Yin & Yang
“My whole life I wanted to complete myself with other people and now I just wanna belong to myself … The ultimate belonging is with our own soul.”
~ Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
When it comes to the topic of femininity and masculinity, I feel like it’s been somewhat an overused and abused one, these days. With it, there are more and more approaches to healing these two aspects and bringing them into balance. More than ever, we also hear about many different categories of gender identities, sexuality and sexual preferences, as well as the identification with specific pronouns - much more than ever before and certainly more here, in the US, than any other place in the world. As an individual who belongs to the Generation X, and who hasn’t been born in the West, most of these identities weren’t at all optional as a part of my upbringing. But I feel that, we had a fair share of identity crises and confusions even without considering these, when it comes to simply defining and experiencing oneself as a human being.
I was born and raised in Yugoslavia, in one of its six independent republics, now officially called the Republic of Serbia. Serbians are generally Eastern Orthodox Christians, and, although in some ways not extremely conservative, Serbia still makes a patriarchic society and can be very close-minded. The culture (along with the church) does not support and encourage any other relationships other than heterosexual ones, and the LGBT Pride did not stand a chance in Serbia. I am the only child and since I was a young girl I was called a “son” by almost every member of my family. It is considered a norm in our culture, most people are not even aware that there could be anything wrong with this practice. There are those who certainly would prefer to have a son instead of a daughter in Serbian culture, but often it is as simple as a mindless gesture, a learnt behavior, an ancient custom that people rarely question. And, mind you, my parents are not extremists in any way, they are not conservative people and not religious either, and in our household my parents almost always seemed to be equals. There are family stories and photographs where my dad is engaged in taking care of me just like my mom - bathing me, changing diapers, making food - they both worked when they had me, and they shared responsibilities equally. My father still secretly sheds a (happy) tear when someone mentions my name. And yet, I was being called a “son” most of my life (until about two years ago, when I finally told my father that it is an awful practice, and that I insist on not being called son ever again).
I deeply believe that these circumstances - unconsciously, of course - contributed to me becoming closely identified with the masculine aspect, and, unfortunately, forgetting and often, even, despising, the feminine one. Basically, messages that we have been receiving are that sons can do anything, they never make mistakes, they are strong and resilient, they are intelligent and successful, they are the best and always right, they can’t be moody and sensitive, people listen to them and they make great leaders, and so on, and so on … The saddest thing is that many people see this as a strength; they see it as a great way to raise a child - be it a boy or a girl. To me however, it feels like a great loss. It feels like I have been searching for a certain aspect of myself my whole life. I started noticing and identifying with my feminine side in my late thirties - more precisely, when I got sober - mostly because I changed my lifestyle and, with it, questioned many of my (false) values and beliefs.
Interestingly, the common thread in most addictions seems to be a pervasive sense of not fitting in, of not quite seeing things the way others do, of being a “misfit.” As Dr. Anita Johnston, an expert in disordered eating, says “women need to leave behind old perceptions of themselves that they had adopted from others and to reclaim their own inner authorities” in order to recover. Since many women today have shut out their feminine spirit, they live in a state of endless spiritual hunger. No wonder we overcompensate through variety of addictions.
Women who struggle with disordered eating (and I would add here, any addiction, as it is well known that we tend to circulate through different objects of addiction), Dr. Johnston says, more often than not “have an overly dominant inner masculine aspect that continually attempts to control the inner feminine. Their masculine side is unrelentingly critical, even hostile, toward their feminine side.” As a result, their lives are filled with activities, chores, and endless lists of things they must get done, and at the same time be great at.
“Fear of the power of one’s feelings (especially anger), fear of the power of one’s perception (especially when they see things differently than others), fear of one’s intelligence and talent (when others might become jealous), fear of the power of one’s sexuality (which may lead to advances from others they don’t know how to handle) … Fear of the power of being a woman.” ~ Dr. Anita Johnston, Eating in the Light of the Moon
In analyzing and trying to figure out when did I become aware of my dysfunctional relationship with the feminine, I have realized that I also needed to look into my sexual identity and my sexuality. I spent over two decades being attracted (physically and mentally) or in some kind of relationship with all kinds of people and never felt a need or pressure to define and/or identify myself. I was attracted to and inspired by both men and women, gay men and gay women, bisexual men and bisexual women, transexuals, those with high sexual desire and those who are asexual … and I never really questioned where that attraction came from. I never had an inner need to identify with anything … BUT, I had a repulsed reaction towards everything that has been perceived and defined as feminine. I believe that this goes all the way back to where I came from and how I was raised, along with the standards and value systems of our society.
