lately...

Nov 27, 2025

I had this dream a few months ago; I believe it was end of July, beginning of August… I am in a very turbulent sea. A large body of water, with humongous, angry, rolling waves. Super dramatic. If I would turn my head towards the horizon, there is fog, a misty air, an unknown and hardly visible sight. When I would turn it towards the other side, there are big whales jumping out of the water, it looks like they’re playing. In one hand I am holding a notebook, firmly - my journal - with all the important notes about my future, trying to balance with my other arm, and my whole body, so that the notebook is above the water and doesn’t get wet. It does get wet, though. Of course it does. It gets completely soaked. Still, very calmly, collected and with incredible dedication, care and focus, I simply drift towards the shore, in the direction of a house, where I receive food, care, and shelter. This is where the dream ends.

“most days i am a museum of things i want to forget.” ~ E.E. Scott, Every Day I Am Trying New

I woke up from this dream, feeling so hyped, so focused, so certain and super motivated. What for? To do what? I had no idea. Nevertheless, it was a strong feeling, a pull of a kind. Water represents the unconscious part of us, in Jungian psychology. A large body of water represents that large portion of unconscious material that is stored in our psyche. And, the unconscious takes the most space. We are not aware of what is unknown to us. We can’t simply touch it, open it up, work on it, or turn it with a magic trick into a conscious material. It’s not that simple. That is why Jung says that the problem with the unconscious is that it is unconscious. As such, it directs and runs our life as if it were our fate - unless we bring it into the conscious. One of the ways to do so is through working with our dreams. I haven’t particularly worked with this one. As a matter of fact, I completely forgot about it.

However, after I had the dream, for some time I rode this wave of certainty, of knowing, with such attention and focus. I didn’t understand exactly why things were happening to me, and for me, but I have embraced them and have gone with the flow. Things got lighter, easier; flow was inevitable, there was this poise in me that directed my actions, and the trust in me and the universe. Life got full, it got busy and fast, it presented opportunities, and I took them without even considering the outcomes or potential consequences. Things were turning out to be well, to “feel” well. There was a sense of spaciousness, timelessness, meaning and purpose, and the usual suspects - fear and anxiety - got quiet for a while. There was, for a brief moment, a peace in my mind.

And, then… I fell flat on my face. Everything just changed, suddenly and without any explanation. Little by little, I have been getting worse. Little by little, I have been regressing. Little by little, it’s been more and more unbearable and difficult to just breathe, and exist. More chatter in my mind, more anxious energy, more inability to connect with my self and my body, more insomnia, less appetite, more melancholy, annoyance, sadness, grief… and tears, so many tears…

“what about this theory. the fear of not being enough. and the fear of being “too much.” are exactly the same fear. the fear of being you.” ~ @arabwife on IG

Lately I have been restless, irritable, and discontent.

Lately I have been reminding myself that I am a recovering addict who will find the way to actualize her addiction on some level even when drugs and booze are not available.

Lately I have been contemplating all the ways in which I have been bad, wrong, unworthy, unloveable and insecure.

Lately I have been feeling like everything I say, everything that comes out of my mouth is ridiculous and just plain stupid.

Lately I have been clingy, needy, and incredibly lonely; engrossed in the romantic obsession, drama, and fantasy with a man.

Lately I have been anxious, scattered, confused and overwhelmed.

Lately I have been feeling like everything I do is just for show and nothing is authentically me.

Lately I have been so deeply sad that everything, and I mean everything, makes me cry; weep rather.

Lately I have been greatly judgmental and self-critical, carefully looking for things to give myself shit for.

Lately it’s been practically impossible for me to feel joy, fulfillment, excitement, satisfaction, and peace of mind.

Lately I have been in a desperate need of having my pure existence constantly authenticated through others - mostly romantic partners.

Lately I have been reminded of how much I have been out of my inner balance and strength, and how much that shows through my dependency on others to receive love, attention, validation, and approval. (which I can never receive enough of)

Lately I have been feeling empty, completely numb, incapable of filling myself up and healing myself, and so waiting for someone on the outside to do the inside job.

Lately it’s been very difficult to feel at home in my skin, in my own body.

Lately I have been wishing I were someone else, living somewhere else, doing something else.

…

”Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I must push my foot stealthily lest I should fall off the edge of the world into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body.” ~ Virginia Woolf, The Waves

I haven’t written. I haven’t been able to write. I would literally choose to do anything else. Mostly, I would disconnect and dissociate from my own life, from my self, by watching a show or a movie. Seriously, I watched every single new show on Netflix, HBO, Hulu, Amazon Prime and Apple TV… name it. Go head, quiz me! Literally, every story - be it real or fictional - seemed more certain, entertaining, more interesting, and more worthy of my time, than my own. I just could not sit with myself and my own thoughts and feelings.

In the midst of all of this, after eight years of living out of the suitcase, I have decided to settle down in LA, and managed to find a place to live. Moving around all these years used to be fun, exciting and unexpected, and I think at this point, it ran its course. My body exhausted, drained. And my mind restless… so restless. I need some grounding, some stability. I need a foundation, a base. I also need a headquarters of a kind, for my belongings, and a peaceful, quiet place for when I need time for myself. I want my own bed, and my personal pillows. And plates. My favorite cups. And I want to arrange my books on the bookshelf and my clothes in the closet, instead of plastic bags that I would then store under someone else’s bed. I want to have an address that doesn’t change for at least a year. I want to be at one place long enough so that I find a favorite spot to sit and read a book in the morning, and a side of the bed that is mine… I want friends to be able to come and visit without me having to “report” it to an Airbnb owner. I would like to get to know some of my neighbors, at least on “hello” basis. And, maybe our dogs sometimes can play together.

Anyways, that is me, lately. When I am actively going through the turmoil, I am not able to express it well and write about it. I need it to calm down, and when I make sense of it, then writing about it gets easier. But, I wanted to say hello and check in, so I took some time (literally, weeks of time) to write at least this bit.

Be well, stay close to those who love and support you, and Happy Thanksgiving.

“I would like to stay like this, lazy, warm, in the silence where only our regular breathing can be heard, without ever having to make gestures, speak words which sell us out and betray us; this moment is real and alive, I stretch it into eternity.” ~ Albertine Sarrazin.

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Until we meet again,

Marina