The Anticipatory Anxiety of the Spring Juice Detox Dread
... it's a little different post
Every year I try to do at least one juice detox. Spring is the time when we are supposed to do them; when it gets a bit wormer outside and as we are exiting the roughness of the winter and are about to step into the heat of the summer. It is a spring deep cleaning of a kind. This won’t be so much a post about how to do a juice detox - that is a total different animal - but it will be a post about what detox brings to the surface for me, and what I can do with it. For me, every detox is different. No matter how prepared I am for them and how many I have done in the past, it is always different and best to not expect anything, but be open minded and accepting of anything. Detox brings a lot of purifications on the body level, but that is not all. It brings even more cleansing and purging on the mind and the emotional level; at least for me. Detox is always about letting go of things that no longer serve us, be it a parasites and the bugs in the gastrointestinal tract or anger, grief, fear, attachments and cravings.
Today is May 29th, and I am starting this detox on June 1st; which means that on Sunday, when this post comes out, I will be in my fourth day of the process. This may not mean anything to you if you haven’t done a detox before, but for you who are familiar with this stuff, you probably know that the first three days are usually the most difficult and challenging ones. And I will be here, writing this post, during those times. So, now you see where the title is coming from.
May 29th
In my mind, I wanted to slow down (if not, completely stop) with coffee well before the detox so I don’t experience severe withdrawal that coffee usually does to me. But then, this morning, I woke up later than usual, I felt groggy, tired and lethargic, my dog has been hurt and is in a similar state of mind, so instead of having a cup of green tea (which is what I have been doing for a while now), I made myself coffee. So, not a great start, I know, but I will see how I can “correct” this during the day.
As it turned out I didn’t correct it much. Not at all, to be more precise. I had a friend in town visiting, and we were in somewhat “celebratory” mood, so I had a few more coffees, some desert and some appetizers that I usually don’t eat. This type of “behavior” is common for me in situations when I am with friends - peer pressure is a real thing people, even when you are in your forties! It’s not that my friend pushed me into this in any way, it is that I get in a different space when I am with people, and often regret it later. So, I have done my share of sweet potato fries, coffees and cookies yesterday. And that is OK. I finished all eating at 5pm and that’s it for the day. Not beating myself up about it, not complaining, no guilt or shame, but rather taking the opportunity to do something different tomorrow.
May 30th
I got up feeling energized. My mornings always start with a warm water with lemon. I did some yoga in the morning and took Mala for a walk. She is doing better, and so am I. I have a long day at work ahead of me, and it is important to prepare for it in a way. That is something that has been a pillar of my sobriety - preparing (as much as I can, of course) mentally, emotionally and physically for situations that are coming up that might be challenging and/or difficult in any way. Doing yoga in the morning, some breathing exercises and at least a bit of a meditation is the key to my (mental) well being. Sometimes I also read something inspirational and journal for a bit.
I have noticed some irritability at work. Irritability is such a close friend of mine, that I can smell it coming when it’s miles away. It starts slow, easy, bubbling up inside of me, as I speak to my colleagues, as daily tasks start piling up, and at first it is like a slight overwhelm. I took a break mid day to take Mala out and hoped that it will subside. It didn’t. I got back to work feeling so sensitive to everything and everyone around me, that I had to remove myself from situations where, otherwise, I would have probably be rude or harsh. I was able to do this dance until time came for me to go home. At home, it continued, I became additionally critical of myself for how much of a salad I had for dinner. And, when I was walking Mala for our evening stroll, I became irritable and impatient too, as she wasn’t doing her business fast enough. I am thankful that the moods shifts (just like everything else) are impermanent. I am thankful that I became so deeply aware of them. I might not prevent them from showing up, but they sure as hell cannot show up, abduct me and hold me hostage anymore. I went to bed early, with a hope that I will have a brand new day to show up for tomorrow.
“If you pay attention for just five minutes, you know some very fundamental dharma: things change, nothing stays comfortable, sensations come and go quite impersonally, according to conditions, but not because of anything that you do or think you do. Changes come and go quite by themselves.” ~ Sylvia Boorstein
May 31st
I overslept. Went to bed too early and slept too long. Woke up with a stiff body and the blurry mind. My attempt to do a 60-minutes yoga class ended after 35 minutes. Mala was in my face and on my mat for the better part of it, and we went for a walk, finally. My body is in pain; I feel like I am 100 years old. My joints are cranky and I wonder if Louise Hay is right and the probable cause of this is “changes in direction in life and the ease of these movements, problems with pride and ego, as well as accepting new experiences”. I have a long day at work ahead of me. Panicking a little bit and not wanting things to be the way they are. But that’s the thing - pleasant sensations lead to the desire that they stay and the unpleasant sensations lead to the desperate hope that they go away. Breathing helps. Not only that it helps relaxing the body, but it also helps calming and focussing the mind. So does the walking. With this in mind, I got ready and walked to my office.
Surprisingly, the day at work went by seamlessly. A variety of tasks helped tremendously, and I also took some space from our guests. I just didn’t feel like mingling and chatting with unknown people. Often I feel like that - laying low and staying incognito. People often see me as a chatty, social person, but in all reality I am actually quite introverted and reserved these days. Taking some space and distance helped me to stay balanced at work. A long walk with Mala after work helped too. I felt exhausted and went to bed early, but before sleeping I listened to a sound meditation - a wonderful way to end the day, balance the inner energy and wind down.
June 1st
I got up fairly early today and was excited to finally do that 60-minutes yoga class, only to realize that my right hip is protesting and won’t be taking part in that. So, instead, I did a 30-minutes stretching and easy yoga session, followed by very, very slow walk with Mala in our neighborhood. You gotta work with what you have, right?