As soon as I started dating, I dated unavailable man, and “bad boys”. Michaela Boehm, a well-known expert in intimacy, relationships and sexuality, speaks a lot about this topic. She says that intimacy and opening ourselves up deeply is much easier when the other is not available. It gets super difficult when the other is very open - in that case one would need to be entirely open and that is scary to most of us. Relational trauma from the past (which most of us experienced in life) reinforces us to not open. With “bad boys” (and I believe also with unavailable men) there is no danger that it will happen, so we would artificially open, but this is not real intimacy. This describes my past relationships in a nutshell.
Starting from a custom where everyone was called a “son” regardless of their actual gender; living in a place where even in the midst of war and very challenging times women somehow always managed to pay so much attention and prioritize outside looks and make up and clothes; dating in the culture where men were praised when sleeping with many women and women shamed when doing the same; moving to the western country where masculine attributes are so much more celebrated, embraced and somewhat requested in order for one to function and fully assimilate - I was lost for a very long time. I never was part of any of these mentalities … I was never girlie, never sexy, never ladylike, and I have lived with a deep (but false) belief that I lack grace and femininity. I lined up with a masculine aspects fully, and with it, I somehow identified more with men and disliked and, often, pitied women. I thought we needed to be cheering for one team only, and boy’s club seemed more appropriate for me.
Starting from school days, studies and celebrating intellect and cerebral activities, always needing to work and do something, taking a leadership whenever I could, often being attached to control and power, being pushy and addicted to constantly doing something, embracing and celebrating the “I can do everything on my own”, “I am an independent individual who does not need anyone”, or “I don’t need anyone to show me the world or take care of me” attitudes … These were my main traits. I turned out to be a person who have tremendous difficulty receiving gifts (or pleasure) and I almost always felt that I owe a person something - even with friends who would offer help, but especially with men, in which case I would feel as if I need to sleep with them or something. My sex life was full of situations in which I have acted as something that we stereotypically say a man would do - like waking up in the morning with someone and not knowing their name, after sex wanting them to go home instead of stay over, assuming that I will not be hurting someone’s feelings if I just leave them without an explanation, or being “all in” too quickly just to then ghost the person, disappear on them, or unexpectedly leave right after we discussed moving in together. Furthermore, since I was dating unavailable men, I would never think of their partners and how they must be feeling .. I would even feel sorry for them. But I would always somehow find an excuse and understanding for a man’s behavior. These behaviors are (wrongly) presented to us as something that “usually men do” and are “natural and acceptable”. Where the feminine supposed to be (overly) sensitive, quiet, emotional, receiving, passive, weak etc. And this is such a mistaken understanding; or at least very insufficient one. This is one of the reasons why we are all so messed up, why women don’t know how to be women, and men don’t know how to be men.
Being popular and liked, seems to be more important than anything else - especially for women - and we learn to focus on our desirability rather than on our own desires. How we appear to others, especially to men, somehow becomes more important than how we feel, and what we want or don’t want.
Oh, just how many times did I have sex not out of a desire for sex or affection, but because it seemed too exhausting to refuse it, because I thought I owe a man to have sex with him because they did something nice for me, for all kinds of rebellious reasons, to keep the job, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, because of a peer pressure, out of curiosity or boredom … It seems that women are not raised (nor the society messaging is telling us this) to think about their “autonomous female sexuality”. Instead, we are taught very early to define ourselves through how sexually worthy we are for men. And all of us, both men and women, internalize this, make it a norm, and most of us rarely question it.
If we, women, look outside ourselves to define our own sexuality, we might be perceiving ourselves as sex objects and feeling disappointed for failing to meet other people’s standards. We need to be following our own intuition - that critical quality of the feminine. In our society there hasn’t been much urging for intuitive knowing, and those who are intimately connected to their intuition are often rejected by others. Instead, most of us buy into the cultural bullshit … “There is no reason for feeling this ... I must be imagining things ... I’m overreacting ... I’m too sensitive....”
“Female sexuality as seen through the eyes of the patriarchy, is equated with lust and women are portrayed as sexual objects, trophies, or prey. Rather than delivering messages that inspire awe, respect, and reverence for her sexual nature and the mysterious transformation that is occurring in her body, these messages can be demeaning and alarming, and instead may provoke fear, shame, and loathing of her new womanly shape.” ~ Dr. Anita Johnston
So, when we are speaking of feminine and masculine aspects, we need to consider that deep within each of us, all humans have an inner masculine and inner feminine aspect. As Carl Jung points out - “each side contains a powerful amount of life energy seeking to be expressed, driving each individual toward higher states of evolution.” These aspects occur in both male and female genders and in a balanced individual, each side honors the other side, so that throughout the life, both are active. The masculine is essential for getting things done, but the experience of meaning, purpose and real peace comes through the feminine.
Most of us are familiar with the inner feminine qualities, just to name a few: connectedness, emotion centered, uses symbols and metaphors, lives within the body and inner life, sensual, spiral or sometimes chaotic, creative, in the breath feminine is the inhalation - is receptive and takes in, nature - the feminine is grounded to the earth, heartfelt, feeling, emotion, instinctual, intuitive, cooperative, spontaneous, wisdom, nurture, comfort etc.
