when obsession visits
As soon as she opened her eyes that morning, it was there; waiting for her. That familiar irritability that spreads throughout the whole being in a matter of seconds, like a fucking virus. Immediate restlessness that infects the body, and expands everywhere so quickly, leaving its agitated energy lingering. The gnawing feeling in the mind; that busy mind that worries right away, and all the time, and for no apparent or reasonable cause. It just loves worrying. Well, more precisely, that’s what it knows how to do so well. It was that kind of a morning. And, certainly, not her first rodeo. This, unfortunately, has been her reality most days.
She pulled herself out of the bed, knowing all too well that she needed to move her body in order to do something with that restless energy; but also it felt far more painful staying in bed, dealing with the monkey mind, while knowing that she has to get up at some point and get on with her day. She would rarely allow herself to stay in bed longer than she thought she should. It becomes unbearable if she does that, as the mind usually starts listing all the possible things that can go wrong with that decision, and what she should be doing instead. “Don’t be lazy”, the voice would say. After she washed her face and cleaned up in the bathroom, she put a kettle on for coffee, and had her warm water with lemon - she knows that rituals and consistency are important for her, especially on days like this one (she also simply can’t skip this, it feels very uncomfortable to skip things). She, then, opened her laptop in order to access the workout program she was determinedly following daily. Instead, she very quickly got lost in emails, ads, and social media, without even noticing what had happened - another characteristic of this restless mind and irritability state. These things would just hijack her brain and attention, her whole being, really - and she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on any one thing in particular. When she finally snapped out of this, she realized it was almost time for her first online client session. How the fuck was she supposed to sit still and be present, patiently listening to another human, and be focused on what is going on in their life and what struggles they’re going through at the moment, she was thinking… “I have done it before, I’ll do it again.”
An hour later, and the session has ended. She pulled through, yes, but the feeling of shame and guilt was so overwhelming. Do people notice when she is like this - she wondered… Since she was already in front of the computer, she continued scrolling and mindlessly looking through the sites and her bookmarks, only to get herself out of the feelings of shame and self-consciousness. Couldn’t get herself to remain on one task for more than five minutes. She would get distracted after a few minutes of reading articles that she saved and wanted to enjoy for a long time, and then jump on something entirely else, like Instagram memes about some stupid shit. She tried reading one of the books on her new bookshelf - that didn’t work. Couldn’t keep her attention on the pages. She moved from the chair to the sofa and turned on the TV, all the while scolding herself for doing this before noon; on a workday! Scrolling through the channels, she found a show she recently started watching. Fifteen minutes into it and she grabbed her phone, not paying attention to the show anymore.
All of a sudden she realized she hasn’t had a breakfast. Usually she would eat around ten in the morning. And, she was definitely hungry, as it was well past that time. “The time was flying”, she thought… Or was she confusing the nervous energy inside of her belly with a hunger, she explored. “Never mind, it’s time to eat, anyways.” Although she planned having a smoothie (healthy choice) for breakfast every day that week - and even did all the prepping of the food in her fridge and freezer - she grabbed an almond croissant that she got the day before, and ate it instead. Didn’t have the patience to warm it up, just ate it quickly while standing in her kitchen. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes, for a brief little moment, sugar gives her a bit of a relief. Other times, and more often, it makes her even more crazy. This time, however, it didn’t help. The inner state of dread and irritability was still very much persistent. She knew what she should do in order to calm it down and receive some relief, but was trying to do anything else before she scrolls through her messages, or jumps on a lifestyle site and finds someone new to fuck. The sensation was eating her alive, and she knew that, if it doesn’t stop, she’ll have to do something about it, very soon.
Maybe she’ll masturbate first, see if that calms her down. She went to her bedroom and opened her nightstand drawer to choose an appropriate toy. She wasn’t in a mood for penetration, but maybe a vibrator will do. She laid down on the bed, and opened a porn site on her phone, scrolling through the daily offer of porn to choose one for today. It didn’t really matter which one she chooses… She managed to cum very quickly and as soon as she was done, she closed the site, put the toy away, got dressed and went back to the living room. “Now what?”, she thought, as she sat down on her couch again. There’s this beautifully, almost magical, calming effect that orgasms have on her, leaving her so blissful, so peaceful and calm, so connected… like a baby after it’s fed and changed, and can fall asleep again feeling fulfilled and satisfied. This time, however, the effect didn’t last that long, and very soon her mind started racing again, and the body recognized the same familiar itch.
