“In the case of psychological suffering, which always isolates the individual from the herd of so-called normal people, it is of the greatest importance to understand that the conflict is not a personal failure only, but at the same time, a suffering common to all and a problem with which the whole epoch is burdened. This general viewpoint lifts the individual out of himself and connects him with humanity.” ~ Carl Jung
Blindfolded, for the greatest sensory deprivation. All black, absolutely no light coming in. No sense of direction either. And no way of knowing what is happening around or anticipating what might happen. Sensation of the thick rope on the bare skin. It’s soft and actually not as coarse as one would expect it to be. First arrangement is hugging the upper part of the torso. It’s a harness that goes around the neck, above and below the breasts, with a tight knot right on the sternum bone, and the set up on the back that allows for hooks to go through. The rope is hugging the body so tightly that it is virtually impossible to take a deep long breath. Instead, short, consistent and evenly breaths through the nose are required. Second rope arrangement goes around the hips and lower back, then around the thighs in the area of the groins, and finally around the very upper part of thighs. There is a certain comfort, a sense of safety and freedom, in feeling so restrained, where even the slightest movement reminds of a presence of the rope and calls for discipline and adjustment. Leaning to the front, while feeling the rigger pulling the ropes in such a way that it makes the body slowly go from vertical position to a horizontal one while in the air, fully suspended, parallel to the floor. Head is freely hanging. Arms are behind the back and are tied up together with the elbows bent and each hand holding the opposite elbow. Knees bent, legs open, and ankles tied together. Absolutely no way to move. No way to practice self will and no way to be in control, at all.
Total surrender to the moment. An absolute trust in the rigger. Feeling the tension of the rope, the heaviness of the body. Nowhere to go, no one to be, nothing to do, to solve, to figure out. Peace and quiet mind.
There are many other ways to experience the utmost letting go and submission in life. As a matter of fact, we are all getting our chances to experiencing it daily, whenever we wake up in the morning without knowing what the day will bring and what cards will be dealt to us. But we still tend to think that we have the absolute control over our lives.
I have missed my post last Sunday - for the first time since I started posting in April. It was a long, tiring, emotional week that culminated with me getting covid; another first. I woke up last Saturday in excruciating pain. Every single bone and muscle in my body was aching, head was pounding, eyes super sensitive to light, nausea, no appetite, and my whole body burning up from fever except of my hands and feet which were as cold as ice. Foolishly, I got myself a cup of coffee, only to throw it out as it tasted terribly bad (and I NEVER throw away coffee). I was hardly functioning. I had just enough energy to take Mala out a few times and go back to bed. Sunday was a bit lighter on me and less uncomfortable, and since then I have been slowly feeling better and better (although most food still tastes like cardboard). I am rarely sick, more like almost never. And to experience sickness to this extend was pretty painful, and at the same time an interesting experience - kind of like an (uncalled for) opportunity to practice patience, acceptance, and letting go to the unknown and something far beyond my control. In its core, illness is a great metaphor for life - a struggle, unknown and unpredictable, often way out of our comfort zone, and well out of our control - and can assist us in the practice of submitting fully to the secret of life and living (as well as dying for that matter, but I won’t be going there this time). It is time that calls for grace and humility, where we get to really face how vulnerable and small we actually are in the grand scheme of things, and how dealing with discomfort is an essential part of human existence. Happiness and joy are not promised, not guaranteed at all, but struggle and discomfort certainly are. It’s not even about joy and happiness, but rather about the journey of the soul.
Additionally, being alone and isolated throughout this week made me observe my patterns closer; more precisely, how I am conditioned to look outwards for help, to look at others in order to get my inner needs met, needs for nurturance, care and love. Since I wasn’t able to be physically close with others, there was a moment where looking outside at the world made me feel bad about myself, lonely and alone, because no one could give me what I needed. It could have developed into a full blown self-pity party easily - and, at times, it did. I have been angry and upset that it is happening to me now when I have big plans, I have been impatient to get better and get out in the world, obsessively testing almost daily, I have been sad and alone while guilting others for staying away… One of the most painful feelings in this process was realizing how irrelevant I am. How people will still be living their lives no matter if I am present or not and how the planet will still be spinning around… But, more so - and only when I was able to recognize it and embrace it - what a perfect opportunity this was for practicing self-love and self-care. There lies a great power in knowing how to be there for oneself, how to show up and give love and soothing to oneself, when no one else can give you that. And this was the practice - showing up for myself and trusting that things will soon change and shift again.
