(peri)menopause, relationships, changes, losses... transitions
"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away." ~ Frida Kahlo
It’s been a while… More precisely, two months. Possibly my longest break since I started this newsletter a little over two years. I don’t know exactly what happened - certainly not one specific thing. More like life taking its turn in some unexpected and pretty challenging and uncomfortable ways, nervous system experiencing overload, and me needing some time to deal with it all before I sit and write about it.
I visited the motherland last month. Trip was super short - a quick two weeks - probably something I won’ repeat any time soon. It wasn’t a well-planned trip, and it happened rather impulsively - which one part of me somewhat regrets now and recognizes it as a potential mistake. On another hand, like anything else, it wasn't a mistake or a loss, but just another life lesson I had to go through… something that needed to happen and what I had to experience some growth from. In the words of the great Nelson Mandela - “I never lose. I either win or learn.”
I remember it feeling a bit uneasy and grim when I was leaving LA. I was dragging preparation for the trip. In addition to this, my flight got canceled a day prior to the scheduled time so I had this moment of questioning if I should go at all. Still, despite the doubt, I went (overall, I am glad I did). I found myself out of place as soon as I landed. This is, however, something I am very well used to, a familiar feeling. It usually takes some time to settle in and slowly get grounded and acclimated, but this time around my trip was so short that I didn’t have that luxury. Things got too serious very quickly and I have faced a kind of a stirring of volatile and turbulent events and emotions right away. My jet lag was taking its sweet time and was kicking my ass. So everything that was happening combined with a disturbed sleeping pattern made a potent and gnarly situation. It was difficult, to say the least.
I have to pause here for a brief moment. As I was typing this previous paragraph, I have realized that it may seem like it’s all dark and gloomy for me in Serbia. Truth to be told, I don’t remember if I ever wrote about how great of times I’ve had there. And, I did. I always do. At least a few memorable things always happen. It is sweet seeing my longtime friends. It is heartwarming spending time with my parents and cousins. There is a certain sweetness in that familiarity. However, those times don’t remain with me long; they don’t keep me going. What does remain is how challenging it feels. And that is just the way I experience it there. It’s not that all is shit, it’s not that all is triggering, and it’s certainly not that I am in any kind of danger, or even a significant discomfort, for that matter. It’s just that very quickly, once I am there, I get reminded why I left. It’s that very soon after I arrive there, I get reminded how out of place I feel there. It’s that I get sad and dreadful of how things don’t change and how time seemed to have stopped there. I feel hopeless and my heart stays hungry.
"Don't be afraid anymore. Not of anyone. Not of anything. Nothing. Ever again. Listen to me: not ever again." ~ Marguerite Duras
“Everything looks normal… however, there is no activity in your ovaries - they seem sleepy…” - my gynecologist in Serbia delivered the message. My gut clenched and I could literally hear my heart crack a little. It’s not that I was hoping to have children at this age. It’s that I wasn’t ready to lose my period just yet. I wasn’t ready for that kind of death just yet. Hell, I am not ready to make that kind of transition as a woman. My plan was to bleed for another five-ish years, to naturally keep my cycle, my shiny hair, smooth skin, high energy levels and libido, and have lots of sex. Instead, I was told that if I were not to interfere with this natural process and prolong my period somehow - I would probably be facing significant changes in about a year. And, for that, I wasn’t ready. In the end - and despite all my attempts and hopes to do this in a natural way and using natural remedies - I have accepted the only possible option at the time - hormone replacement therapy. It’s been almost two months since this event, and I have gotten used to this idea and to the therapy. I see myself as a woman who embraces aging gracefully and accepts inevitable transitions in life. I believe that menopause (and aging) is an open door, an opportunity for women to see something new, and not cease existing necessarily. Nevertheless, I still recognize that there’s some work to be done here.
After spending a few days in my hometown, I went to the capital where my best friend lives. I would always divide my time in Serbia so I can spend some time with her. This time, however, I was also supposed to spend time with a guy whom I met last summer and had a nice connection with, at the time. He was excited to hang out with me again, and he had arranged accommodation for me while in Belgrade. To be accurate, my friend and this man have offered to gift me a ticket to Serbia so I can visit and we can spend some time together. Without having any detailed conversation around the expectations - more with a guy than my friend - I have said yes, and the ticket was provided. I would have expected that I learned the lesson after my trip to Germany last summer when a friend offered to buy me ticket and bring me to visit her in Germany. After we had a big disagreement during that trip, she blamed me for it, made me the only one responsible, and demanded that I pay her back for the trip she initiated to begin with. Overall, with expectations not being clearly communicated, lots of things can go wrong. Let’s just say, I should have known better…
Things didn’t go as planned, to say the least. I just didn’t like the guy anymore. At least not in the way that I liked him last summer. Granted, I have spent very little time with him last year, and we didn’t maintain the regular contact afterwards. Additionally, the connection wasn’t there (at least not on my end), and things have changed in my life (drastically) since we last saw each other. Finally, despite knowing that I am sober, he got high in a few occasions and managed to act like a total ass. I simply didn’t want to get involved with him except on a friendly platonic level, and had to find a way to express this to him kindly and gently. Well, as you may have expected, that didn’t go well - and he got very upset, hurt, and angry. At first he kept his cool, and it seemed that he understood my point of view and was interested in staying friends and spending some fun times together with me and my friend. Only to switch everything around the next day, attack me and ask for his money back. Call me naive or ignorant, but this came to me as a slap in the face. Maybe because I’ve lived in a very different environment for a while, in which things are not presumed and inclusive unless discussed and spoken about - but I did not expect this. It took me some time to receive it and see his point of view, and I certainly did take responsibility for not discussing details with him from the very beginning. I should have done everything to make sure that we were both aware of the expectations, possibilities, and that we discuss more in depth the “terms” of this agreement. Nevertheless, shit went down and things were beyond uncomfortable.