Gently closing her eyes, she tried meditating for a brief moment. Breathing, slowly and deeply, as well as body awareness help when she starts spinning like this. Thoughts kept on coming, the feelings rushed in, sensations in the body changed rapidly and intensely, but she managed to remain on that couch and stay with all of it. Until she heard the phone beep. She got a text. She has to read it, right now. Part of her was pulling her to stay with her breath and the body, while another was pulling her to take her phone. This went on for a few moments, and she finally leaned towards the coffee table and grabbed her phone. It was a message from a guy she started sleeping with again, recently, after a break they took. He was wishing her a nice afternoon, hoping she enjoys the sun. “Should I answer it right away?”, she was thinking. She wondered if he just wanted to check in or wanted to see her, as well. This would make a huge difference in how and when she responds. She wasn’t sure when he would come over, and probably she should make sure that the house is clean and she is ready, and showered, and shaved before he comes. She sat down staring at her phone for some time, and finally responded “Thank you. I wish you a lovely day as well”. He liked the text.
It was still somewhat early in the afternoon, and it was a sunny and warm day, so she decided to go for a walk and try to shake off the nervousness a bit. She would always take one of a few familiar routes for her walks. Rarely would she try something new and experiment. This day was no different. She took the route that was taking her through the busy neighborhoods and dirty streets of the city, covered in broken glass and trash. She didn’t mind it almost at all. There was something in her that has always wished her to be a little less particular about her surroundings, more spontaneous so to speak, and free so that she could just flow around anything that life offers. Often she would sit and ponder on her inner workings and how difficult, limited and caged she feels when her obsessions take over. How strongly she gets identified with a sense of control and how rigidly she needs things to be a certain way in order to just function, and breathe. She observed the streets that day and wondered if she’ll ever be so free that she can really be fully open to life events, and without a need to have all the immediate answers and explanations, conditions, expectations and agenda. Especially when it comes to other people; especially when it comes to men.
She came back home after a long walk and figured she would take a shower and then make something to eat. After a long shower, she realized she isn’t really hungry and instead could make another coffee. Instantly, she remembered that coffee will probably make her additionally jittery but still decided to have one. There is a part of her - and it’s always been there - that deeply craves the intensity and this anxiety-like sensations in the body. She could never get enough of this feeling, despite it being pretty aggressive and often harmful for her whole body and mind. It was another one of her dichotomies. Being that she knew everything about restlessness, obsession, addiction, mindfulness, breathing… she had a lot of tools at her disposal, and she would most often choose to add fuel to the fire and continue with the choices that would make her even more restless and anxious. So, she drank that coffee and got dressed. It was getting late in the afternoon at this point - the sun was almost setting - so it will probably be a few more hours, at least, until he reaches out and comes to see her. If he does that, at all. Maybe all he really wanted was just to check in…
After putting the lotion on her body, carefully choosing what she will wear - just in case he decides to come over - she sat on her couch and turned the TV on. She chose a movie to watch - anything that’ll take her thoughts away from him and the persistent and determined nervous sensation in her belly. Somehow she sat through the movie, while simultaneously texting and scrolling. It’s never one activity that she focuses on. Maybe she should try that more often… The movie finished. There is still time for him to reach out. She grabbed a bag of chips from the pantry and a humus from the fridge, and got back on the couch. She was scrolling down the TV apps, while nervously crunching the chips in her mouth, and mindlessly swallowing it. She didn’t even notice that she finished the whole bag of chips while she was choosing a program to watch. She put an empty bag of chips on the coffee table, next to the empty plastic package of what used to be humus, and grabbed her phone. She, then, opened their thread, and started scrolling all the way into the past, all the way even into the previous year, and the year before… So many memories, photos, transitions, words exchanged, emotions communicated and miscommunicated, fun banters, sweet good mornings, and many dry and passive aggressive tones, as well… She got lost in this time travel, when she realized she is getting tired. It was only nine o’clock, but she decided to slowly get ready for bed.
She put on her pajama, brushed her teeth, went through the whole night routine for her face, and went to bed. While lying there, she remembered that she left a few dirty dishes in the kitchen sink. “That’s fine, it’s not that bad, I’ll just wash them in the morning.” - she thought. But this thought of having the dirty dishes in the kitchen sink would not let her be in peace. There is this constant pull in the body and the persistent thought in the foreground of her mind, that just don’t’t allow for it to be done tomorrow. Finally, she gave up and got up, washed the dishes, turned off all the lights in the apartment, and went back to bed. She was thinking if she should maybe keep her phone on, in case he still texts her later. Maybe she’ll do that. It took a while for her to fall asleep that night. She was turning around, covers on and off, eyes open and closed, mind going places, body feeling like it belongs to someone else… It was late when she finally fell asleep.
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