“… The fundament of existence emerges here in its raw necessity. We are reminded that we are all creatures of limitations, eternally vulnerable, destined to struggle and ultimately surrender to the great forces beyond our control. To be human is to be restricted. To choose submission is to choose the mystery of life.” ~ Douglas Thomas
It may sound controversial, and maybe you haven’t looked at it that way, but submission in the kink world corresponds very much to a lack of control in the “real” world and the everyday experience of being human. The dynamic is pretty much identical - there is always a standing invitation to be open and trusting - although that may be counterintuitive - and knowing that I will be OK no matter what, while opening up, letting myself be completely vulnerable, letting go of a need to control and force the outcome, and allowing what needs to happen, to happen. In the kink world, what precedes is the deep acquaintance and bonding with the Dominant partner, while in life often times one needs to have faith in the process, have faith in the universe, and at the same time trust that they have all the resources that they need inside of them. Sounds like a tall order, doesn’t it?
Aren’t we all submitting ourselves to the unknown aspects of life every single day?! To take it even a step further, as Carl Jung was saying when speaking about the submission in relationship to the soul when it comes to process of individuation (a process of becoming a unique whole self) - “I have had to recognize that I must submit to what I fear; yes, even more, that I must even love what horrifies me… You are a slave of what you need in your soul.” In depth psychology, this would refer to allowing for our shadow to come to the light, allowing for the unconscious to become conscious, and following what the soul wishes, and that way - getting more acquainted with who we really are. In everyday life, I would say, submitting to what we fear would free us of fear itself, free us from the desperate need to control and force things and life, and it would ultimately give us more freedom and trust.
So, what is then needed for a full submission - is it boundaries and limitations, is it trust and faith, is it rules and regulations, is it “to have everything under control", etc. Not really. We don’t really need to be in control in order to orient ourselves to the world. In depth psychology, we actually need to be able to let go of that control and let the mind drop and explore the depths of our own (and often dark) unconscious, in order to become fully ourselves. In kink, slowly pushing one’s limits offers more information about the self, how far the self can really go, and what does the self really long for. Similarly, in everyday life, submitting oneself to life allows us to more fully experience the life, to actually live it. Submitting and letting go is what will take us deeper, closer towards the wholeness of our being, as too much of our soul has already been sacrificed to accommodate the demands of our society. And I am not talking about healing and happiness necessarily, but rather about facing the fears and discomfort in the process of befriending one’s soul. Archetypal psychology suggests that the suffering of our Western culture is due to a loss of soul. Since the path to getting to know your own soul and its desires is not necessarily a fun and carefree journey, we seem to be avoiding it at all costs.
“Sometimes safety is going to places we fear the most.” ~ Micheal Meade
The world has always had stress, it’s always been a tumultuous and uncertain place, and our brains don’t like uncertainty and stress since the dawn of times. Through myths and stories, as well as our ancestors, we were always encouraged to go inwards in looking for answers, as well as soothing and nurturing experiences, in being there for ourselves when we feel wounded and when the world feels chaotic. Even one step beyond that - when the world goes into trouble, we need to go into those places and things we fear the most, and not do everything we can to avoid them while desperately looking for happiness and joy instead. As we go deeper and deeper, we become a bigger being ourselves and that makes us less prone to a simple sense of daily overwhelm and less fearful as well.
Like Micheal Meade says, “When it feels like everything is going to end, we are actually in creation times. Most creation stories in mythology begin in darkness and chaos”. Isn’t this true for every single challenging moment in our lives? Isn’t it true that there is almost always chaos and darkness before change happens, before growth happens, before learning takes place and light finally comes? Maybe because chaos motivates us to change and go out for solutions, or maybe because we are moved by it so much that although it is difficult it also serves as an inspiration, but creating rarely happens when things are peaceful and clear, and when we are calm and collected. “No mud, no lotus”, you know that one, right?!
But, then, when it is finally here, we resist the change. We want change - at least we think we want it - but we resist it. And just like with everything else, just like with the overwhelm, this resistance is not something to avoid, but rather something to explore and accept. It makes us stronger. The resistance makes sense if we can only accept that something that is trying to be born inside of us is so much bigger than what we are today. So much bigger that we cannot yet comprehend it. Who we are is trying to be transformed from within us. It’s much easier and more clear in nature. Caterpillar instinctively goes through the process of being a larvae and becoming a beautiful butterfly eventually, but we humans don’t develop like that. It is not a natural growth process for us. We need to consciously want it and submit ourselves to it. And, like Heraclitus, the ancient Greek philosopher, states “It’s in changing that we find purpose.” We have to be willing to change, and we have to be willing to let go, in order to change.
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Stay safe. Marina