"Some days, I still want to call the person I used to be - just to say sorry, and thank you." ~ Lucia Berlin
As if all of this wasn’t enough - and, unmistakably following the theme - I had a big argument with my best friend. It started as a disagreement about a thing that matters deeply to me these days and around which the two of us don’t share the same view, and it quickly turned into a whole big discussion about our entire friendship of over twenty five years. I mean, things went down; things I never really considered to be an issue, bubbled up to the surface. For a brief moment there, our friendship was questioned in a way that to me seemed potentially fatal, and it transitioned into an untraveled territory. Certainly, a territory new to us. We have talked, more less right away, and addressed some of the uncertainties, but I have also witnessed how we have transitioned some place else - things have shifted. Those were a painful few days. So strange and uncomfortable, and just filled with heaviness and dread.
It would be foolish to focus solely on the pain and discomfort, and fail to notice that all of these events opened up so much of new and unexplored potential. They clearly demand that I take some time and revisit my life, my relationships and my boundaries, limits and expectations. I heard Michael Meade once in his podcast, he was saying that the word “apocalypse” actually means collapse renewal. Basically, things need to collapse to renew. There is no other way. Destruction before creation. There are things to be considered about the world around me, and a new direction to be taken.
So, my trip ended, and I flew back to LA. Soon after I got back, the intense tumultuous relationship (you remember, the one I was writing about just few months ago?) ended. And it didn’t end in an amicable, peaceful and loving way. It didn’t end with an in person conversation. It didn’t end with a friendly hug, or a shared tear. Oh, no - not at all. It ended by an avalanche… It ended by a terribly painful discovery on my end, and his inability to assume emotional responsibility and take ownership for anything that happened. It ended in a dramatic, ugly and heart-wrenching manner. Needless to say, I could not stop crying for weeks, and could not sleep or really do almost anything, for some time.
“One must take care of oneself before anything else, and that, too, is a kind of art.” ~ Dora Maar (born Henriette Theodora Markovitch)
At first, these events impacted me very strongly and unexpectedly. It all just felt like a cold shower - a slap in the face - it all came completely out of the blue and as if it targeted me specifically. I mean, they literally happened one right after the other - it was too much too soon. I wasn’t able to take a breath, and certainly I failed to recall all that I know about change, transitions, and impermanence. I wasn’t able to embrace any of it and be grateful for all the changes. I lost it a few times. I was hurting for a bit.
So, here I am after all this. And, today, I am doing well. I really am. And, at the same time, I still continue to make sense out of all of this. It has been known to me that we, humans, require meaning to be attached to our life experiences. We most certainly need to know “why” (or, at least, I do). As knowing “why” helps us with the “how”. It might not be obvious right away, as it often isn’t. And, I may need to spend some more time with the aftermath of all this. Like Rumi beautifully says: “As you start to walk on the way, way appears.” Clarity comes with action; it comes from action.
These days, I am also noticing other things - such as my feelings, thoughts, perspectives, and relationships in my life - shifting. Things are different. And, I mean it in a very non-tragic and rather positive way when I say this - I feel absolutely alone. This certainly invites me to continue pondering… What am I called to address here? What is really going on here? Why was I called to take that trip? How do I need to reframe the sense of my own life and my relationships in this stage? What is this in service to inside of me?
I think it was Hollis who said something along the lines of “when the soul wants to grow, it descends… each soul needs an outer drama in order to awaken.” The question, according to him, is - “does this pathway enlarge me or diminish me?” And, I am aware that I need to choose the path of enlargement. However, this means that I would have to confront more shit. And that most probably this will be painful. But, if I am not living by enlarging my journey - I will most certainly get depressed due to living something that is quite small and in no way fulfilling. And I have been there before…
“Your life is your life. Don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. Be on the watch. There are ways out. There is light somewhere. It may not be much light but it beats the darkness. Be on the watch. The gods will offer you chances. Know them. Take them. You can’t beat death but you can beat death in life, sometimes. And the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be. Your life is your life. Know it while you have it. You are marvelous. The gods wait to delight in you. “ ~ Charles Bukowski
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Until we meet again,
Maki
Maki, thank you for sharing your heart & soul with us here. I deeply relate to pretty much all of the themes you have shared here. Loss of friends, messy endings, misunderstandings, and facing earlier menopause than I thought have all peppered the past few years for me with much confusion and heartache at times. I too am also still deciding how I make sense of them and how things are going to change looking forward. I know it's so tough, but I am so glad you have decided to do what's most supportive for your body and pursue HRT; I only wish I had explored this earlier before my periods completely disappeared, but I was determined to live in hope that the stop was due to bereavement and I so desperately wanted to manage it all naturally. It was not an easy decision but one month in, I am a different person and I feel a lot more hopeful than I did. Still, all of these huge transitions change the fabric of who we are and it's deeply uncomfortable having to be present and still with the empty rooms in-between each new chapter. I hear and see a strength in you though, despite the challenges. Sending much love. Thank you again for this piece, especially the Bukowski quote - I had forgotten about this one! x