what's love got to do with it
"Traditional definition of love misses the quality of poetic expansion that love brings to life. It misses the ecstatic longing, the mystery, and the madness too. It is the irrational aspect of love that brings it into relationship with soul. Love is a deliberately ambiguous concept - its multifaceted power stems from this ambiguity. We pretend to understand it as a primordial force that is living through us, but at root, it is a mystery." ~ Douglas Thomas
I don’t remember exactly when it started but for the better part of my adulthood I have been associating love with pain and agony; with a lump in my sore throat, closed up chest, tight knot in my stomach; and with anxiety and despair. Despite its thrill, its intoxicating beauty and ecstasy, despite the butterflies in the belly and the sweet longing, love has always been equal to pain for me. Being vulnerable and open, revealing myself to the other, showing my deepest and darkest self, often would lead to feeling too much, too soon (the flip side would be feeling nothing at all). Before you know it, I would be in agony, only to very quickly leave the relationship before it even dawned to the other person what happened. The truth is, I was expecting them to leave me so in order to skip the additional pain of a breakup, rejection and embarrassment, I would leave instead. Most often I would fully disconnect from them internally, very quickly and abruptly. Naturally, I wouldn’t process the experience - it would be way too painful to do so - I would just dissociate from it thinking that I am OK and that I can move on with my life, unaffected.
At some point, during my inner self-exploratory journey, I have discovered that this wounding and my attachment style stem from the early childhood. I recognize that at some point in my life I have internalized the environment as unreliable, conditional, and inconsistent. However, this is not where I choose to go in this post. Instead, I wish to reflect on the relationship that strengthened this pattern of mine, broke me, and somehow turned me into an emotionally handicapped person in many ways. In my personal therapy sessions, I have recently realized that I haven’t fully moved on from this painful experience; that it isn’t completely processed. I have since, forgiven this man, but I don’t think I have ever forgiven myself for being in the relationship with him. I don’t think that I have worked with the shame and embarrassment that the mere thought of this experience brings up for me. Finally, I don’t believe I have given this wounding and this part of me the right care and attention that it deserves.
I may have written about this relationship briefly in one of my previous posts, I don’t remember. Please, indulge me if I did… I met him when I was 19. He (let’s just call him X) was 27 and recently married. He was working as a bartender in one of the most popular clubs at the time. As an inexperienced young woman, who was naive but loved a good challenge - I certainly fell for him. He noticed me, sent me a drink, I waited for his shift to end, and the rest is history… He told me he was married right away, but that did not stop me - or him. The first year was brutal. His wife found out about me, was following me around town, attacked me and humiliated me on several occasions, spoke to my parents, and threatened me. Her mother would do the same if she would run into me in town. Every time she would call when we were together, I have listened to this man, that I absolutely adored, lie, manipulate, speak so unkindly, disrespectfully and often with so much hate, to his, then still, lawful wife. Often I would wonder how he would treat me if we broke up. I never thought that he would be capable of treating me like that while we were together, though…
In addition to all that, within our first year together, one of my closest friends committed suicide, and my country endured bombing. All of this was just an additional challenge and it had a significant impact on me and my mental health. I remember stealing my mom’s pills just to be able to calm down and fall asleep. X was asked to join the military and my father wanted to send me and my mother away to Slovenia, where we would stay with his close friend (which I declined right away, mostly because I didn’t want to leave without X). The following two years were filled up with disrespect, emotional abuse, gaslighting, cheating, lying, manipulating… It became normal for me to wake up with nausea and a knot in my stomach, to lie to my friends and family about my relationship, to cry silently and alone, to beg, and to plead, to forget and forgive over and over again, and to remain silent when all I wanted was to scream and yell and hit something. Slowly but surely I was abandoning myself and allowed him to absorb me completely. I have practically died. The fourth and the final year was the most brutal, as I became more flat, depressed, and often without a response. Throughout this whole year, X was seeing another woman (who lived with another guy and married him later that year). I didn’t exactly know that this was happening, but I surely felt and knew that something was going on. Finally, one night, I woke up at 3AM when X received a text message from her; I pretended I was him on the phone, and figured the things out. I soon after (but not right away) left him.
