What I Have Been Doing These Days

... more like a check-in

Me, captured by my beloved I.G. in our apartment in Washington, DC, 2008.

Hi guys. It’s been a crazy hectic, exciting, sleepless, nerve-racking, hopeful, dreamy and bittersweet week, and so instead of offering you a traditional weekly essay (as that would probably be too confusing to read, or to write for that matter), I will cover this week’s events and my (as always, very colorful) inner responses and insights to them. I have to thank an amazing

Dana Leigh Lyons

for giving me a “permission” to sway off my path by posting a similar offering few weeks ago (check it out here, she is an amazing writer!). I just didn't know I can do that, I didn’t know it was allowed!? Instead, I was about to follow the “rules” and get hit by anxiety. So, here we go …

Home Life

Mala and I have been living in the San Bernardino mountains (more precisely, in Big Bear) since May. We share a (huge) house with two of my coworkers, located just 10 minutes walking distance from the retreat center where I have been working since May 1st. I have enjoyed this house (and especially the hot tub) very much, but life with other people can be (and usually is) pretty challenging. I am used to live alone and, especially after a long day at work, I like to come back to a place that I have fully for myself, and where I can be as quiet as I wish to be. It may sound selfish and isolating, but I’m the only child so I kind of got used to this way of living since the early age. Interestingly, though, I’ve always wanted to learn how to live more harmoniously with others and practice it in a way. I hoped it would help me live and co-exist with future partners (now, that is a totally different post) and that is exactly the opportunity I received by being here for the past four months. It’s been good, for the most part; it also helped that my coworkers all have had different schedules than me and we would successfully manage to find some peace and quiet, and privacy. Additionally, I am used to being very independent and doing things on my own, only to spend all this time here without a vehicle. I needed to practice almost daily asking other people for help and assistance (which doesn’t come easy to me). It’s been, well, to say the least - odd, very different. But I am happy I’ve experienced it. It’s one of those things when you need more of what makes you uncomfortable, just so that you can learn how to be with it. Because, why not?! What else am I gonna do?

Finally, living in this little mountain town, without a car, and without (m)any friends, simplified my life a lot - I didn’t go out for coffees regularly, eat at restaurants, and I could not leave my house and go places as I pleased. Big Bear is definitely not a walking friendly place, and even less so when you want to take your dog with you. Luckily, I live right next to many hiking trails and I was able to walk with Mala in the nature, around the trees, every day. Now I see how helpful this lifestyle has actually been, since the work has been challenging and difficult at times, and all I needed was to rest and slow down. It also helped me keep up with writing and stay on the path.

Mala hogging the bed.

Just the two of us.

Work Stuff

As I am writing this, it’s my last day at the retreat center. I will be packing up tomorrow and on Saturday will be riding with a friend to Los Angeles. It’s been a rollercoaster for the past three and a half months since I started working here. I love my team - with some of them I became close outside of work as well - but the work itself is hard, long and demanding, and I just could not keep up with it. Retreat after retreat, without much time to relax and rewind in between, wore me completely down. Additionally, it’s a kind of a work that I haven’t done in a while and not really something I deeply enjoy and receive reward from. I’ve also realized that I haven’t taken a proper break from work in a long time, and even when I do take a break occasionally, it is only to spend it planning and contemplating on what’s next. It’s as if I cannot be NOT working and taking time for myself. And, truly, most of us are conditioned this way - that work is something that we need to be doing at all times because if we don’t - we are either facing anxiety around financial insecurity, or all the voices in our head - that we are not worthy, we are lazy, we are not producing and therefore not useful for society, we can’t be possibly be doing nothing, that is irresponsible and so on and so on … I don’t know about you, but I am tired of this inner voice and will be taking the time off for an unspecified period of time. And eventually, will be figuring out how I want to do my work moving forward, what exactly is my work made of, and how I wish to show up for those I work with. I’m really excited to see the other side of this! And, in order to get to see the other side, I need some space and time away from it - so there you go, one other reason for taking the time off.

A rock, a lizard and a pine cone, Big Bear, California, 2023.

Health & Balance

I have been up and down with my health for the past several months; mostly down, actually, with a few peaks here and there. My body has been having strange aches and pains, and (almost allergic) reactions to the life changes as well as certain people I have encountered lately. I have been struggling with insomnia, low energy, and my mind has been so overwhelmed and very sensitive, with my nervous system feeling often fried and difficult to concentrate and keep up with even the simplest requirements of life. I spent every Saturday for the past three months at my acupuncturist’s office treating all kinds of symptoms - from tennis elbow and GI tract issues, to insomnia, mood swings and delayed moon cycle. I am so grateful for his existence as he became a bright light of my, often, very dark days here.