I had to check what Louise Hay says about hip problems, in particular, and I have to say I really resonated with it - “Fear of going forward in major decisions. Nothing to move forward to”. This is how I feel about my life at the moment. Not exactly satisfied with my decisions and my life situation, but also don’t have many other options right now, and additionally apprehensive and uncertain about the future. There is a lot of resistance and rejection that I am feeling, in my mind and on a subtle level, and those feelings can show up as physical conditions. I feel like I am waiting for my life to begin, and a bit nervous about which direction it’ll go. And, just for now, I need to put this aside and to go to work.
Usually, when I juice fast, mornings are easier than the afternoons. And so, was my time at work. In the morning I was busy with organizing things and running around, but in the afternoon, when I was supposed to be online and go through some emails, my energy was low, I was exhausted, had a debilitating headache (I blame it on coffee withdrawal) and I could not concentrate. I wasn’t hungry as much as I was feeling sick. By the time I got home, I was also cold, sneezing, and my nose was running. It would have all been better if I could have stayed home, but I had to go back to the center and teach yoga nidra class later that evening. I don’t know how I managed to pull that off, but I did. It was beautiful, intimate and guests enjoyed it. As soon as I got home, I hit the bed and fell asleep. Satisfied and fulfilled.
June 2nd
This morning started rough. I woke up several times during the night to change a position as my hip was hurting and getting numb. When I finally was ready to get up, I was hit by the exhaustion and a terrible nausea. My nose is still running, I am excreting mucus through my throat and nose, and the right hip is killing me. After having some warm water with lemon, and a gentle stroll outside with Mala I started feeling better. No yoga or meditation for today, I feel like I am going to vomit if I only think about closing my eyes.
A good friend told me yesterday that during the detox there is a natural tendency to purge and cleanse things that we usually keep down and don’t let come out. This is why detox brings up so much for us - mentally, emotionally, physically, but also spiritually. This is why it feels like we are sick. However, if I put discomfort of a coffee and sugar withdrawal as well as massive hunger on a side, this experience allows me to get still, very still, and very pure, so I can hear more subtle voice of my soul. Stillness allows me to be more connected to myself. But, above all, for someone who is in recovery from variety of addictions, I get to watch the grasping mind that would devour anything that it sees, and it still wouldn’t be enough. This mind needs to be reminded (over and over again) that it is OK to not touch anything, abstain from eating, and that all will be available tomorrow too.
Today I have a short day at work (thankfully), and I also have a massage therapist coming to my home to give me a gentle massage and relax this body of mine that has been in pain.
The rest of the day shifted dramatically from a dread of the morning. Work was smooth and done with ease, a few sweet moments of connection with colleagues, and finished early. Massage (and cupping) was super helpful in relaxing the body and bringing some gunk out. And I even went for a longer walk with Mala afterwards, to get some movement and soak the sun. I feel that the angst of the withdrawal subsided.
June 3rd
Today is the day three of my juice detox. Woke up energized, did some yin yoga, and took Mala for a morning walk. We enjoy the trails in our neighborhood. Mala would run around, sniff every desert sage bush, and run after lizards and squirrels. And I would try to get as much sun as possible, enjoy the calm and peace disturbed only by birds singing. There is a beautiful bird in Big Bear called Steller’s Jay. Its body is half charcoal and half blue and it has a black crest on its head. I love seeing it around on our walks. It’s funny to observe how my state of being quickly can shift from discomfort and resistance of it, to openness, and relaxed, peaceful existence; one that can notice more things around her - nature, beauty and life.
Mysteries, Yes ~ by Mary Oliver
Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous to be understood.
How grass can be nourishing in the mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever in allegiance with gravity while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds will never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the scars of damage, to the comfort of a poem.
Let me keep my distance, always, from those who think they have the answers.
Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment, and bow their heads.
Although I had a long day at work, it was an easy and rewarding one. It was the registration day for one of our meditation retreats, and we were preparing the center for guests’ arrival in the afternoon. There is a sense of gratitude and humility in serving others. Making sure that the retreatants are taken care of, that they have everything they need and that they are supported during their deep practice is one of the greatest merit that one can collect in Buddhism. It creates great conditions for one’s own future (spiritual) meditation practices. I went to bed while rejoicing in this last night.
June 4th
So far, everything is going smooth this morning. I got up and after my morning hygiene routine, I went for a long walk with Mala. We both appreciated it. The air is still crisp in the early morning here in the mountains, but the sun is out and that makes it wonderful. I catch myself pausing whenever I come across sunshine that is beaming through the pine trees, and just looking at it directly and soaking it in brings me joy. After we got back home I did a yoga session and sat down to write. I am off work today and I am planning to rest, relax, listen to a few webinars, maybe read a book …
This day is approaching its end, and I need to send this week’s offering today. So, I will end documenting my juice detox journey here. And I will end it on an important note: if you could only see, feel, sense, experience what comes out of us - out of our bodies and minds - when we detox, you will never not want to do it. As a matter of fact, you will choose it no matter how uncomfortable and painful it could be, over continuing to keep toxic things and emotions inside of you. This is what keeps me going back to them. Stay well!
So much yes to this, Maki: "Stillness allows me to be more connected to myself. But, above all, for someone who is in recovery from variety of addictions, I get to watch the grasping mind that would devour anything that it sees, and it still wouldn’t be enough. This mind needs to be reminded (over and over again) that it is OK to not touch anything, abstain from eating, and that all will be available tomorrow too."
The pull towards more, more, more, consume, consume, consume is so normalized these days. Loved reading how you're taking a conscious, intentional breather from that and witnessing and practicing with what arises. Thank you for sharing.