, here, the truth most probably lies somewhere between the two extremes. Difficulty, however, is in recognizing and pointing out that exact moment. What if that is part of the deep wisdom that only our personal, individualized, and subjective, experience can initiate? What if that is possible only through our personal tryouts? If that is true - and I personally believe it is - I, then, choose to keep on starting over and learning from my own efforts.
So, I think I am gonna keep on moving…
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” ~ Dr. Seuss
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A hui kaua (Until we meet again),
Marina
I can so relate having moved countless times myself. Thank you for articulating it so well. And i absolutely LOVE the second picture of you- you look so happy, it's contagious ❤️
Thank youuuu 😊 it’s a pure joy, that photo 💕