Wounded - Not Healer

“There is no light without shadow and no psychic wholeness without imperfection.” ~ Carl Jung, C.W. Vol. 12 “Psychology and Alchemy”

Photo by Ruben Beeris. Jewelry My Unique Style. Bali, Indonesia, 2021.

Here is a scenario for you - a woman who is single and part of a swingers lifestyle community sets up an erotic/sensual massage session with a guy from an LS (lifestyle) website. He seemed to be a decent guy, had a lot of positive reviews on his profile, and although he usually “plays” together with his wife, this time it would be only him and this session was supposed to be strictly a massage. A woman felt comfortable and trusting. He comes to her house, sets up his massage table and asks her what she is interested in. She states that she does not want vaginal intercourse, as clearly as she possibly could. She, however, was interested in receiving a sensual touch, maybe oral sex, maybe some digital penetration. She lays on the table and he starts massaging her. Naturally, she enjoys it - it’s a massage, and nonetheless a sensual massage. At some point, she realizes that he just penetrated her with his genitals. She freezes… dissociates… pretends that everything is OK, waits for the experience to end, and sends the guy off.

I have another one… A woman is searching for a therapist who works specifically in the sex and relationships area. As she lives in a very small community, the offer is extremely limited. She finds someone - he was actually referred to her by a friend - and so she decides to go and see him for a few sessions. She wasn’t certain, at first, that a man would be the best choice for her, but since he came as a referral and he also was well-known in the community and facilitated many men healing circles as well as relationship events, she feels more comfortable about it. For the first two sessions he ends up asking her very personal questions about her sex life - which I guess you would expect of a therapist whose expertise is in this area. However, he then tries to seduce her and kiss her as she was leaving his office after the second session.

Or how about this one… a woman goes to Bali to do some inner healing work (as most people go to Bali for). Bali is one of the best known places on the planet where you can do healing work, and that is true for the most part - local Balinese healers are amazing and I personally had only but great experiences myself. However, there are countless other charlatans who have no idea what they are doing, but they still somehow manage to offer (and sell!) anything from cacao ceremonies to so called tantra workshops and yoni massage sessions. Don’t get me wrong - I have nothing against cacao ceremonies and yoni massages, when done properly. Tantra events, however, bother me to my core since I have studied some of the tantra through yoga and Buddhism, and I know precisely what it is NOT. Unfortunately, when you are hurting, when you are vulnerable and desperate for healing, you make the greatest pray for these “healers”. So, this woman goes to a tantra relating event, only to end up being violated by the teacher. Naturally, he puts it differently for her, and convinces her that what they are doing is actually healing for her and exactly what she needs. Somehow, she never ended up feeling that.

These scenarios are true stories. They happened to me and a few of my friends. And they’re, unfortunately, happening every day. There is a growing number of healing modalities today, and most of them are not regulated - which means anyone can facilitate them. However, I don’t want to use this opportunity to talk about the regulations, as I am not against those modalities being used. Not at all. But they need to be done appropriately - with someone who is experienced and trustworthy, and in an ethical and non harming manner. Here, I would like to explore a concept that most of us - especially those of us in any kind of coaching, therapy, healing, and people work area - use very often but without really knowing and understanding the depth of its meaning and consequences - the concept of a wounded healer.

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“Healing can only occur when one has an ongoing relationship with one’s unconscious material, and especially with wounded parts. Only what we can put right in ourselves, we can hope to put right in someone else. Ironically, it is the measure of one’s hurt that can also bring capacity to become a wounded healer.” ~ James Hollis

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Most people in the healing industry seem to think that wounded healer means simply that an individual who is a healer has been hurt before, that they too went through something difficult and traumatic in their life maybe, that they too have struggled, and therefore they can deeply relate to other people’s pain and suffering. We believe that the more we struggled, the more we can be of assistance to others who are struggling. This is only partially true. The second part that is missing here - the most important part - is that the healer is aware of their own wound, they own it, they work on their own healing with their own therapists, and they are also aware when their own wound shows up when working with others. Sounds much more complex when put this way, doesn’t it? It puts much more responsibility on the healer, as it should be. It gets really messy, not to mention completely unethical, otherwise.