Breakup brought up so many additional things that made me feel even worse than I did. I found out that the whole town knew what was going on (including my close friends), and that she was pregnant with him at some point. I found out about many specific occasions and times when they were together and I was directly lied to. Overall, it was a painful, embarrassing, excruciating, and devastating experience; one that made me wish I did not exist, on more than one occasion. Experience that took years for me to understand, accept, and - eventually - forgive. Recently, it dawned on me that although I have forgiven X for what had happened, I haven’t forgiven myself. When that relationship ended, I was acting out in all the ways I knew how to, and have closed up my heart for several years, until I met my first husband. With him I made not quite the same, but a very similar mistake. He was a very different man than X - a man with integrity and certain emotional maturity. Nevertheless, I have lost myself again. I have merged myself with this person, became what I thought they wanted me to be, allowed myself to be small and my needs to be unimportant, and continued to abandon my self.
The truth is - I am a hopeless romantic. Although I am not sure if I want a monogamous relationship, and I am absolutely certain that I don’t want a vanilla one - I absolutely DO know that I want to be swept off my feet, adored and worshiped, cherished and celebrated for the woman that I am. I wish to keep on bringing about lust and desire in my partner, to receive unconditional love and care, as I am willing to do the same - to be a friend, a lover, and a consort, and to make their lives fuller and richer by showing up authentically. I wish to complement my - already full - life with people who will support, embrace and encourage who I am, as well as my choices. People who will show up - physically and emotionally - for me. However, I am afraid of expressing all this and it’s often easier (and safer) to be sarcastic and cynical when it comes to love. It’s a perfect self-defense mechanism, and as such, it prevents me from being curious and honest, from exploring freely, and keeping my heart open.
Recently I read an article about the “Alpha submissive” individuals - viewed from the lifestyle perspective (lifestyle, as in kink and BDSM). The article made so much sense to me as it described me perfectly and in words I didn’t think of using. We often hear the terms “Alpha male or Alpha female” in the vanilla world (meaning, traditional and ordinary world), and they are used here to describe a personality, not necessarily a role. When we say “Alpha” we mean simply that some individuals have a natural ability to attract and lead - this does not necessarily mean that they are Dominant in their role. As a matter of fact, they often long to submit to the right person. I recognize that I am a kind of an Alpha in my personal life, and absolutely a submissive when it comes to lifestyle. When people meet me, often they assume that I naturally tend to be dominant - some find me intimidating, others controlling, many believe that I exude confidence and take no shit, and in lifestyle I tend to receive many request to dominate men, much more than to be dominated by them. In my previous relationships, I have heard many times that I know who I am and what I want, that I am opinionated and inflexible, that I have been so accomplished in life that I have high and unreasonable standards, and that I will never be happy because I won’t find anyone who will fulfill my expectations. I am not sure if I believe all this, and my focus in life certainly hasn’t been to find a perfect mate, so I don’t fully agree with it. However, it does resonate a bit with me, and I can recognize parts of myself in these statements.
The truth is, I want to be taken and owned - by the right Dominant who knows just exactly what I need, and how to give it to me; how to push my buttons, and also use the control, as well as know when it’s time to stop. I want my limits tested. I want to submit myself to a Dominant completely, be their property and be used for their own pleasure (as this brings so much pleasure to me). But I am not interested in being abused. I am not interested in self-abandonment, in harming, and in being a doormat. Therefore, the Dominant needs to deserve my absolute submission. And what I offer, in return, is an absolute loyalty and devotion. (I mean, I am a romantic at the end of the day.) I want attention. I want banter, I want to be challenged intellectually, and I also want to be disciplined if I cross the line. I want to be told what I want, I don’t want to be asked. I don’t want to be in control, I want them to take the control. I need assertiveness but not aggression. I want to be tamed but they need to make me want it at the same time, cause that is the only way this works. And, absolutely, I want a loving, respectful and nurturing D/s relationship.