Fortunately, I am feeling much better now and ready to continue my journey. It was interesting to observe that the moment I have decided to terminate the work and gave my notice, somehow my energy and the mood picked up from there. Just knowing that it will end, and also when it will end, helped hugely. All of a sudden I was able to give a lot more at work, show up in a different way, and even enjoy some parts of it that I didn't enjoy before. This is how I have received a crystal clear confirmation (in case I needed one) that my decision about leaving the job was the right decision. No regrets at all, and also no looking back. Much can be learned from every single experience in life, and we still get to choose when we are ready to end one.

Love is everywhere, Big Bear, 2023.

Friends & Family

Earlier this week I went for a quiet dinner with a friend. I love making new friends, and especially those who you connect quite deeply in a short period of time. Everywhere I travelled, and every place I lived in, I made a few connections that last long time, even lifetime. Mid-week my coworkers organized a little get together for my last week at the retreat center and the happy send off. It was at a famous local place, Whyatt’s, which offers music and line dance every Wednesday night. Maybe you wonder, what the hell is a line dance. I hear you - I thought it’s another word for limbo dance?!? Ha! Well, it’s definitely not. Anyways, If you are into cowboy boots and hats, southern music, greasy fried food, and a (strange) group dance - you should definitely visit this place if you’re ever in the area. Even if you are not into these things - it’s such an entertaining event. We had so much fun! And, no, I did not try the dance. I was rather much entertained audience. Something happened to me in relation to dancing after I got sober … These days I mostly just dance for myself.

Leaving places has been something I experienced a lot in the past two decades. And with that comes leaving people behind, as well. As difficult as it can be, I learned that maintaining relationships is very important - especially those long-distance ones. I can say that although I prefer having friends who are close by, my lifestyle simply limits that, and I found that my worldwide connections with people can be equally deep, valid and important to me.

The very happy send off, Wyatt’s, Big Bear, California, 2023.

Spirituality, Sobriety & Recovery

Either because life got too busy, because I wasn’t doing well, or simply because I got too lazy, but my practices were definitely neglected in past months. And my sobriety feels that, and suffers the effects. I used to meditate and do yoga daily on my own, attend (and/or facilitate) recovery meetings regularly, journal, spend time with likeminded people - but, somehow, after getting this job, I found myself in a place where everything just seemed too much and, therefore, my life became too small … All I wanted was to curl up in bed and watch movies. Additionally, I haven’t been close to my Sangha (or any Sangha, really) for a while now, and I can sense the lack of Dharma in my life, as well as recovery community in general. However, during the last week of my work at the retreat center, we hosted Dave Smith and his two dozen students. Dave teaches residential meditation retreats, weekly live dharma classes, online courses, and workshops, and has brought dharma and meditative interventions into a variety of settings including jails, prisons, youth detention centers and addiction treatment facilities. I have known him and his work for a while, but I haven’t seen him for years. During his time in our center, I had the opportunity to sit on a few of Dave’s talks and meditations, and was reminded of just how important Dharma and this practice is for my well-being. I can’t imagine my life without it. For some people it might be effortless to get up and join the world with all their friendly and peaceful personalities; for others - me included - it takes a while to just feel content and be ok with the outside world. Even though I “neglect” my practices from time to time, I always happily return to them and realize, yet again, how dearly I missed them and how crucial they are for me. Looking forward to carving some regular daily times for self-care again.

Yogini on the wall - I have no idea where and when I took this …

So, What’s Next …

As I am finishing this post, I am sitting in my friend’s apartment in LA. She picked me up in Big Bear yesterday and brought me here. I will be spending some time with her, and also seeing some more friends in LA and San Diego. Future seems bright and exciting from here, but I will keep it to myself for now, as plans change and things flow and I don’t need to share just about everything. I am about to start Jungian Coaching Certificate Program in September, through this wonderful organization called Jung Platform. Depth psychology, and more precisely, the work of Carl Jung, has been my latest passion, and I am very excited about this course. Additionally, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, and my favorite these days is Living Myth Podcast with Michael Meade, a renowned mythologist, author and storyteller who brings a mythic perspective to understanding the modern world. And, finally, writing - my (other) new passion, my refuge and my happy place during the last five months. I cannot express how much writing means to me and how important it is for my personal healing - I can only keep on writing, as I will …

Thank you so much for being curious, for reading me and supporting me.

Please stay safe and stay tuned. I’ll be back next week!

She shines brightly, Big Bear, California, 2023.

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic

and she said yes

I asked her if it was okay to be short

and she said it sure is

I asked her if I could wear nail polish

or not wear nail polish

and she said honey

she calls me that sometimes

she said you can do just exactly

what you want to

Thanks God I said

And is it even okay if I don't paragraph

my letters

Sweetcakes God said

who knows where she picked that up

what I'm telling you is

Yes Yes Yes

~ Kaylin Haught, God Says Yes To Me