Similarly, some of the masculine aspects are: competitive and directed to win, rationale mind and intellect - energy more centered in the mind, cerebral, learns to disregard body and push body despite limits, looks to future and to the outside, linear thinking and acting, manifesting and courageous, in the breath masculine is the exhalation - action oriented and directed outward, rational, logical, competitive, factual, literal, security etc.
Francie White, a philosopher and a theorist in the fields of the psychology of eating and body image, adds to these descriptions of inner masculine and inner feminine by defining how both sides show up when wounded. Wounded masculine shows an “immature male side that seeks to win at any cost, also shows aggression and oppression as seen in war and cultures that repress women”. And wounded feminine can express through “passive aggressivity .. NOT taking responsibility, risks or action. Consumes too much, addictive by taking in even harmful substances or amounts.” I am sure that every woman who struggled with an addictive pattern can relate to this.
I have recently listened to Living Myth Podcast with Micheal Meade in which he spoke about an article in Washington Post (by Christine Emba) called “Men are lost”. The article speaks of the challenges of masculinity, how young men are trying on new identities, and it looks like they appear to not know how to be. Men seem to account for almost 3 out 4 “deaths of despair” that come either from suicide, alcohol abuse, or overdose. Past models of masculinity seem socially unacceptable at this point; however, new ones are not clear yet.
“… people need codes for how to be human. When those codes aren't easily found, they'll take whatever is offered. If left unaddressed, the current confusion of men and boys will have destructive social outcomes in the form of even greater resentment and radicalization.” ~ Micheal Meade
Michael Meade says that if we would approach the conversation about masculinity and femininity on a deeper and more specific level, we would realize that the core issue becomes “the awakening of the individual soul”. According to him, the greatest despair is not knowing who we are - not in terms of how masculine or feminine we might be or appear to be, but rather not knowing who we are at the core of ourself: fearing that there is nothing of substance inside us, that we have no real meaning and no purpose in this world, having no sense of how to continue living. And what Jungian psychology says is that what lacks in that moment is the connection with one’s soul - that part of us which is not overwhelmed by the challenges and disappointments of life. Soul is the “connective tissue of life that keeps mind and body together and secretly connects the masculine and the feminine in each of us”. We are most lost when we have lost touch with our own souls, with our innate way of being.
“Survival depends on being tough and practical at some times, while also having the ability to be tender and imaginative at other times. In the tough state of mind people become deeply determined as well as narrowly focussed, and, by contrast, the tender-minded attitude tends to be more imaginative and more intuitive - more tuned into feeling than to thought.
Those who are set in the tough-minded approach can become overly determined, hard-headed and hard-hearted, and in excess they can become fundamentalist and extremists of all kinds.
The tender-hearted tend to be kind, affectionate, and loving. On the downside, those who epitomize the tender-minded attitude can become too soft-hearted and too lenient, as well as too soft-minded and overly forgiving.
The two sides can manifest as the hard-thinkers being opposed to the deep-feelers, and yet the question is not so much which one is better as much as which qualities are most needed in a given moment and the given time. Each of us represents a mixture of tough and tender attitudes and attributes, and both ways turn out to be necessary for human survival and for sustaining human cultures.” ~ Michael Meade
In the end, I feel that whatever our preferences are, whatever our identifications are - these are often just our limitations. It is, really, more about observing from the outside rather than identifying with it. You don’t have to be anything specific and at the same time you can be anything you want to be, without checking any boxes. Hopefully, no matter what you choose, you will be whole.
However, as we, women, find the center of ourselves in this journey to wholeness, we certainly come across some of our deepest pains - of abandonment and separation, of unworthiness and incompetence, of unfulfilled dreams and missed chances, abuse, loss of loved ones or failed relationships - “the pain that comes with being female in a world that does not honor the feminine.”
In our, modern society, we have come to value mostly the masculine principles. We are often uncomfortable with the feminine qualities of stillness, uncertainty and sentiment. We often become impatient with collaborative and relationship-centered approaches, and we see intuition, care, and sensitivity as unimportant. There still seem to be a lot of work ahead of us in order to bring these two aspects together in harmony and integration, and gain equal amount of appreciation and respect for both - and, with that, become well-balanced beings.
"A woman cannot make the culture more aware by saying ‘Change.’ But she can change her own attitude toward herself, thereby causing devaluing projections to glance off. She does this by taking back her body. By not forsaking the joy of her natural body, by not purchasing the popular illusion that happiness is only bestowed on those of a certain configuration or age, by not waiting or holding back to do anything, and by taking back her real life, and living it full bore, all stops out. This dynamic self-acceptance and self-esteem are what begins to change attitudes in the culture.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves
