outlaw energies & feminine fire
“When we try to domesticate our wild, assertive, and liberated spirit, she flies away to some shadowy part of our soul, where she waits for us to find her again. Though she can be a bit savage and uncivilized, she is also the very best of us―and what we need to become whole.” ~ Lisa Marchiano
It’s been chaotic in my existence this past few weeks. I was traveling, and I got sick. And I have missed a week of posting. And had to cancel several sessions with clients. This happened recently, in December, when I had covid and ended up not functioning for ten days. Similarly, this time, I had a bad case of UTI, followed by a terrible and debilitating flu, which then ended with a stye in my right eye, and a few days of an ultimate mind abduction by some invisible forces that had me spin in my own misery (this one was the worst of all other aches). Meanwhile, I was dog sitting and kid sitting for a friend in LA - luckily only for two days.
The other day - more precisely, on March 8th - was the international women’s day. I haven’t paid much attention to this “holiday” for years. In Serbia, there are still remains of celebration mostly through an “old school” custom of women receiving flowers at their workplace on this day. Sometimes, husbands and partners would get a symbolic gift. But, that’s about it. More so, this day got me thinking about women and our emotions, our strong intuition, the overall power of the feminine, our understanding of the earth’s ways, and the voice and expression that, for most of us, takes a while to find and freely offer to the world. The feminine spirit within us promotes nurturing, and supportive relationships. As someone posted on Instagram “I support women’s rights, and even more so women’s rage.”
Throughout the centuries, we have been taught to reject and control our feelings - because they are irrational - rather than experience and express them. We are not taught to fully trust our bodies to inform us when we are in need of physical nourishment or stimulation, but rather we follow various and elaborate diet plans and rigid generalized exercise regimes. The thing is, when women stop listening to their feelings and intuitions, their psyches drop into a darkness that can be terrifying and terribly lonely. We somehow strive to become an absolute rational human being without any regard for the emotional and spiritual aspects of our being.
“Fear of the power of one’s feelings (especially anger), fear of the power of one’s perception (especially when they see things differently than others), fear of one’s intelligence and talent (when others might become jealous), fear of the power of one’s sexuality (which may lead to advances from others they don’t know how to handle). Fear of the power of being a woman.” ~ Dr. Anita Johnston
Because we often feel so disconnected from ourselves, we cling desperately to our relationships with others (especially our romantic partners), and we can become progressively dependent on these. To find her own inner voice, a woman must recognize her need for self-nurturance, self-care, for a period set aside for quiet reflection or things that she likes to do, things that uplift her. To be in a relationship with another in a way that nourishes rather than drains her, a woman must be able to listen to others without losing her own voice. She must be able to express herself. When a woman starts listening to her dreams, to her inner voice, to her belly, she discovers that her truest source of knowledge comes from within.
I was listening to podcast episode that was discussing a new book by a Jungian analyst, Lisa Marchiano, called The Vital Spark: Reclaim Your Outlaw Energies and Find Your Feminine Fire. Question was posed - Is there a vital spark in human beings? Is there that central fire, the source (essentially, the self) - that, when we have a close (or, for the matter, any) relationship with it - it adds color to our life, a spark, it gives us a sense of presence, a sense of purpose? Sadly, according to a few psychoanalysts, many people report that they don’t have this.
Sometimes, in life, this fire shows up in a struggle and difficulty. Often, that is. Life’s an adventure, for sure, but not much different than any story or fairy tale, life also includes an impossible tasks - maybe instead of climbing a glass mountain or swimming through a fiery lake, there is an illness, a loss, a heartbreak. However, all of us have a certain resilience to eventually get to a place that is meaningful and important to us. We have that something that charges us and supports us to reach a goal.
According to the Kabbalists, “your desires are God’s promises to you”. As if, something larger than us knows our secret purpose (even when we ourselves don’t seem to know it) and desire pulls us towards it. However, women are especially vulnerable to becoming cut off from knowing what we want. Often we don’t even know what we want. What are some of your desires? Are they known to you? If yes, what do you about them? Do you let them be and follow them through?
Looking at the people I know closely, as well as clients I have worked with - sometimes people don’t feel driven and moved by desires. Sometimes they feel like there is something they need to do, but they are not sure what (yet). Often, if we go forcefully looking for it, this search can turn into an ego task - for example demonstrating one's superior ability. Oh, maybe I should be doing this… or get really good at that… This action is manifesting in going outward, towards the world and away from our inner self, instead of going inward, towards the vital spark.
When you were little, did you know what you wanted to be when you grow up? I didn’t have a slightest idea. Nothing absolutely clear showed up as a desire when I was five years old. My fire was not lit in an obvious way. I liked so many things and I have also stopped liking them and instead, liked something else. These days, I sometimes think about what I really liked to do as a child, what I enjoyed regardless of how good or not I was in doing it. I liked drawing. I liked swimming. I liked daydreaming and journaling. I liked being with animals. I liked letting my imagination run free and talking out loud to myself and creating all kinds of scenarios and stories.
Sometimes, first half of life, according to Jung, is known as “paying coin to the culture”. What this means is that we need our fundamental needs met - hunger, sexuality, creativity, all towards the highest one on the pyramid - self-realization. For most people, life looks like this. And maybe it is not the most exciting thing, but it is how it has been done traditionally. Again, for me, personally, it wasn’t like that. My first half of life was carefree, explorative, for some even reckless, often not financially secured and certain, but very adventurous and seeking oriented. I roamed around in search for new experiences, knowledge, for freedom and excitement, and for something that calls me. Even though it was unconscious often, I was looking for that vital spark, something to call me. Additionally, I liked many things, which made this process more complex and difficult. As different as this may be from a more traditional path, it is probably, as difficult as it is for those who dedicated first half of life to getting education, their career, marriage, children, financial security, etc. Life is difficult. And, process of individuation - if one decides to gather enough strength and grow a pair, and step on this journey - can be excruciating.
One of our (female) tendencies is to put our own needs aside and tend to the needs of others. This is certainly a cultural thing, but many also believe that it is very inherent for women. We see also that many females in other species are wired to do more of caregiving. Personally, I know that one of the reasons why I decided not to have children is because I wasn't willing to compromise in this area. I wasn’t willing to dedicate a significant portion of my life to caring and being responsible for another being. Interestingly, profession that I have chosen is a caregiving one, so I still get an opportunity to live out that female quality of taking care of others, a mothering of a kind.
No matter what, each woman must navigate her own inner struggle for liberation, regardless of her background and her personal narrative. Process of individuation is difficult, for all genders, and regardless of the cultural background. Culture and society are often disempowering - especially for women - but since we probably can’t change them completely, we can’t be waiting for these to change in order to focus on our own process. We all need to fight our own battle. Where are you, personally, in this and what can you do for yourself?
“In my experience, the basis of almost all psychological problems is an unsatisfactory relation to one's urge to individuality. And the healing process often involves an acceptance of what is commonly called selfish and power-seeking. The majority of patients in psychotherapy need to learn how to be more effectively selfish and more effective in the use of their own personal power; they need to accept responsibility for the fact of being centers of power and effectiveness.” ~ Edward F. Edinger
Lisa Marchiano in her book speaks about seven qualities that are difficult for many women to get their hands around - disagreeableness, shrewdness, trickster, desire, sexuality, rage, authority, ruthlessness. Marchiano argues that these qualities allow us to advocate for ourself and change what we can in our life. I won’t be getting into discussing all of these qualities, but there are a few critical things that are essential for how we approach the world.
Where can I find agency in my life? Can I find that agency on a personal level? I may not be able to change someone’s opinion about something. I may not be able to get that job that I believe I well deserve. And, I know that all this is not quite right. And that is my authority, I can be centered here, inside of me and my own truth, and not out there in the world that I can’t change. There is a sense of agency in this, don’t you think?
When we don’t let ourselves know our own inner power and beauty (and, as women, we often don’t), if we are unconscious of our gifts, talents and skills (or we downplay them), we are more susceptible to other’s poisonous emotions, and we can’t protect ourselves from criticism and attacks. Often, other people can see our inner light, but if we cannot see it ourselves, if we go through life being overly modest, sweet and nice, underrating and misjudging ourselves and our abilities, we will almost willingly become a target of others. Here, cultivating shrewdness may come handy - getting over all that innocence and niceness. We need to learn to fully acknowledge that sparkly thing about ourselves - that thing which is special and unique, and drives admiration and praise from others.
Additionally, there is a benefit (specifically for women) from owning one’s aggression - in this sense, ruthlessness is “an ability to do something that will most probably make another person uncomfortable, but it is in interest of our own wholeness and integration”. It is a skill, something we can use when we need to, and at the same time make sure that we don’t manipulate with it and abuse others. We need to find our ruthlessness, and we need to learn how to hone it. We need to wake up and realize what matters - what is important to us - if we want to have a place in this world. Pretending something doesn’t matter to us (just because we don’t want to appear overly “dramatic”, “high maintenance” or “opinionated”) keeps us in an innocence energy. Just like when people comment on you being “nice”. We need to welcome ruthlessness, and use it in service to our inner growth. We need to remember that the other is always responsible for their own feelings. And we need to be responsible for our own individuation journey.
Happy International Women’s Day!
“Our inner flame of embodied wisdom, sharp-witted cunning, burning passion, and empowered confidence is never truly extinguished.” ~ Lisa Marchiano
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Stay safe. Marina
Sorry for the health stuff you went through!! UTI’s suck!! Glad you’re feeling better!!
Great post. You know me and Jung…love it!!! “Paying coin to culrure”. Yep!! For sure!! Careers, climbing ladders, achievments, status and the almighty $$$$!! I’m over it!! Society got it’s coin from me. I could just sit and gaze at nature ans be 100 times more contented than a ‘promotion’. I still ‘work’ to pay expenses but my consciousness is inside with the Self.
Welcome back friend!!!
I have a problem with my mother . She is 79 and she never calls and I’m afraid she’s very disappointed with me due to my Substance Use Disorder . I’ve never done anything to outright hurt her but she says I have worried her . But that’s on her , right ? Her worry is not my burden to carry or to feel guilt over . She doesn’t return my texts and keeps telling me it’s too late . I got very sick this past Sunday with the stomach flu and all I could think of was that my mother does not love me , my mother does not love me . It scared me so badly I had to spend the entire day in the hospital waiting to get anxiety meds . I was a mess !!! On top of this , my sister is a shit disturber and sends terrible messages to my mother that only upset her ! This morning my sister sent a message to my mother regarding me in a negative light but instead of sending it to my mother , it came to me . I sent it to my mother and my sister and added my two cents . Then my sister told me to leave my mother ALONE ! When she in fact wrote the terrible message addressed to my mother to begin with!! Any thoughts ? It seems the writing is on the wall . I guess I may need to grieve the loss of my mother starting now . It seems she wants nothing to do with me . My sister thinks she rules the roost . When she is the reason my mother and I are not close in the first place . She is so jealous of me and of our relationship . Should I be ruthless here ? How can I rise above all of this ?
Thank you and so happy to hear you are feeling better ! ❤️❤️❤️
-Jen