Who am I and what am I doing here?
... and not in any existential way, but rather literally
I opened my Facebook page today (after taking a break from it for a while) to find a message from a friend whom I haven’t seen in a long time. The message read: “312 Sundays in a row!!! so proud of you. so happy for you. as always, in love & service.” Today marks exactly six years since my last drink. I have had two and a half years of clean time before, and during that time I used to count days, weeks, months, and years. I used to attend multiple recovery meetings, be of service, do yoga, meditate, pray and detox with green juice. I have gone to meditation retreats, journaled daily, read affirmations, gone through 12 steps, and studied Buddhism. Two years, three months, and five days later, on a random Saturday, I got drunk, fucked a VW sales guy, and signed a three year lease on a new Jetta (even though my previous lease was not finished, even though I could’ve not afford a new one, and certainly even though I do not recall the guy’s name). You would have thought I have learnt my lesson by then, grew as an individual, progressed spiritually, morally, ethically … But, I didn’t.
This time around, it’s different. I don’t really count my time (although, my recovery friends are doing so). And, if I am being absolutely honest, I am just trying to live. And, lately, I have been quite tired of living.
For the past six years, I have done so many things to make my life better; as well as to make myself feel better about my life. I am not sure which one is it - was I changing circumstances of my life in order to improve it, or have I done self-improvement work in order to like my life more. I was definitely changing (the outer) circumstances in order to improve my life; I moved houses and countries, I have attended courses and programs, I have had all kinds of therapy, just to name a few. However, I was also engaging in practice of acceptance, allowance, patience, and surrender - so I can more gracefully and lovingly embrace my life, as it is.
Regardless of which one it is, I am tired of self-improvement and life improvement. My life has been a pure survival, on many occasions. And, the shame, and excruciating pain around it stopped me from showing my messy self to those around me.
I am here to do something different. For the last seven years I have been offering counseling and coaching to those who struggle with various addictions, anxiety, depression; who are searching for the life purpose, and similar existential questions of life. I have been offering individual time, as well as teaching workshops, mindfulness courses, retreats and facilitating recovery meetings. And all the while I have been demanding of myself to be perfect. To be healed. To be self-realized. Done with all the work on the Self, and never in pain. I have expected the unimaginable. And I felt a deep shame when I would not meet those impossible expectations. I would feel like an imposter each time I would should up for you and not being my best self. I would beat myself up each time I would not have answers to my anger, fear, my anxiety and depression, and I would take a break from holding space for you while “I am working on me.”
“Working on me” is not a project with a deadline. You are not an improvement project. And neither am I. We are not our living rooms that require painting job, or our kitchens that need remodeling. This constant need for self-improvement, and waiting to love ourselves once we are “better people” is nothing else but a sign of aggression towards our own Selves. It is a violent act; one that lacks compassion, acceptance and love. Recovery is a lifelong journey. It is the most intimate and personal path you can choose. It is hard. And the most courageous one; cause, you know, as someone out there said “self-knowledge is not always a good news.”
So, instead of waiting to be perfect so that I can finally show up for my clients, my friends and loved ones, I have decided to use this space and bring my every day struggles, as well as victories, to all of you. I have decided to show up in my life as I am. Often messy and doubtful. Always authentic and curious.
This is a loving and inclusive space for all of you like-minded people. If you resonate with my words, if you identify with my struggles, if you have questions, doubts, thoughts and shares - please bring them all here. If you are in recovery from anything - including the old way you lived your life that does not seem to work anymore - don’t wait any longer. Join this community. Join me as we explore what (our individual) recovery is.
It took me a long time to start writing and posting publicly. All kinds of excuses - from “no one is interested in what I think or feel” to “English is not my native language and this is embarrassing.” I guess, in the end, all it took was one supportive, loving message from a recovery buddy. Thank you J.
P.S. Me and my sweet companion Mala, Bali street rescue dog.