Through following some of the Jungian analysts I have learnt that we are “historical” beings (I like this phrase) - meaning, we take our personal history everywhere with us. Our psychological history is for the most part unconscious, it is our shadow. However, although it is unconscious, it shows up in every single relationship we have with the other. For us who are healers, there is a part in us that wants to heal the other, but often we are forgetting that there is also a part in us that is wounded. And this part needs attention at all times. Healing profession is a dangerous one, especially these days - not only because it intensifies our own psychological history all the time - but it also opens that history up to the uncontrolled and unconscious parts of someone else - our clients. This just shows how much we, as healers, need to be constantly attuned to ourselves and stay in therapy so that we never stop working through these processes. Unfortunately, many healers don’t do that. I know of therapists who don’t believe they need therapy, of substance abuse counselors who are struggling with alcoholism without asking for help, relationship coaches who are struggling with sex addiction and are unwilling to get help, just to name a few. Denying that we have a problem and unwillingness to do something about is a liability when one is in a healing industry.

Carl Jung says that “Half of any treatment consists of a healer examining his/her own psychological wound… What does it make me do?… What does it keep me from doing?” In one of his talks, James Hollis speaks about all healers having a “pathological secret”. He gives an example of ‘I failed to heal my family, and now I will spend my life making up for that.’ If you are a healer, do you know what your ‘pathological secret’ is? If you don’t - you certainly should, as it presents itself in your life every day whether you are aware of it or not. Are we, as healers, capable of recognizing our own healing process through our work with others? Are we aware when we are being triggered in sessions with our clients? While working with clients we can (and it would be encouraging to) become aware of our own unconscious wounds, as some things set us off and call for a deeper investigation. But we need to be willing to look at it. As soon as the unconscious becomes conscious, healing starts happening.

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Wherever there’s light, there’s always going to be shadow. The larger the light, the greater the shadow. ~ Carl Jung

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Selfie, sometime in Bali Indonesia, circa 2021.

I just recently found out that the German word for a therapist is “soul-carer” - carer for the soul. That sounds like a lot of responsibility to me. And it certainly is. Simply because someone is a healer it does not mean that they don’t have shadow, their own darkness. We all have it because we are simply not prepared to take in all the prospect of our psychological existence. As Hollis says - “simply because something is not observed by consciousness, it doesn’t mean it’s not present, and it doesn’t mean it’s not active. It may be spilling out in the world through us, without us even being aware of it.”

Shadows are those parts of our personality that when they are brought to our awareness - we find them troubling. Like, if you would to ask someone very close to you who you trust to tell you what they find problematic about you, you would hear more about your shadow. It is all those things, as Carl Jung says, “a person has no wish to be” - the sum of all those parts of ourselves that we like to hide from ourselves, and would gladly disown, neglect, give up. The shadow contains the inferiorities which everybody has but prefers not to know about - for example that they  seem weak, socially unacceptable, weird, or even evil. And it may sound that it is all evil, but it’s not per se. One of the biggest shadows, according to Jung, is how we often live “small adaptive lives” and not realizing our full potential, our soul wishes. Shadow is so important and essential for our life, as we get to know our desires, wishes, creations, and dreams through it.

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“The more it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, and never gets corrected, the more likely it is to burst forth suddenly in the moment of unawareness.” ~ James Hollis, Introduction to the Shadow Lecture

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The shadow is most visible when we are in affect, afflicted with anxiety or other strong emotions, or under the influence of alcohol or drugs - we may suddenly babble out an aggressive comment during a friendly conversation or do something inappropriate and harming to another person. Have you ever experienced this? I know I did, especially when I was drinking. I used to get angry and often, even, very aggressive. I would easily get in fights and create drama. We say that having a bit to drink is good for releasing our inhibitions… these days, it’s not the way I roll - these inhibitions are our shadows, and instead of keeping them inside and letting them get out only when under the influence of mind altering substances doesn’t seem very skillful, healthy, useful or sustainable. Also, often when we do not want to incorporate what we dislike in us, we project it unto others and are more prone to blame, judge and attack… overall, hurt the other human beings.

