what if there is no problem to be solved?

May 20, 2024

“Your true nature is open and free, but you cover it up.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

We’ve done some mindful exercises and dialogues in the retreat last week. Some of the reflection and contemplation questions I have already offered in my previous post. Today I would like to focus on one particular question that we explored at the retreat - and that is “What if there is no problem to be solved?” The idea here is to get back to the question over and over again, until you have exhausted all possible answers, and see where this would take you. For most people, this would probably mean that you begin with very concrete and intellectual answers, only to notice them get more and more abstract, creative, and philosophical. There are no right or wrong answers - only your personal, subjective and very intimate reflections. Hopefully, these reflections would point you towards where you’re personally stuck; they would show you how you relate to challenging situations in life and/or what you’re clinging to when it comes to creating additional suffering in your life. For me, personally, this was somewhat a surprising moment as I thought I knew my answer to this question, only to be faced with some unexpected responses that came out of my mouth.

A predicament - photo by my dear friend and a phenomenal photographer @calexander003, April 2024.

I remember years ago in an AA meeting, as I only began my recovery journey, I have heard this pretty inspiring speaker, when in the end of her share she said: “Really, there are no big deals [in life].” At first, I almost felt insulted by this statement as it was unbelievable to me that this could be true. For the most part of my life I was a kind of a person who would create a problem out of everything - at least as first - a fatalist if you will, and for me it was unimaginable that there is a way of living in which there are no big deals. And, although I have already studied Buddhism at that point, I was still struggling with my practice - probably because I wasn’t yet looking very closely at my ethical life. Regardless, I thought in my head: “Have you not suffered in life, lady?! Do you not have problems? You’re probably just lucky and can’t understand the rest of us…”

But, very soon, it hit me - I got it! Nothing is such a big deal in life, indeed. Certainly not a big deal enough for me to drink or use over it. In its core, nothing is not human, unmanageable, unmentionable, unlivable, unbearable and unsolvable. It can be excruciatingly painful, it can feel, at times, as if we will not survive it, it can definitely feel as if the world will crumble if we don’t make it right… but, in the end, everything ends, ceases, and we somehow manage to be OK and go back to our life. We see people daily surviving the most horrifying events and circumstances, and moving on with their lives. I am not trying to minimize the pain and jump onto a spiritual bypass train here, I am simply trying to point out that we can and, most often do, survive anything - and without fighting it. And, also that a problem is not that thing that happens to us, it is what we make out of it, how we relate to it. When a difficult thing happens in life; when there is loss, a conflict, an issue; when I face a dilemma or a problem - if I can - I will deal with it. And then, that thing isn’t a problem anymore, it isn’t a thing to be solved, or fixed. If there is not much I can do about it to begin with - if it’s mostly out of my hands and my control - I gotta let it go somehow. I need to be able to accept the circumstances and surrender, in a way. This is, however, scary, and it seems to be completely counterintuitive and unnatural to most people.

We have gotten used (and were taught) to resist, fight, fix, control, manipulate, organize, solve and resolve, handle, fix, manage… We have been taught to “tackle a problem”, to “grab the bull by the horns”, and also to “pull oneself up by one's bootstraps” when we are hurt, vulnerable or sensitive. We have been told to stop failing, to keep fighting and resisting, and that if things don’t happen our way it is our fault and it is probably because we are lacking a certain quality, because we are weak or because something is wrong with us. Identifying with failure for a long time, we may feel incompetent or inadequate. We may become discouraged. We carry a heavy backpack full of garbage on our back. We regularly add to this backpack with our thoughts, assumptions, beliefs, projections; with the ways we were taught and conditioned; and the ways we see reality. The truth is, some thoughts we can retire, put on a side. Some thoughts and approaches we don’t need anymore, they don’t serve us, we outgrew them.

“Manipulating the universe in order for you to be happy is just one model. The other model is to manipulate your own mind to be happy with what you got. This is the only way really.” ~ Baba Ram Dass

Of course we don’t know how to allow things to be - life to be - and accept what needs to be accepted, let go, and let be. We were never told that this could be an option, let alone a true freedom of the mind. For most people, these concepts are unimaginable. For others, they feel strange and unnatural. Often people understand these ideas as a way of quitting, resigning, “throwing in the towel”, admitting a defeat. Often they would perceive themselves to be weak if they accept circumstances in their life as they are; they would see themselves as helpless, powerless, a coward, and without a sense of control. And this can be scary. So, we do what we know - we see challenges in life as problems and we fight them. In this process, most of the time we contribute with more stress, worry, anxiety and we add energy to that problem. Basically, we most often make it worse than it is. And, all because of the narrative in our mind. We get to be way too interested in the story - we get hijacked by the story, it holds us captive. The whole practice of mindfulness and Buddhism is about becoming disinterested in stories, becoming detached from the stories.

So, what is we wouldn't approach things, events and circumstances in life as problems? What if we wouldn’t add to their already existing difficult and heavy energy? What if we would stop jumping and trying to fix and solve everything, and rather become open and curious to what it is trying to show us… teach us… tell us… What if we were able and asked to put some effort into that thing and release the rest of it to the universe? What if we don’t see difficulties as problems obstacles, but opportunities and lessons instead? What if we decide to let go of the old story and the heavy backpack, and approach things differently instead? What if…

Thank you for reading Messy Recovery by Maki . This post is public so feel free to share it.