In my personal life, I am in a dominant position - not in a way that I hold an executive position at work - but I am the only one responsible and in control of my own life. I have been single for a while, I am childless, independent, shifting through life basically alone and on my own. I often change careers, towns and continents, and I don’t depend on anyone when it comes to making important life decisions. As exciting as this may seem and often is, it is also tiring and it takes a lot from me. I find it difficult to switch off and stop thinking, planning, analyzing, worrying… I want a Dominant to slow me down, catch me and hold me captive! I want someone else to make decisions on my behalf; decisions that would be good for me.
“Submissives, especially in a feminine role, are often presumed to be passive, detached receivers of the desires of others. This isn’t always the case. The role of a submissive, and the potential for transcendence in consensual degradation, is powerful. Endurance is powerful. Subverting perfection is powerful.” ~ Vex, Four Chambers
The problem is that many men are raised and taught to be nice and respectful, and relinquish control - and, I agree, in today’s social and political climate this can be a good thing, we need more of that. However, this also means that these men cannot act the way I (or many other women I know) need them to act. On the flip side, there are men who think that being dominant means being violent and aggressive, taking control without asking for permission, and acting without any responsibility and accountability. And, this is wrong. The problem is, no one really teaches us consent. And, this is often the only thing that separates a consensual D/s dynamic from domestic violence, or even just an ordinary evening at a bar where people are drunk and acting irresponsibly. No one really encourages us to take a look at what we desire deep down, to express that to the other person, to develop healthy limits and boundaries, to communicate, to stay responsible and be curious about our own feelings and triggers, and to share them with our partners. Also, no one really tells us that it is OK to be a strong woman who also likes to be submissive (by choice) when it comes to relationships, and that it is OK to be a respectful, loving and caring man who also likes to take absolute control over his partner.
I know that I want to be manhandled, taken and overpowered. I do not subscribe, however, to aggression and violence. I also don’t want to be tolerated, anymore. I want to be celebrated and adored, for who I am. As a submissive, what I hope to bring in, is a complete and fierce loyalty to the Dominant who deserves it. An absolute protection of their property like it is my own, and standing up for things that are right. I am also very capable of taking care of myself, and that can bring my partner peace of mind. I need them to trust me on this, as much as I trust them that they will be there for me, and that the decisions that they make on my behalf are for my own good.
It is not easy finding the right Dominant. Not at all. A lot of it has to do with the fact that despite struggling with confidence at times, I do happen to know my own worth, what I contribute, and what I am willing to do for the right person. I also know that I need to be patient and wait for the right person for my submission, and patience is not my virtue. I do often feel like I am not going to find one. But, it’s my journey after all. And if I need to kiss many frogs while on it, then be it. It’s all part of my personal story.
Often I get asked how come I am still single. Ha! Maybe this is what motivated me to write this post, I don’t know... I am well aware of the tough shell that I often project and protect myself with, but I also know that underneath that shell there is a fascinating, highly intelligent, capable, sensual, loving, passionate and loyal woman - one can only hope for. And I certainly want the same kind of a Dominant - as all these qualities can only be contributing to the overall sexual chemistry within the dynamic. And, with the right Dom, with the chemistry and the trust, the companionship and the sense of belonging together - the submission is unquestionable.
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Until we meet again,
Marina
This was one of the deepest and open things I have heard (read).
You have been through a lot. And yet, you still smile.
Sometimes, I see why you are looking for and what you want.
Sometimes, I can see what you think you are looking for and what you think you deserve.
Sometimes, I can see the smile that never stops asking why.
One day I hope you see that some of the things you think you want are not the things you deserve.
You will find it, that energy to match your spark, and when you do WOW things will click and that smile you hold in your heart will be there for the world to see.