It is very much essential, in today’s society especially, that one becomes familiar and friendly with their shadow side, and even just more conscious of it. Many people, however, refuse to recognize their shadow, so their behaviors are often commanded and directed by it. When this happens, shadow receives a lot of power and autonomy, and can express in unaccountable moods, extreme irritability, and even cruelty. It certainly can, and will eventually, express itself in an unethical and harming behavior towards the client or anyone we offer healing to - just like my examples show in the beginning of the essay. This is why it is important that everyone, especially those soul carers are in therapy of a kind, where they would develop the awareness of their shadow and projections, and learn how to incorporate them in their personalities.

I won’t be getting more in detail about it, but it is worthy mentioning that although the shadow is usually perceived as negative, it can also be positive. It can display in a number of good qualities, such as great instincts and intuition, appropriate reactions in variety of situations, realistic insights about the world, creative impulses, and similar.

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“The shadow is not necessarily always an opponent. In fact, he is exactly like any human being with whom one has to get along, sometimes by giving in, sometimes by resisting, sometimes by giving love – whatever the situation requires. The shadow becomes hostile only when he is ignored or misunderstood.” ~ Man and His Symbols. Part III: The Process of Individuation, “The Realisation of the Shadow” – M.L. von Franz

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Hands, Bali, Indonesia, 2020.

Overall, as healers, we must recognize the contents of our own shadow and integrate them into our personality. This is commonly known as process of “the realization of the shadow”, also known as “shadow work”. It is a painful and lengthy work, and no wonder many chose to circumvent it. But, healers should not have that privilege. Through shadow work, one can observe their own shadow on the surface by watching their emotional reactions and being radically honest about their interactions with others. This could help reduce the shadow’s destructive potential - bringing the darkness into the light - and ensure that the healer is more aware and present when working with clients.

And, I am not talking about perfection here, not at all. I recognize and accept that there will never be perfection. But, there has to be a wholeness of personality, an integration. According to Jung, the lifelong process of person’s individuation creates a harmony between their conscious and unconscious realms - the wholeness of one’s personality and beeingness. And yes, I get it - it is scary and often dark to face and tackle our shadow - but we know that finding truth brings relief and it essential in authenticity. Carefully digging up the most depths of our being in order to to explore all kinds of possibilities and limitations, crookedness as well as often forgotten parts of ourselves and our abilities - is the hefty work.

Reality is, however, that most people are too inert to think deeply about even those honorable aspects of their behavior of which they are conscious; let alone to consider how the unconscious possibly affects them and others. Like the men from the beginning scenarios. Oh, how different could those scenarios look like and feel like if those “healers” would have been more aware and conscious of their own darkness… How pleasant and truly healing could those experiences have been for the women if things were different… And will they ever turn around and consider how they might have been responsible… I don’t know…

To me, it looks like we, as a society, encourage blind, unaware and unexamined healers more and more these days. Instagram, alone, is full of countless “blissed out” and “highly spiritual” healers out there, who are avoiding deep dark inner work and are completely oblivious and unaware of their own shadow… How many are just “high on life” and continuously content and happy and joyous without pausing and listening to their own inner pain, but instead choosing spiritual bypassing… How many “tribes” of new (age) healers are out there literally grooming yet another victim… Please, get to know your shit, and own it. It is your responsibility. We all make mistakes and there is nothing known as perfect, but when we choose not to see our imperfections, when we make mistakes and don’t hold ourselves accountable for them - we are choosing to not use the opportunity to do some work and make a change. And that just makes us wounded and blinded, but not a healer.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it… But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected, and is liable to burst forth suddenly in a moment of unawareness. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.” ~ Carl Jung, C.W. Vol. 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East

Photography Chloe @chloe.deboosere. Jewelry @anandasoulcreations. Clothes Kundalini Gown @kundalinigown. Hair &Makeup @paigewestmakeup. Bali, Indonesia, 2020.